To the friends of mine that were not successful on the July 2007 California bar exam. I read somewhere that the only people who don't pass the bar are the ones who stop taking it. All of you unequivocally deserve to pass the bar and I know you will. Keep going in your quest to slay the dragon and you will be successful!!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving......Vegas, here I come!!
A new blog written by a dear friend of mine:
Sins In Suburbia
If you are a working mother, a wife, or just a woman who likes to read about the crazy things that crumbsnatchers do, check it out.....she rocks!
But I am the best wife EVER! I booked our yearly vacation today for next year and guess where me and Perfect Husband are going? San Francisco Giants Spring Training in Scottsdale, AZ. Ding, Ding, Ding, I scored mucho bonus points for that one!!! I tabled all my plans for Fiji, Italy, Spain and Greece. To go to Arizona. Just for my husband. I figured for a winter vacation, Arizona is better than New York, which is where Cooperstown is. And while Perfect Husband, is in fact, perfect, I really don't see a need for more than one baseball-related vacay. I am thinking there is a sparkly trinket in my future.....;-)
In other news, Southern California is aglow with wildfires raging out of control. For my So Cal readers, I hope all is good with you and yours. I find it hard to believe however, that People.com could not come up with a better story than this: Wildfires Threaten Tori and Dean's B&B. Seriously, do we care that one of Tori and Dean's multiple dwellings may or may not go up in flames? Not so much. And apparently neither to they, since they were interviewed at Monday's taping of Dancing with The Stars. Rather ironic, don't you think, for the two home wreckers to have a home that ends up being wrecked????
"It's better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6."
~From "We Own The Night"
Kind of a more cerebral way of saying it's better to kill than be killed. I cannot WAIT to use this in every day life.....since I am not a mafioso drug dealer or a cop, I may have to wait awhile, but damn, it's gonna be good when I can throw that one down.....
So, several states have released their bar exam results already and several bloggers that I read have passed and are now on their way to a long, personally fulfilling and intellectually rewarding career as a lawyer. Here is one teensy piece of advice I am gonna throw out there for ya, one that seems to have escaped the individuals (read: lawyers) that I interact with on a daily basis at work. Here it is:
Just because law school has NOTHING to do with common sense, the practice of law is MEANINGLESS without it, and unless you employ a substantial modicum of common sense on a daily basis, the paralegals that work for you and with you, will believe in their heart of hearts that they can do a better job than you and that they should be runnin' the show.
I'm just sayin'.
So, in addition to the pearl of wisdom above, here are a couple of other things to take with ya and put in your shiny new briefcase as you head off to LawyerLand (a place which I have yet to travel to...)
1. The efficient and organized way to do something is better than the long and laborious way.
2. Precision and clarity are imperative when imparting direction to underlings. Ambiguous direction will allow your paralegal to do it her way.
3. Don't interrupt. Speak in complete sentences. Say what you mean and mean what you say. My crystal ball is in the shop and paralegals are notoriously bad at mind reading.
4. Do not expect responses to emails and/or meeting requests sent at 10:00 pm. Not gonna happen.
5. Don't schedule meetings at 7:00 am. Similarly, don't schedule them at 7:00 pm. If you insist on having meetings at these times, there better be some kick ass food/drinks/snacks. If the snacks are substandard, you can expect little or no participation.
So, I am sure you can see what issues lie before me at work. These are the impressive, weighty and complex issues that us legal scholars tackle on a daily basis while protecting the Constitution....
It is with great glee that I say, “I am back!” I have missed blogging, and I am sure my loyal legion of readers (made up largely of people I am related to) have missed me too. Ha!
So, I took a little vacay from blogging because of some family drama I had to deal with, some work drama I had to deal with, and it was my last hurrah as a bridesmaid; I wanted to do it right. But really, what has taken up all of my time since I blogged last is Rock Of Love on VH1 starring (a term used loosely) Bret Michaels. From Poison. Yes, 80’s hair band, Poison. Yes, he is still alive. Barely.
I am so glad that show is over, I can’t even tell you. Me and my peeps at work text each other during the show on Sundays and then discuss it over coffee on Monday mornings. Sad, but true. I have read all the MySpace pages, websites, blogs, etc., that each one of the ROL girls has. Shockingly, their resumes have gone from “exotic dancer” and “escort” to “television personality” and “actress.” I LOVE it because just like with Sunset Tan (did the Olly girls really get fired???), it puts a nice perspective on the practice of law and the bar exam. Really, what is the BFD? No one else is concerned that if they don’t pass the California bar exam they will forever be labeled a loser. Believe you me, peeps, Heather with the 80’s porn hair is not crying a river over what to do with her (questionable) college degree. Magdalena the 10-foot tall tranny is not considering whether or not to take the bar again, or remain a paralegal. Jes the Boobless Wonder is all about makeup and hair, and really, is that a bad way to go? I think not. ROL has made me take myself WAY less seriously. Plus, I am considering some pink streaks in my hair.
(Note: Both of the Offspring LOVE this show. I know, I know, I have been dodging Child Protective Services for weeks.)
And DO NOT even get me started on Britney!!!!
To read all the posts on my favorite blogs regarding the bar exam held in the last week of July. It made me nauseous. I read with one eye closed and tried to skip over the parts that actually discussed what was on the exam. What made me sad was reading posts from people whose blogs I read on a regular basis wherein they had convinced themselves they had failed the bar exam again. People that I consider intelligent, articulate, and funny were sure that they had failed; and now they have to wait till November for results. I wish that there was something I could say that would make them not feel that way or that would make the negative self-doubt dissipate. People tried to do that with me when I failed the second time and I wanted to gouge their eyes out. So, I am not even going to try.
I will say that getting a little perspective has helped me. Getting out into the world and considering other things. Making time for things that matter and making law school and the bar exam matter less. It is very easy to get tunnel vision while in law school and studying for the bar. The farther I get from law school and the bar exam the more I realize that not everyone thinks it is such a great idea to be a lawyer. Surely they jest! I can’t blog about work, and believe me, I would LOVE to, but I have learned at work that the life skills you need to be a successful attorney are not taught in law school. I always tell Perfect Husband about my daily hilarious interactions with various individuals that I work with and most often I am saying, “This has nothing to do with the law! It has to do with common sense!” Should I actually have to point out to people (me, with no license to practice law) the common sense people should employ to deal with certain legal issues? Should I really have to point out to someone which side is the actual side of caution on which to err??? I must say, it makes my job very enjoyable. It makes me feel like I have something to offer, some perspective that can make a difference in the way my company is run and the way we deal with legal issues that arise. I know where the forest and the trees are and I didn’t learn that in law school, that’s for damn sure.
So, fellow bloggers, be strong and be positive…I am pulling for you and I KNOW that every one of you did better than you think you did. Plus, let’s think about it…..who wants to be a lawyer anyways?? I had an experienced lawyer today, from a top 25 law school no less, yell “We will see you in court!” (after settlement discussions had clearly lapsed) and hang up on me. Please, peeps, what is that?? Law and Order? Who says that? Not any self-respecting lawyer I know, that’s for sure. Plus, I always love to use the line from Erin Brockovich when people ask me “Are you a lawyer?” I make a face like I just sucked on a lemon and say, “Oh hell no, I just work for them.” See, if I was a lawyer, I couldn’t say that…..
So, this week I will be out of town with Perfect Husband and the Offspring. I will be back bloggin' on Monday, August 30.
I want to take a minute and wish all of my bar applicant blogger friends THE BEST OF LUCK THIS WEEK!! The July bar exam starts Tuesday. Ugh, I just threw up a little in my mouth. This one is a biggie, with 3 new subjects added to the already insurmountable list of fun subjects tested.
There is no doubt in my mind that every one of you can, and will, pass this exam and go on to use your new superpowers for good and not evil. I can't wait to hear what was on the test and what your thoughts are.....GOOD LUCK, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, NAMASTE, AND MAZELTOV TO ALL OF YOU!!
Not really. I didn't win the race. In fact, it may be something of an overstatement to even call it a race. For what I did, perhaps a more accurate term is crawl. So, slow and steady finishes the crawl. That's hot. Not.
