Pap Smear, Anyone??

You know you are old when the most exciting aspect of a new job is the benefits package. Of course, I am really just thrilled to be getting a regular paycheck, so when I go shopping, I can justify my purchases by saying, "Oh, it's okay..I got paid today!"

My first day at my new job is Monday. I can't wait for that fat packet of forms wherein I can pick my medical, dental, vision, 401K and flex plan benefits. Is there a company life insurance policy? Long term disability? Long term care? I feel fairly comfortable blaming my family for my obsession with insurance. Over half the people I am related to have careers in or about the insurance industry. I paid attention and now I am obsessed. I do have benefits now, through my husband, but they are expensive and besides, when you get new coverage you can just dive right in to all the things you have to wait for with your existing plan. Like Pap smears. First on my list!

With new benefits, there are certain things that I look for, for example, can I get new glasses? Do they cover LASIK surgery? (I really hate the marks that my glasses make on the bridge of my nose; it messes up my makeup, but I digress...) Is there chiropractic coverage? How much are the co-pays? Do they cover physical therapy, because if they do, and something hurts me, maybe they will cover massages? I am keeping hope alive on that one. Do they cover any plastic surgery procedures at all? Because, if it is covered, and it is cosmetic, I am getting it, regardless whether I need it or not. I just KNOW they are going to cover Botox one of these days. And last, but not least, I always, without fail, look to see if they cover gastric bypass surgery.

No, I am not that overweight, and no self-respecting, licensed doctor would perform the surgery on me. But still. I like to know that the option is available for me if I end up losing the battle with Rocky Road. It could happen and that is no joke. Plus, they are coming up with all these little variations on gastric bypass that are less invasive and for less overweight people. I will also look to see if they cover a weight-loss camp or resort, like on The Biggest Loser. I would love to be on that show, and in fact, I wanted to go to one of the auditions, but it was the week before the bar exam and I figured that was probably not a good use of my time in the final days before the bar exam.

And do not even get me started on prescription coverage. Did you know that you can go online with whatever health coverage you have and they will have a list of all medications that they cover? I LOVE IT!! Better living through chemistry. There might be something I need or want to go on, and I need to know if it is covered. Pills are good.

My husband should prepare himself, because if it works out that I end up covering him, I am going to drag him to all sorts of appointments too. New glasses, physical, cholesterol check, and whatever the male equivalent of a Pap smear is. At what age do you start with colonoscopies and mammograms?!?!?! Sign us up!

It is the same with dental coverage. I need to know if they cover Valium and/or laughing gas because if they don't, I will never go to the dentist again. I do not give a shit if all my teeth fall out my head. I will be a lawyer, so I can just buy new ones.

The fact that I am so focused on the benefits, yet failed to ask about the vacation plan or policy does not escape me. As long as I have doctors and pills, who needs vacation?!?!!?