But seriously, the half marathon I was training for took place yesterday. And I finished!! And that was really my only goal; I wanted to finish and I wanted to finish in under 3 hours. I whizzed past the finish line in 2:47. Yep, that's 2 hours and 47 minutes. I quite possibly might have been able to walk it in the same amount of time. However, in my own defense, I was good up until about mile 10, when my feet, legs and hips went on strike. The last 3 miles or so is what really cost me some time.
While I was training, I was so concerned with my endurance level, cardio, hydration, etc., that I cut back on the weight and interval training I was doing for my lower body. Note to self: bad idea; don't do this next time. Consequently, at about mile 10, I felt good energy/cardio/hydration-wise, but like I said, my lower body was committing mutiny. I could hear my quads saying, "You need to sit your ass down and eat a muffin." And from my feet, "Oh HELL no, bitch!!" And let me tell you, my hips don't lie: "Stop the madness sister, no one is chasing you!"
I will say the course had WAY more hills than I had anticipated. This could be one reason for the attitude from my lower body. And the attitude just keeps on coming, since today I am limping around much like someone who has recently contracted polio or some other debilitating disease that renders your legs non-functional.
I have two words for some of the women joining me in this half marathon: Sports Bra. You better batten those girls down if you don't want them hitting your knees in the next couple of years. Seriously, this is no joke. It was painful to watch.
However, not as painful as watching some of the men bust out of the gate at breakneck speed, only to be passed by the glacier-like Blonde Blogger, as they ran out of gas 6 miles into it. I was shocked at how fast a lot of the men started the race. And these men looked like your average everyday Joe Sixpack; what were they thinking? Even I know better than that...I mean, you take one look at some of these people and you know they are runners and that they have done this a million times and that they might actually be trying to win this thing. But Joe Sixpack over there, sprinting through miles 1, 2, and 3 is a different story. WTF??
A couple shout-outs (OMG, that is SO eighties!):
Crazy Running Friend: Even though you have made it painfully obvious that you attribute your post-race soreness to me, because I made you run so slow, I appreciate the fact that you did this with me. Thank you.
Sister In Law: I don't know what you were smoking when you told me that, "It's a mind game...if you can run 10 miles, you can run 13.1. Just relax and enjoy the scenery." Thank you for the cute martini glass socks and I love you in spite of your apparent insanity; it was not so much a mind game as a foot/leg/hip game. That I lost.
Dad: Thank you for remembering and calling to wish me good luck.
Offspring #2: When I told you that I finished the race in 2 hours and 47 minutes, a really slow time, you looked at me and asked, "Why do you need to go any faster than that?" Precisely. Thank you for reminding me that the whole point was just to finish. This is the same child that asked me why I would want to take a test that no one can pass.
Perfect Husband: Thank you for thinking I look hot in running shorts and calling me an "athlete."
To all my Other Friends That Were Interested and Supportive: Thank you so much for all the emails and text messages and voicemails. It felt good to have a distraction from the misery of the bar exam and the fact that none of you laughed out loud when I told you I was going to do this tells me that I have chosen the right people to be my friends. It is greatly appreciated.
I signed up for another half marathon in October.....all you skinny bitches blowing past me with your fancy running gear are going to....Eat. My. Dust.
OMG. Today, the heavens opened up and the angels sang. Sex and The City Movie A Big Deal. Yes, the girls will be back for a movie. Amen! I have been waiting for years.
Happy 4th of July!! I actually made it to the gym on a holiday. Gotta say, I was a little bit impressed with myself until Perfect Husband and I got to the gym and evidently, the entire free world had the same idea. Annoying.
I have been working out and running consistently for a while now...the race is a week from this Sunday. Crazy Running Friend and I may do another one in October. I joined a women's soccer league that starts next Tuesday. I am on a roll and determined to stick with it ~ my Quest for Total Hotness lives on!
I am down a couple more pounds this week and am starting to feel like my old self, just a little bit, back before law school and the two bar exams broke my spirit and turned me into the Princess of Darkness and Anger.
But anyhoo, Perfect Husband and I got home from the gym and I proceeded to lay on the couch for the next 2 hours and watch a new show on E called Sunset Tan. Has anyone see this show?? It is about a group of ridiculously good looking and self absorbed individuals running a chain of tanning salons called Sunset Tan. Much to my husband's utter horror and disbelief, I was riveted and promptly proclaimed it my New Favorite Show, and here's why: there are a couple of hot little Britney clones named Holly and Molly that call themselves The Olly Girls..."You just take off the M and the H!" You can't make this shit up!!
Anyone who has failed the bar needs to watch this show immediately as you will instantly realize, as I did, that we are taking life way too seriously. As I was laughing my ass off watching this vapid boob-fest, (Jose Canseco's ex-wife #2 has one of the Tanning Goddesses come to her house to hose her down with the tanning spray...now that one's a mental giant, all right, but hey, what do I know? She is now engaged to a plastic surgeon) all I could think was, here I am crying over the bar exam and how I am going to be stuck being a paralegal for the rest of my life, blah, blah, blah, I will never be a lawyer, boo hoo, and all these hot people are fighting each other to airbrush Paris??? The cat fights and drama over who gets to open the Vegas Sunset Tan (at The Palms, of course...apparently George Maloof has some sort of agreement with all TV channels everywhere that he must appear on every reality show there is...) was of such epic proportions that I couldn't help thinking that I have veered tragically far from reality and an even keeled perspective on the world ~ why am I so obsessed with passing this test? No one else wants to be a lawyer!! They all want to own their own businesses and look good!!! It's all about gettin' ahead in L.A. What am I doing here? If I were to have a conversation with one of the Olly girls, I could imagine them asking me why the hell I went to law school. I could picture one of them saying, "Omigod, that is totally too much work!! And SO not fun! Want to get a Mystic?"
Maybe the world would be a better place if people were less litigious and had a better tan. I think I am going to throw my hat in the ring to be manager of the new Vegas Sunset Tan.
Blawgin’ recently posted about how she created her blog to relieve stress and vent, as well as to think out loud and memorialize her musings; and to elicit feedback on certain issues pertaining to life, the law or the bar exam. I could not agree more.
I have a great circle of friends. Friends from every job I have ever had as an adult, friends from law school, college, high school and even grade school. I am very lucky and put a substantial amount of effort into maintaining those relationships. However, I am finding that I no longer want to discuss the bar exam or law school, or whether or not I will ever be a lawyer with my friends. My law school friends are right there with me and they don’t want to talk about it either. My friends that I have made in the work place are all in the legal industry; they are sympathetic and know the overwhelming magnitude of anger, despair, and frustration I have with the process. They are embarrassed for me, and with me. Some have been through it themselves and others have watched people similarly situated go through it.
From other friends, sometimes I get the feeling that they are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just study harder?” “Why can’t she pass?” and “Maybe she’s not as smart as I think she is.” They don’t understand the process and the mind games the bar plays with you. And perhaps more significantly, I don’t think that they believe that one’s ability to pass the bar is in no way related one’s ability to practice law.
My family too, does the best they can to support me. Most of my family has a lot of other things going on, thank god, and I avoid bringing it up; in fact, I wish everyone could just forget that I even went to law school.
Which is why this blog, and the other blogs that I read, have become invaluable to me in terms of dealing the bar exam(s) as well as the aftermath of failing twice. I can obsess about it privately. I can read and read and read about it all I want and no one will know. I do not have to appear pathetic or angry or that I am unable to move on to anyone, especially my husband.
I find it comforting that others are dealing with the same issues I am. I take solace in knowing that some who are going through this are the same age as me, some older. I am relieved to find I am not the only one who gained weight during bar review, not the only one who didn’t wear makeup for days on end, and not the only one who had a nuclear meltdown because Starbucks was out of pumpkin scones. I am also not the only one who wanted to set fire to their law school diploma. And it appears everyone I know online knows some vapid troglodyte that passed the bar exam. Everyone has their own Jackass.
Knowing these things has given me great comfort and for those of you whose blogs I read and who read mine, know that I appreciate your thoughts and rants and diatribes and hope you will continue, until all of us can put this bar exam issue to bed.
Training for the run – check.
Eating right and exercising – check.
Taking vitamins and getting enough sleep – check.
Mentally reconciling failing the bar twice – not so much.
But as of today, I am 35 pounds lighter than I was in January. Yesterday I wore a dress to work that is 4 sizes smaller than the size I wore in January.
Bar exam? What bar exam?
I ran 10 miles on Saturday. Oh, yes. 10 miles in a row. Without stopping. Crazy Running Friend morphed into Psychotic Masochistic Running Friend when she unilaterally decided not only to run 10 miles, but to add significant hills to the run as well. Nice. She is SO not getting a Christmas gift.
Knowing I was going to be in some sort of paralytic state after the 10 mile run, I booked a facial at a local spa that I like to frequent. I thought it would be nice to lay down in one of those comfy little beds while lavender smelling steam wafts over me. Also thought it wise to elevate my feet, lest they actually fall off from the shock of running that far.
So, I am all tucked in the comfy little bed, in my little purple robe with the matching little purple turban when I comment to the aesthetician how lucky she is to have such a nice, stress-free job in a place that is quiet and tranquil and smells nice. This was her response:
“Yes, I love it. I was halfway through law school when I decided that I didn’t want a stressful, unhealthy job where I made people, including myself, miserable for a living so I dropped out in 2001 and have been doing this ever since.”
Ya don’t say.
Talk about a reality check. I was literally dumbfounded. Speechless. And speechless is a state I rarely achieve.
So, here is the list of Things I Learned From My Brilliant Aesthetician:
1. Practicing law is not everything. Plenty of people are happy in other professions.
2. I am not a loser destined for a tragic existence eating cat food and talking to inanimate objects if I end up not practicing law. See #1.
3. Lawyers don’t get to work in quiet, tranquil places that smell nice.
4. Not everyone actually wants to be a lawyer.
5. Not everyone thinks that becoming a lawyer and practicing law is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Who knew a facial could be a life changing event????
Federal Judge Rejects $49 Million BAR/BRI Settlement
Dear Barbri Class Reps,
You are seriously deluded if you think you deserve over $70,000 for being a class rep in this case, while I, as a class member, stand to receive approximately $125.
Did you peeps pass the bar? Are you representing yourselves? Because I? Totally failed. Twice. And trust me, I hate Barbri with the fire of a thousand suns and consider it a sartorial mandate to pontificate endlessly on the unmitigated clusterfuck that is the California Bar Exam. But seriously? I am going to check and see if you class reps passed the bar; if you did...OH, HELL NO. You do NOT get to pass AND get a settlement for over $70,000.
Seems like it's back to the old drawing board on the settlement. Keep me posted.
TTFN,
Your BFF, The Princess of Darkness and Anger
I have plenty of social events these days to coax myself out of the Princess of Darkness and Anger phase I have been firmly ensconced in since May 25. One of these events was a little birthday soiree for Offspring #2. Said soiree took place at the Gwen Stefani concert. Me, Offspring #2 and three other girls, aged 10, 11 and 12. Good times.
This is a Public Service Announcement from The Blonde Blogger:
Here are some tips for you so that you do not make the same rookie moves I did when taking a Gaggle of Giggling Girls to a concert or basically any event wherein you are the only adult.
1. Caffeine is very, very bad for young girls. Worse for the tragically uninformed parental figure who is subsequently stuck with them in the car for extended periods of time.
2. Ditto for sugar. See #1.
3. Being outnumbered is SUICIDAL. Total rookie move. Have no idea what I was thinking. Don't do it. Just don't. You are not smarter; nor are you quicker, more agile or more anything. You will crash and burn and your mother will cry when she sees what they've done to you.
4. Being outnumbered by psychotic, over-caffeinated pre-teens screaming, "THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" is also very expensive.....especially when they sell Gwen Stefani dolls at the concert.
No more sneaking wine coolers into concerts for me......
I found this excellent new blog today.....check it out, if you are into intelligent political discussion...as oppposed to what I discuss here...;-)
The Extreme Center
I got this email today....how sad.
Dear Amazon.com Customer,
We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated books by William A. Klein have also purchased Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition by Erwin Chemerinsky. For this reason, you might like to know that Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition will be released on July 1, 2007. You can pre-order your copy by following the link below.
Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition Erwin Chemerinsky
Price:
$54.00
Release Date: July 1, 2007
Lest any of you think that I am Annie Athlete, running around all the time like a champ, fear not. Paralysis has set in. I feel like I am 100 years old today.
If I could figure out a way to drink coffee in the shower I would......
OMG. I have lost my mind and here's why:
1. Today is Sunday.
2. I got up at 6:30 a.m.
3. I ran 8 miles. Yes, 8. 8, which is 2 less than 10, which is really just hella far...
4. I do not want to kill myself, nor am I limping around like a gimp. Yet.
So, my half-marathon is in a month. Literally, a month from Saturday. My desire to finish this half-marathon in order to actually finish something successfully (unlike the bar exam) goes hand in hand with my quest for Total Hotness. 2 birds, 1 stone.
So, the other day, Crazy Running Friend was not feeling well so she canceled the 6 mile run we had planned for that evening after work. Now I was faced with a dilemma. Go to the gym after work, which I hardly ever do and can always talk myself out of, because THE ENTIRE FREE WORLD is there after work, or I could…run alone. Scary.
There is a long trail adjacent to the business park where I work. I have never run by myself. I have never run on this trail. Crazy Running Friend has a truckload of kids and is self-employed ~ she regales me with fun little anecdotes about projectile bodily fluids to keep me entertained while I am actively avoiding heart failure (otherwise known as running.) I had my Ipod with me, but would I have the motivation to keep running when I could just walk and no one would know it???? Do I take my phone with me? What if I am stabbed and left to die on the trail and my husband doesn’t know where I am?
So, I headed out onto the trail to run my 6 miles. I did it. I only stopped when I had to, like for oncoming traffic. My really cute, yet utterly inefficient and inaccurate pedometer indicated that I ran 6.72 miles, but it actually turned out to be 5.88 miles. Close enough for me.
But I ran into some interesting peeps on the trail:
To The Group Junior High Slackers Getting Stoned: Don’t bother trying to hold that joint like it’s a cigarette. I could smell it a mile away… I wasn’t born yesterday, Sparky, cigarettes don’t look or smell like that.
To Hot Young Girl Making Out with Weird Boy: Please, girl, pull your shirt down and don’t let boys feel you up in public. Not cool. When you are 30, you will tell your therapist that you felt dirty after doing this. Besides, now that he has gone that far, and you cut him off at 2nd base, you’re about 3 days from being dumped.
To Douchebag On The Cell Phone: Your wife is totally going to find out what you are doing and your life is going to suck hard thereafter. That grass over there on the other side? It’s not greener, my friend, it just has bigger boobs.
To Totally Fit Triathlete Guy With No Shirt On: I could hear your Ipod. Britney totally rocks.
I don't think I have ever mentioned this, but my Perfect Husband has some Perfect Offspring. The other day, I was with Offspring #2 on a field trip. (Oh, and law school? Totally ruins field trips. I was petrified something was going to happen to one of the other children entrusted to me ~ I didn't even want to buy them snacks. Do they have food allergies? Do they have diabetes? Can they have sugar? Will they actually tell me these things? What if they choke? Can I give them the heimlich? Or is that a "bad touching?" What if this child flies off the roller coaster? Am I liable? The words "negligent entrustment" came to mind.....talk about a total buzz kill...)
But anyways, riding in the car with Offspring #2 (11 year old girl) she asks me if I got the results from the bar exam.
I said, "Yes."
She said, "Did you pass?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Oh, bummer."
I said, (trying to make it sound less tragic and shitty than it actually is) "It's ok, only about 37% of people that took it passed."
She looks at me like I am a total frickin' idiot, and says, "Why would you take a test that no one can pass?"
So, here is my new theory….the hotter I become, the less it will matter that I am multiple-failee of the California Bar Exam. Seriously. The legal industry is male dominated and coincidentally, so is the industry that I work in. So, I work in the male dominated in-house legal department of a large corporation in yet another male dominated industry. It is my contention that being hot, and particularly having a hot bod will take you far in life and make up for other (most often, glaring) deficiencies. Anyone who has ever worked in law firm knows at least one assistant, secretary, paralegal, associate, etc. that is there because he or she is totally hot, or at the very least, hotter than the other applicants.
This is how the conversation most often goes:
Guy A: Did you read the report (brief, motion, agenda, or whatever) that Hot Bod wrote?
Guy B: No, why?
Guy A: God, it's a total train wreck. Poor grammar and syntax; completely disorganized. Did we get a writing sample before we hired her?
Guy B: Who cares? At least she’s hot.
Guy A: Totally.
Guy B: I was thinking of nominating her for Associate of the Year.
Guy A: Good idea, I’ll second it.
How many of us have said this about a hot person we work with? I have said it. “Well, at least she’s hot.” Hot people are forgiven more often. Is it wrong? Yes. Annoying? Yep. Discriminatory? Totally. Does it happen? Yes. Is it my battle to take on? Nope. So I am gonna make it work to my advantage.
Having said that, my new goal in life is to get as hot as possible so the conversation about me can go something like this:
Guy A: Did you read the brief that Blonde Blogger wrote?
Guy B: No, why?
Guy A: Stellar work. On-point and concise, the client is going to love it ~ he will save millions in costs and fees. But did you hear she can’t pass the California Bar Exam?
Guy B: Who cares? At least she’s hot.
Guy A: Totally.
Guy B: I was thinking of nominating her for Paralegal of the Year.
Guy A: Good idea, I’ll second it. I think she needs a raise too.
This morning, I was clicking around reading my morning blogs (Thank god I can multi-task like a champ because it is a wonder I get any work done in the mornings; this is why I work till all hours. But really, I am one of those peeps that would go into work at noon and work till 9 p.m. But I digress…..) and I came across a post on Law With Grace entitled Loud Barbri Eater. I almost fell off my chair laughing so hard. I HATE assholes in Barbi, or PMBR or any other torture session/bar review class in which I have been trapped, that act like the lecture is taking place in their kitchen, or living room or some other area where they feel they can act like their mother never taught them any manners. Let me tell you a little story about The Sweaty Bitch in my Barbri class…….
Once upon a time, in a crazy land far away, called Berkeley, I took Barbri. I attended the live lectures during the day. The auditorium was always totally crowded and you had to get there early to get any seat, let alone a good seat. I was carpooling with a friend of mine and we always sat in the same general area. Because I drink about a gallon of water a day in addition to about a gallon of Diet Coke, an aisle seat is imperative.
This being Berkeley, home of the environmentalist as well as home of the non-existent parking space, a lot of people rode their bike to class. Now, I am all about tree-hugging and eco-friendly makeup and hairspray, blah, blah, blah, but it was July and hella much hot outside and of course, there is no air conditioning at Boalt. So, the bike riders would come in ALL SWEATY AND DRIPPING THEIR DISGUSTING BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER THE PLACE. (Note: for the record, I am slightly germophobic and even if I wasn’t, I have a fairly generous and clearly defined “personal space” that I like to maintain.) Evidently, people who anticipate sweating profusely on a daily basis do not wear a lot of clothing. This is 6 different kinds of wrong. Subsequently, those of us lucky enough to be seated near the Sweating Environmental Visionaries were subjected to the pungent aroma of the Morally Superior as well as their bodily fluids that were flung about willy-nilly on a daily basis.
One of these bike riders would always come into class 10 minutes late, and try to find a seat around me somewhere. Why she chose, EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THREE DAYS, to find a seat near me, is frankly, just beyond reason. But she did. And every single day, WITHOUT FAIL, SHE WOULD TURN AROUND, GIVE ME DIRTY LOOKS, HOLD HER NOSE, AND BEGIN GESTICULATING WILDLY, INDICATING TO ALL THOSE NEARBY THAT I SMELLED BAD. (Note: It would take a person of average intelligence about 5.2 second to surmise upon meeting me that 1. I am not from Berkeley. 2. I shower on a daily basis.) Since, I knew beyond a reasonable doubt (law school education at work, my friends!) that I did not, in fact, smell bad, I could only conclude that she did not like my perfume.
Picture if you will, barely clothed, smelly, dripping, Sweaty Bitch, WITH HER BIKE HELMUT STILL ON HER FRICKIN’ HEAD, saying I smelled bad?!?!?! Oh. No. She. Di’int.
Every time she turned around, I looked her in the eye and said, “WHAT???” and “IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY PERFUME, SIT YOUR ASS SOMEWHERE ELSE!”
It took 3 days for that dumb bitch to get a clue and sit somewhere else. And that was only after I surreptitiously sprayed her backpack with my little purse sized perfume sprayer thingy that I got as a sample. Smell that, Bitch!!
I am still deciding....I may just put off the decision and suck up the extra $250 I will have to pay......
If you read First Time Takers Can Be Assholes and Jackass: Part II, then you know how much it pains me to say this, although if I was honest I would say I am not surprised:
Jackass? Totally passed.
To register for the July 2007 bar exam. HHhmmmmm.......I think I am gonna sit this one out.....I think I might be able to gear myself up for February, but I just can't see getting my act together for this one...do I even want to?
NOTE: This is a serious pity party here, peeps. Read it and weep, but just know that today is the last day of said pity party, as this will be the last rant about failing the bar. Plus, my husband might kill me if I don't shut my pie hole.
I am pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F. Like seriously, Alanis Morissette pissed. Fiona Apple pissed, even. And angry is not attractive. Psycho bitch rageaholic is not hot. While I am embarrassed beyond belief, I am angrier than I am embarrassed because I just failed the bar exam for the second time.
I did everything I was supposed to do. The first time, I took Barbri, the live lectures. I went every day and I took notes, created outlines, flashcards and did all the practice essays. I did extra practice essays. I did all the performance exams and did all the reading. I memorized all the mnemonics. Barbri tells you to be a sheep and just give the examiners the answer they want. I was a sheep.
I took both the 6-day and 3-day PMBR courses. I went every day and took notes. I completed the in-class book as well as the red and blue books. I purchased past MBE examinations from the NCBEX website and completed those under testing conditions. I reviewed every wrong answer. I made notes about the areas of law in which I was scoring low and went back and reviewed those areas. I listened to those god-forsaken CD’s, which was a seemingly endless dose of Sominex.
Here is what I didn’t do: Have fun. Talk to or see my family. Go out with my husband. Talk on the phone. Screw around on the internet. Sleep in. Work. Make money. See my friends.
I took that shit seriously. I hounded my husband endlessly about contracts and property and constitutional law and it was all we talked about. I constantly had a stomach ache ~ I was under a huge amount of pressure due to the financial strain I was putting my husband under. You gotta throw down some bills for Barbri – it is not cheap. Neither is PMBR.
My family had had a rough couple of years and was desperately in need of some good news, or good fortune, or really, just something not upsetting and disappointing. My husband’s family is full of lawyers who all passed the first time – one of them in more than one state. They seem to be under the misconception that I am brilliant (no doubt evidenced by my excellent taste in husbands) and I was afraid of disappointing them or my husband.
I was, and still am, friends with a lot of people that I have worked with at various law firms and in house legal jobs. My friends are lawyers, paralegals, legal secretaries and administrators. They “knew” I would pass and were anxiously awaiting the results. At the gym, I took Spin classes with a group of attorney’s from the local D.A’s office that I chatted with on a daily basis about the law, their jobs, my classes and the bar exam. They too, “knew” I would pass, because I am so “smart.”
And when the exam came around, I woke up on time. I was prepared and looking good. No computer problems, stuck to the time constraints on the essays, performance exams and even the MBE’s. I outlined. I went to bed early and watched bad TV.
I did everything I was supposed to do.
And I failed. Those fuckers failed me. I was old, tired, fat, broke and a failure.
So, the second time, I took Cal Bar Tutorial. I had to throw down even more bills. I did all the same shit I did the first time. I was at the library every day freezing my ass off. My in laws were still convinced I was brilliant, and my family was still in need of some good news. I had the same friends in the legal profession and the same husband who made me Lemon Drops every night (ok, pipe down, not really every night.)
I tried to relax a little more, go out with my husband more, have a little more fun. I spoke to my family on the phone. Improved my MBE scores. Bought more books. Worked out more.
Again, I took that shit seriously and when the exam came around again, I did the same thing I did before. I was there early, I was prepared. I did not have computer issues and I remembered my stupid little brown admittance slip. I ate healthy and dressed warmly and the room wasn’t freezing.
I did everything that repeaters were supposed to do.
And I failed. I fucking failed again.
I am pissed that I have subjected myself and my husband to staggering student loan debt for nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am pissed that some questionable people passed the bar and I didn’t.
I am mortified that I have had to explain to my friends and family that I failed again. Especially to my friends in the legal field; everyone knows some asshat (my new favorite word) lawyer with no common sense that passed the first time and here I am, a two time loser. I am afraid that they wonder whether or not I am smart enough to do this. I am afraid they question some of the choices I have made that have potentially put me in this situation. Why didn’t she go to law school right after college? Why did she work during law school?
I am afraid that the best I will ever be is what I am right now.
And that is why I am fucking pissed off.
So, I am running a half-marathon in July with a crazy friend of mine who seems to think that I can haul my fat ass (although admittedly less fat than it used to be, but still in the upper percentile) across the finish line in under 3 hours. (Note: You can't even sign up unless you state you can finish in less than 3 hours; how do they verify this? For first-timers like me, it is a total crapshoot. I guess I can...what are they going to do if I can't? Kick me out? Puhleease, I will already be enroute to the hospital via ambulance sucking on an oxygen mask.)
Since failing the motherfucking bar exam, AGAIN, finishing this half-marathon, and not actually dying while doing so, has become vitally important for the following reasons:
1. It will prove that I can finish something....worthwhile. Don't even get me started on finishing law school.
2. It will prove that I don't fail at EVERYTHING I do.
3. It will prove that I can stay on the path to health and vitality I started down in an attempt to bring myself out of the dark and evil pit that was my first attempt at the bar exam.
I really don't know what I will do if I can't finish this half-marathon. I need it for my sanity. Which is an improvement over what I needed for my sanity the last time I failed: Rocky Road and Belvedere Vodka.
So, I ran my fat ass some 6 miles yesterday and I am headed out for some more today. I really just need to succeed at something. Anything.
Because I am pissed. Stark-raving-lunatic kind of pissed. And since no one wants to hear a pissed off lunatic bitch endlessly, I thought I would keep my comments to myself for now...
But, congrats to all those that passed....
That's my story and I am stickin' to it!
I did not pass the bar exam, my friends.
I am off to drown my sorrows......
You have got to be kidding me.
Seriously, I am going home now....everyone else has been gone for a while.....
In an effort to divert my attention from the California Bar website, my husband sent me this:
http://www.rgj.com/emailexpress/efrd.php?id=268732
An Arizona death row inmate's last words on this earth were, "Go Raiders."
Speaks volumes, doesn't it??
8 hours to go, says the website.
I actually thought that I would be productive at work today, but as it turns out...not so much.
I brought nail polish to work today.
For some reason, I will likely be checking it periodically today. I have a nagging fear that some tool over at the Bar is rubbing his hands together, laughing, considering whether to release the list early and see if anyone notices......
When it gets to less than an hour till results, it will tick off the minutes.....seriously.....THIS is why lawyers are asshats.
Ok, so I went on a quick girls trip to Las Vegas, or as I like to call it, The Mothership, this weekend with a friend of mine who was on a business trip.
We went to see The Pussycat Dolls at The Pussycat Lounge, which is in the Pure nightclub at Caesar's Palace. As soon as I walked in, it was as if the heaven's opened up and the angels sang. I was home.
Those Dolls are six kinds of HOT! They are not the same Dolls that recorded the CD or that go on tour, they are the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls and let me just tell you what the difference is: tits and ass. The Las Vegas Dolls are not as skinny as the other Dolls, they have hips and boobs and the show is truly a burlesque show. They sing some of the same Pussycat Doll songs, but they have some old school burlesque numbers as well, complete with pig tails, ruffled bloomers and garter belts. I could totally rock that look, being the total Glamazon I am.
But the highlight of my night, (besides paying $12 for a vodka/cranberry...good times!) was that they announced that Chelsea and Melissa R, my favorites from The Next Pussycat Doll, WILL BE JOINING THE LAS VEGAS SHOW!!! But here is the kicker.....they can't join UNTIL THEY TURN 21!!! They will both be turning 21 within the next couple months. I am WAY too old to be so excited about this.
I am going back to Vegas in November with my husband and don't think I'm not draggin' him there. Maybe I will wear some ruffled bloomers myself and see if I can be "discovered" and join Robin Antin's evil empire...
My faith in the universe has been restored.
I should never run for office and here's why: I am a bad liar. And I think the world could use a little more honesty.
Jerry Falwell passed way the other day and the media everywhere has been "celebrating the life" and "remembering" and "looking back" on his life and his alleged "contribution" to society. Consider the following excerpt from http:www.thenation.com/doc/20070528/blumenthal:
"As with his positions on abortion and homosexuality, the basso profondo preacher's own words on race stand as vivid documents of his legacy. Falwell launched on the warpath against civil rights four years after the Supreme Court's Brown v. Board of Education decision to desegregate public schools with a sermon titled "Segregation or Integration: Which?"
If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God's word and had desired to do the Lord's will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision would never have been made," Falwell boomed from above his congregation in Lynchburg. "The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line."
Falwell's jeremiad continued: "The true Negro does not want integration.... He realizes his potential is far better among his own race." Falwell went on to announce that integration "will destroy our race eventually. In one northern city," he warned, "a pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife.""
Everyone wants to be politically correct and discuss his "contributions" and "celebrate" his life? Are you kidding me with this?
Here is the press release I would issue from Barred for Life:
Jerry Falwell was a dick and he will not be missed. That's one more ignorant, hateful miscreant off the face of this earth. Hopefully, his death will be akin to cutting the head off the snake; his legion of hate peddlers will slowly dissipate and die.
Do not even get me started on Grey's Anatomy. Seriously!?!?! That was the worst season finale I have ever seen on any show I have ever watched. NOTHING went well for ANYONE!!! Unequivocally, all of their lives now suck. Although, arguably, a lot of their lives sucked before the suicidal debacle that was last night's episode.
It was SO unbelievable. After Burke waxes poetic during surgery (Note to self: if ever on a gurney headed into life threatening heart surgery while pregnant with twins, ask surgeon if there is anything he would like to get off of his chest before slicing me open, in an effort to ensure said surgeon is focused on my heart that is about to explode and not his vows to some sadistic closet lesbian with anger issues. Oh please, she is so in love with Meredith. She is her person. Whatever.) he then leaves her at the altar in front of his overbearing nightmare of a mother? Right. Burke has serious mommy issues anyways, so she is probably better off.
And then they reveal that the hot chick McWhiny, I mean, McDreamy hit on at the bar last week is a new intern, and lo and behold her last name is GREY. So, Dark and Twisty has a hot little sister that she doesn't know about? Daddy issues revisited.
George failed the intern exam? I thought he was supposed to be the smartest one, but of late, he is acting like a total idiot being led around by his manhood. He needs to suck it up, strap on a set and stop giving McBitchy, I mean Izzy the love eyes.
And right when Callie gets the Chief Resident position, she has a sudden estrogen attack, her eyes mist over and she wants to have a baby???? Please, I have been waiting for her to throw down and kick Izzy's ass. I would have handed that bitch her scrubs on a platter and sent her packing. Who do you think George will pick? Izzy the Underwear Model OR Callie The Wife I Thought I Wanted Who is Now Laden With My Womb Fruit. Hmmmm...that's a toughie....
Alex missed his chance with Ava, and Derek cut his hair. WTF???
And Meredith, my friend, I will never have sympathy for you again....you had McDreamy and turned him into McNightmare.
If you have no idea what I am talking about at this point, I have several questions for you. First, where the HELL have you been? Dancing With The Stars is only the best show ever. I have never taken a dance lesson in my life, yet this show makes me want to forget practicing law so I can become a professional ballroom dancer. Second, really, where the HELL have you been?? This show is on two nights a week, HOW could you miss it?? Did you not drool over Mario last season? BTW, Mario just moved in with his partner, the bitchy Ms. Karina Smirnoff. She is a total bee-yatch, but how cool is it to be named after booze? They are smokin' hot together, I would love to be a fly on that bedroom wall.....
Apolo will win this season, I just know it. He is talented and a true competitor and people love them because the two of them look like toys you want to play with. I think he is just a little hot tamale...I just wanna spread him on a cracker...
Too bad Ian Ziering went home last night. Maybe now he will have time to pull that stick out of his ass and relax. Seriously, dude, you are a has-been from 90210 in a ballroom dancing competition...you are not curing cancer. Granted, you are hot and your moves rock, but pop a Xanax or something, you're making me nervous just watching you.
Anyway, this is just one more futile attempt on my part to try and reduce the stress about next week. I am seriously STRESSED. S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D the fuck out. Bad TV helps me mellow out. Too bad they already picked the next Pussycat Doll.....that show seriously reduced my stress. (And I know I have one peep that reads this blog that claims she never watched Who Wants To Be The Next Pussycat Doll....yeah, RIGHT!! You know who you are...) BUT!! Here is the good news!! I am going to Las Vegas this weekend with a girlfriend for some fun, AND THEY ARE HAVING TRYOUTS FOR NEXT SEASON!!! Woohoo!!! Think they need an old Pussycat with a law degree?!?!?!?!
And just how many Pussycat Dolls do they need anyways!!??
Ugh. Only two weeks till results. I feel almost paralyzed; there are things I want to blog about everyday (Paris, leave Arnie alone, he has bigger fish to fry...) but I just can't seem to get it together. I finally gave up reading the blogs of bar takers from other states, it was totally stressing me out. To read their accounts of either passing and celebrating, or not passing and going through the excruciatingly painful process of reapplying makes me start itching, I get so anxious. It's all I can do to put my makeup on and get to work in the morning.
And that's another thing; work takes up a shitload of time. Between my stress level and work, my posts have been less frequent these days. Turns out that 40-50 hours a week is a LOT of time. This is why I would never pursue a job with a big firm (yeah, like they would want me...), I just do not want to work that much. Assuming that I actually WORK for 9 hours a day, which is probably a stretch seeing as how I have to read the news online, check my email and read my favorite blogs, if I were at a firm, I would probably be able to bill 6.5 hours a day. Which, after doing the math, would put me at about 1690 billable hours a year, if I don't take any holidays or time off or vacation. Which would promptly get me fired after the first year. There is no law firm I know of that has a billable requirement that low.
So, since I am basically lazy, and want to work a normal week and have time to go out and drink copious amounts of wine with my husband, I am going to try and stay right where I am if (WHEN!) I pass the bar. The whole in-house thing ROCKS! Obviously, if I don't pass, I am staying right here, happy as a Pussycat Doll, until I decide if I want to take the February 2008 bar exam.
More power to all you peeps out there that want to "hang your shingle," as they say, and open your own law office. I have never had any desire to do that and I would be terrible at picking out copy machines, designing letterhead and hiring people. I would probably just hire all my friends and chat and shop online all day. Clearly not a sound business decision. I think I will stick with my awesome in house job...
Results come out 3 weeks from today.
I just threw up a little in my mouth.
It literally makes my blood pressure rise when I read the blogs of bar takers from different states who already received their results. Some passed, some didn't and I am starting to itch just writing about it.
I am sure that I should be focusing on the more weighty issues of the day in case I actually end up becoming a lawyer next month, but really, the fluff is so much more interesting. I should be pontificating on the recent decision on the ban on partial birth abortions, or the tragedy at Virginia Tech, or the fact that McCain has joined every other politician in the world and decided to run for President. Yeah...not so much. I am all about intelligent banter and all, but seriously, I hate arguing about abortion with the fire of a thousand suns. Which made me super-popular in law school. Not.
But what is really on the forefront of my agenda today is the grave error I feel Robin Antin committed when she chose Asia to be The Next Pussycat Doll. WHAT was she thinking?? That girl is from Planet Ghetto Illiterate. I SO wanted Chelsea to win, but knew that she probably wasn't going to and Melissa R. is really just a mini Nicole, so I didn't think she was going to win either. However, Ron Fair said that she was the "complete package" and I totally agree. I thought from the beginning that Melissa S. was a shoe-in but God almighty, that girl was as dumb as a box of rocks and a total beeee-yatch! My pet name for her was Vapid.
Asia is g-h-e-t-t-o. She is 18 and has an infant daughter and maybe it was just creative editing, but she constantly had this vacant look on her face, and was always standing around pigeon-toed with her finger in her mouth. Crying about how she is chasing her dream so her daughter can say her mom was a Pussycat Doll. She ain't giving up, she is a survivor. Save it sister, it's tired. Everyone had a rough childhood and everyone is from the ghetto and had parents that did things they shouldn't have done, so get over yourself. And PLEASE, get rid of the frosty pink lipstick!!! Ya look like a hooker in your Wet n' Wild #97. (And don't even get me started on the whole "ain't" thing, that is a rant for another day...)
Of course, my husband, desperately trying to get back in my good graces, finds the fact that I watch CNN, actually know who Boris Yeltsin is, yet want to be The Next Pussycat Doll kinda hot. I myself find it to be a sexy dichotomy. Not many chicks can say they aced Legal Research and Writing and still know the names of all the Pussycat Dolls. I can intelligently discuss the Kelo decision and I can also tell you which season of The Real World was the best (Las Vegas, by far....complete and utter debauchery...) I can quote Benjamin Cardozo, yet I want Holly, Kendra and Bridget to be my BFF's.
My husband, out of the blue, says to me this morning, as we are getting ready for work, "I can't believe she picked Asia, I never saw that coming. "
My work here is done.
So, I have made no secret of the fact that the July 2006 bar exam made me hella much fat. Seriously, that is the only way to put it. "Junk in my trunk" and "Jiggle in my wiggle" are way to cute for what happened to me. At least I can say that I just got bigger everywhere...I spread the love, so to speak....I just became a Super-Sized version of myself. SO not hot.
Since I am sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for my scintillating weight loss update, here it is. I have lost 23 pounds and two sizes since the beginning of the year. This might sound great to you, and believe me, I am liking the sound of it too. But seriously, I am working my ass off (literally) and I would have expected better and quicker results. I eat vegetables, and a lot of them. Fiber is my friend, as is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. About once a week I treat myself to a small fat-free, sugar-free fro-yo with some almond slivers. I eat organic at home and whenever I can when I eat out. No more Cosmos or Lemon Drops. White wine is less caloric and when all you eat is veggies, you get buzzed just as quick, so it's all good. I am at the gym at least 5 times a week, and a friend of mine talked me into running a half marathon with her in July, so I have been running. Usually, I make it a policy to avoid running unless someone is actually chasing me. I have had no white bread, no potatoes, and no pasta since January 1. This is what my life has been like since the beginning of the year.
I have also made no secret of the fact that I have a perfect husband. Seriously, the do all the right things all the time, totally hot, sweet, generous, kind, never look at me like I am a psycho even when I am, kind of perfect. He is also a lawyer, so he totally understood the whole bar exam psychosis and in fact, never mentioned moving out or divorce once! Score! I love him to death. He is one of those men that loves women, has a great respect for women, and is a gentleman.
He is wicked smart, and one of the things that just kills me, is when we are in bed reading, and he is reading "Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson and His Times, 1961-1973," and I am reading "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," this man has the inner strength not to fall off the bed laughing and, if you ask him, will maintain that we are mental equals and that I "challenge" him. Make no mistake, ladies, big boobs will take you far in life.
However, even the mighty can fall.
My perfect husband has fallen from my good graces.
In the worst way imaginable.
He has lost 10 pounds without even trying.
If I didn't love him so much, I would hate his skinny ass.
After a routine follow up appointment following a physical a couple of months ago, my husband comes home and tells me his cholesterol is down significantly, blood pressure was great, blood sugar is great, and his allergies are in check. Fantastic, I tell him, as I have also advised him that it is imperative that he outlive me since I would perish without him. Well, wait, he says, there is one more thing. Oh God, I think. It's a tumor. Jesus Christ, I wonder how long he's got. In my mind, I am halfway through the first draft of the letter I will write my boss informing her that I will need an indefinite leave of absence to care for my ailing husband, when he drops the bomb on me.
"I have lost 10 pounds, isn't that great? I don't even know how that happened."
Hold the phone, Batman. WTF?
"Did you just say you lost 10 pounds?"
"I knew you were going to be upset about his, I am really sorry, I don't know how it happened."
I am torn between wanting to laugh at the look on his face and wanting to rip his face right off. The man is sorry that he has lost 10 pounds. He knows this will throw me over the edge I am constantly walking. Consider for a moment, a common weeknight conversation between us, where he says things to me like, "Oh, I was bad today and went to Wendy's for lunch." "I had two bags of Fritos at lunch today." Compare this to things I say to him, "I had a green salad with lemon for lunch." "I did 90 minutes of cardio today."
He has no idea how this happened and I religiously monitor every bite I take and every calorie I burn???? You have got to be kidding me with this shit. But really, what can I do? I know that men have more lean muscle mass and burn fat at a higher rate than women do. Blah, blah, blah.....at least he is healthy and will more than likely outlive me.
All I know is that my birthday is next month, and in the interest of fairness...I am gonna get a kick ass birthday gift!!
Dear Al Sharpton,
Now that Dan Imus has been fired, will you please do the world a favor and shut the fuck up? Yes, he is a racist and a misogynist, but he certainly doesn’t owe you an apology, nor does he have to speak to you. Oh, and speaking of apologies, all packed for your trip to North Carolina? I hear you are speaking out against “publicly degrading” other people:
“Sharpton praised Moonves' decision Friday and said it was time to change the culture of publicly degrading other people. “I think we've got to really use this to really stop this across the board," he told CBS's "The Early Show."
Well, Al, that is great to hear! I am sure the boys over there at Duke are waiting with baited breath for your humble apology. Bring your buddy, Jesse.
And speaking of assholes, I don’t know if you have read the U.S. Constitution lately, but I have; they really stress that in the whole bar review program. But anyway, as far as I can tell, no one in this country, regardless of their race or gender, is guaranteed an asshole-free existence. It is not against the law to be an asshole. Just ask Tom Cruise.
Since the beginning of mankind, there have been rude, socially repugnant people, of all races, genders and ethnicities, walking around being assholes. There is no reason to believe that is going to stop anytime soon. Seeing as how Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and you and your buddy Jesse keep reproducing, it’s more fun times to come!
And what have you been telling the ladies at Rutgers? Some of them have said they are “scarred for life,” it has “ruined the championship,” and some “will never get over this.” You better suck it up ladies; the world is full of people like Don Imus. Who cares what an old, ugly, ignorant has-been thinks? Ladies, ladies, you are getting an education, you are stellar collegiate athletes, don’t let this get to you. It’s not worth it.
Al, do you really think the CBS fired Imus because they are concerned about “young women of color”? Please, it’s all about the Benjamin’s.
"There has been much discussion of the effect language like this has on our young people, particularly young women of color trying to make their way in this society," CBS President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves said in announcing the decision. "That consideration has weighed most heavily on our minds as we made our decision."
Yeah, that and the fact that they are going to be bankrupt if all the advertisers pull out with their $$$. What he really meant to say was, “Shit, ever since Howard Stern left, our company has been in the toilet financially, Imus was all we had left, and now he has run his mouth off and caused all of our advertisers to flee like we have VD. We better give Imus the axe so Proctor and Gamble, Sprint, Staples, etc. get back on board with the cash. I don’t want to end up a Barista at Starbucks.”
CBS and Moonves don’t give a shit about the ladies at Rutgers, “young women of color,” their employees, or anyone else for that matter. Money makes the world go ‘round…
So Al, since Imus is pounding the pavement today, you can get the hell off your soapbox.
I read yesterday that Halle Berry is starring in a new comedy titled, “Nappily Ever After.”
Seriously?!?!?!?!!?
OMG and WTF?!?! How did I miss this? Did my beloved Tivo fail me?
Real World/Road Rules Challenge the Inferno 3 started last night!!
Thank god for reruns.....hard to believe I went to law school, huh?
You peeps are going to be so jealous when I tell you what was waiting on my porch last night when I got home. Oh yes, the very first published account of the life and times of Anna Nicole Smith. Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/Train-Wreck-Death-Nicole-Smith/dp/1597775401/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9478619-1353745?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176301654&sr=8-1.
What I find hilarious, and I should actually find this completely embarrasing, is that I bought this book because Amazon sent me a recommendation email. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard...the whole "based on past purchases, Amazon thinks you would like..." And then they show a whole bunch of pictures of the books you have purchased in the the past? I love it! Their records show that I am a literary schizophrenic:
Ok, on a lighter note, because I realize that last post was a total buzz-kill, did Don Imus really say "nappy-headed ho" on a nationally syndicated radio show? Check out the story here: http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=f75958fe-1b6e-4e71-b58c-99ff58f1d716
What a complete fuckwit. What, does he play poker with Mel Gibson and Michael Richards? And what's with meeting with the "leaders" after you make ignorant remarks that end up in the press? Don Imus, just like Michael Richards, met with Al Sharpton on a damage control mission, to discuss what he said and to apologize. Mel Gibson met with Jewish leaders to atone for his anti-Semitic remarks. Who did Isaiah Washington meet with? Jack from Will and Grace? Does that really make it all better? No, it is just another opportunity to show the world just how big an ass you really are.
I am hereby appointing myself "leader" of the blonde community. Anyone who makes rude or insensitive comments about blondes will need to meet with me to mend fences and assure that the blonde community is not offended. All offenders will have to ply me with lemon drop martini's and Coach bags to ensure that the blonde community does not go on strike and cease dancing on bars and showing too much cleavage. If Gloria Allred becomes Gloria Allblonde, then maybe she could be our advocate! She has already spoken out in support of Amber Frey and Anna Nicole Smith. All offenders will be required to watch Legally Blonde as their penance. Hmmmm, paralegal or Blonde Community Leader?!?!?! Tough choice.
Speaking of blondes, DNA results come out tomorrow on Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielyn...anyone wanna bet me? My money is on Birkhead...
I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering what I am going to do if I fail the bar again. And what I am going to do if I pass the bar. I have thought, maybe if I fail, I will become a rock star and then when Rolling Stone magazine interviews me, I can tell them that I have a law degree but abandoned a law career to pursue my one true love: music. I have thought, maybe if I pass, I am going to be discovered as the great legal mind that I really am and argue some heart-wrenching case that will end up being the next Palsgraf. But really, if I pass, I am going to sit my ass in my chair and do some more paralegal work till I can strong-arm my company into hiring me as a lawyer. And if I fail, I am going to cry and drink. A lot. But I can tell you for sure what I am NOT going to do if I fail to bar again. I am not taking the July 2007 California Bar Exam.
The brain waves over there at the State Bar are going to be adding 3 subjects to the bar exam this July. California Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Business Associations are the new subjects. Not only do you need to know these new subjects, you need to know with specificity the difference between California Evidence and Federal Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Federal Civil Procedure and for Business Associations, you need to add Agency and Partnerships to Corporations. What-the-fuck-ever. The bar announced these fun and exciting new additions in October of 2002. Yep, almost a full FIVE YEARS before they will debut on the exam.
That is a colossal five year mind fuck, right there. Legal scholars and the mental giants that teach any and all bar review classes have been ramping up to this climactic crescendo for FIVE YEARS.
I paid thousands of dollars more than once to hear bar review professors pontificate on what subjects they think will be tested on the next bar. All of them, and I mean all of them, even the ones I didn't take, predicted incorrectly. I can't tell you how many blogs and articles I have read on-line discussing this very subject. Will the new subjects be on the exam in July or will they wait? Maybe only SOME of the new subjects will be on the July bar? They just tested Corporations twice in a row...does that make it more or less likely for them to test it in July? I can tell you that ever single person I spoke to prior to the February exam was convinced that Civil Procedure was going to be on the exam. Jackass himself told me that "without a doubt" it was going to show up on the test, and that he would "totally bet me." We call him Jackass for a reason; it was not on the exam.
This whole subject of what is going to be on the next bar makes me shake and makes me want to drink till I pass out. In my experience, July bars are more tense, emotionally charged and stressful than February bars. Maybe the sheer numbers present in July account for that, but you can count me out. There is no fucking way I am going near that bar exam. The farther away I get from the February bar, the more I realize what a stressed out, psychotic bitch I was. It is a miracle I am still married.
And it's not too late for beauty school.
I like to think that I am slowly becoming my old self. Other than the little vomit-in-my-mouth episode from last week, the bar exam is slowly becoming a thing of the past. I am going to the gym. Going out with my husband. Reintroduced myself to my friends. Got the new job. Sleeping more, drinking less (not really, but drinking less due to suicidal/bar related thoughts). So, it would stand to reason that my patience would return as well.
Turns out, not so much. During bar review last July, I swear I thought I was going to actually break the horn in my car, I used it so much. I began to actually flip people off, which is something I never used to do as I was afraid of getting shot in the head by some road rager. Of course, driving around Berkeley with all the other psychotic Barbri students looking for parking is actually a short cut to the booby-hatch. Nothing will make you crazier.
It wasn't much better in February. There was the Grandma-with-the-new-cellphone incident at the library. And the Ipod incident, which frankly, was too disturbing to blog about. Suffice it to say I now have a new one. I was still honking at people and cussing like a sailor, which my mother abhors, but my husband finds "endearing." I think this is his word for "totally fucking annoying" but he wisely chooses not to say that because he likes having sex and wants to continue to do so. But I digress.
My patience has not returned and it doesn't look like it will be making an appearance any time soon. I know this, because when people ask me questions about the bar exam, I want to stick a fork in their eyeball.
So, the foregoing is my "press release" so to speak, that will hopefully answer any and all of the questions people have about the bar exam:
1. Yes, I am glad it is over.
2. Yes, it was very hard.
3. Yes, I know JFK, Jr. failed too.
4. No, results have not been released yet.
5. Yes, it takes a long time to get the results. Because the graders are lawyers, that's why.
6. Oh, I think I did great. I nailed it! (Seriously, what are you supposed to say to this question? "I think I fucking failed again, ruined my life, embarrassed my husband and needlessly threw thousands of dollars down the drain, all for a career that will ultimately give me ulcers and high blood pressure?" Who wants to hear that??)
7. No, I am not nervous about the results at all; my life and financial future are hanging in the balance, but no biggie.
8. No, the questions were different than the questions in July. Yes, I know that is unfair.
9. Yes, I had to retake THE WHOLE THING. They don't let you only retake the part you failed.
AND HERE IS THE BIGGIE...PAY ATTENTION, PEEPS...
10. THE RESULTS COME OUT MAY 25, 2007 AT 6:00 P.M.
Most of the people who ask me these questions are lawyers, who should know better, but are seemingly suffering from some form of post traumatic stress syndrome and have blocked out their own bar exam experiences. I can only hope this will happen to me...
Mother of God. The State Bar of California has released the questions on the bar exam that I just took in February. As I read it over, I could feel the blood rushing from my head and I think I threw up a little in my mouth. I knew I should have gone to beauty school.
If anyone out there wants to read the bar exam questions and consequently thank god above for steering you in a different professional direction, be my guest....
http://www.calbar.ca.gov/calbar/pdfs/admissions/GBX/G0702-Selected-Questions.pdf
And anyone who tries to tell me that the test was easy or that those essays were no problem, or that the performance exams were straightforward and "simple"....CAN SUCK IT!
I do not qualify for benefits until May 1....and I don't get my packet until then either!!! WTF!!! That sucks!!!
The Chief Medical Correspondent on CNN this week proclaimed that fat men are happier than their leaner counterparts. It was a fun little piece and the doctor was chuckling as he explained that now its ok for men down a couple more beers, crunch on some more chips and salsa because it can only make them happier!
Seriously? What a crock of shit. Think it works that way for women? Hell no. How can fat men be happier? Don't they worry about looking good for women? Or beating out the competition for said women? Why aren't they worried, as women are, that they will not be desirable to the opposite sex?
Are women so desperate to get a man that our standards are significantly lower than men's? We will take a man, any man, whether they are heavy or not, healthy or not? What that means is that men do not have to deal with the pressure women have to deal with in terms of appealing to the opposite sex. They don't have to care about how they look because someone will want them. Especially if they get a paycheck and have a high sperm count.
Because believe me, and you heard it here first, fat women are not happier. They are hungry. And hungry women are bitchy. But how great would it be if we lived in some alternate universe where the men significantly outnumbered women and men were so desperate to find a woman that they would do anything to set themselves apart from the other men.
Picture two men, sweating away on a treadmill, over-analyzing every bite they took the day before, crying about how the scale is just not budging and if only they could get rid of those last five pounds, Anna in accounting would be a sure thing. Then picture them at lunch, skipping the Guacamole Burger with fries, instead choosing the garden salad with organic grilled chicken breast with the non-fat peppercorn ranch dressing. No beer, but diet ice tea with lemon. Yum.
Bachelor #1: "Do these shorts make my butt look fat?"
Bachelor #2: "Of course not! You can totally tell that you've lost weight!"
Bachelor #1: "You really think so? That is so sweet of you to notice. Think Anna will notice? I got these new pants for our date that are supposed to be slimming through the thighs, I hope they work. We are going out Saturday and I am not eating one more calorie till then!"
Bachelor #2: "Oh, she will totally notice. I got these new appetite suppressants, I will give you some to try; they are supposed to help you lose five pounds in three days! Let's do 30 more minutes of cardio; I had 2 brownie bites last night!"
The above is a small fantasy I have entertained for awhile now, usually when I am sweating away on the treadmill, looking around at all the other women doing the same thing. The best part of this little fantasy is when Bachelor #1 and Anna from accounting are on their date...
Anna: "I will have the Guacamole Burger, with extra cheese, the curly fries and a Guinness. I am starving!"
Bachelor #1: "I will have a side salad and a glass of water with lemon."
Check out this truly horrifying account of one man's experience taking the February bar exam. From what I understand, he is a little bit older, like me and is an experienced paralegal. He was also a second time taker.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
http://february2007californiabarexaminat.blogspot.com/
You know you are old when the most exciting aspect of a new job is the benefits package. Of course, I am really just thrilled to be getting a regular paycheck, so when I go shopping, I can justify my purchases by saying, "Oh, it's okay..I got paid today!"
My first day at my new job is Monday. I can't wait for that fat packet of forms wherein I can pick my medical, dental, vision, 401K and flex plan benefits. Is there a company life insurance policy? Long term disability? Long term care? I feel fairly comfortable blaming my family for my obsession with insurance. Over half the people I am related to have careers in or about the insurance industry. I paid attention and now I am obsessed. I do have benefits now, through my husband, but they are expensive and besides, when you get new coverage you can just dive right in to all the things you have to wait for with your existing plan. Like Pap smears. First on my list!
With new benefits, there are certain things that I look for, for example, can I get new glasses? Do they cover LASIK surgery? (I really hate the marks that my glasses make on the bridge of my nose; it messes up my makeup, but I digress...) Is there chiropractic coverage? How much are the co-pays? Do they cover physical therapy, because if they do, and something hurts me, maybe they will cover massages? I am keeping hope alive on that one. Do they cover any plastic surgery procedures at all? Because, if it is covered, and it is cosmetic, I am getting it, regardless whether I need it or not. I just KNOW they are going to cover Botox one of these days. And last, but not least, I always, without fail, look to see if they cover gastric bypass surgery.
No, I am not that overweight, and no self-respecting, licensed doctor would perform the surgery on me. But still. I like to know that the option is available for me if I end up losing the battle with Rocky Road. It could happen and that is no joke. Plus, they are coming up with all these little variations on gastric bypass that are less invasive and for less overweight people. I will also look to see if they cover a weight-loss camp or resort, like on The Biggest Loser. I would love to be on that show, and in fact, I wanted to go to one of the auditions, but it was the week before the bar exam and I figured that was probably not a good use of my time in the final days before the bar exam.
And do not even get me started on prescription coverage. Did you know that you can go online with whatever health coverage you have and they will have a list of all medications that they cover? I LOVE IT!! Better living through chemistry. There might be something I need or want to go on, and I need to know if it is covered. Pills are good.
My husband should prepare himself, because if it works out that I end up covering him, I am going to drag him to all sorts of appointments too. New glasses, physical, cholesterol check, and whatever the male equivalent of a Pap smear is. At what age do you start with colonoscopies and mammograms?!?!?! Sign us up!
It is the same with dental coverage. I need to know if they cover Valium and/or laughing gas because if they don't, I will never go to the dentist again. I do not give a shit if all my teeth fall out my head. I will be a lawyer, so I can just buy new ones.
The fact that I am so focused on the benefits, yet failed to ask about the vacation plan or policy does not escape me. As long as I have doctors and pills, who needs vacation?!?!!?
