Even The Mighty Can Fall...

So, I have made no secret of the fact that the July 2006 bar exam made me hella much fat. Seriously, that is the only way to put it. "Junk in my trunk" and "Jiggle in my wiggle" are way to cute for what happened to me. At least I can say that I just got bigger everywhere...I spread the love, so to speak....I just became a Super-Sized version of myself. SO not hot.

Since I am sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for my scintillating weight loss update, here it is. I have lost 23 pounds and two sizes since the beginning of the year. This might sound great to you, and believe me, I am liking the sound of it too. But seriously, I am working my ass off (literally) and I would have expected better and quicker results. I eat vegetables, and a lot of them. Fiber is my friend, as is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. About once a week I treat myself to a small fat-free, sugar-free fro-yo with some almond slivers. I eat organic at home and whenever I can when I eat out. No more Cosmos or Lemon Drops. White wine is less caloric and when all you eat is veggies, you get buzzed just as quick, so it's all good. I am at the gym at least 5 times a week, and a friend of mine talked me into running a half marathon with her in July, so I have been running. Usually, I make it a policy to avoid running unless someone is actually chasing me. I have had no white bread, no potatoes, and no pasta since January 1. This is what my life has been like since the beginning of the year.

I have also made no secret of the fact that I have a perfect husband. Seriously, the do all the right things all the time, totally hot, sweet, generous, kind, never look at me like I am a psycho even when I am, kind of perfect. He is also a lawyer, so he totally understood the whole bar exam psychosis and in fact, never mentioned moving out or divorce once! Score! I love him to death. He is one of those men that loves women, has a great respect for women, and is a gentleman.

He is wicked smart, and one of the things that just kills me, is when we are in bed reading, and he is reading "Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson and His Times, 1961-1973," and I am reading "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," this man has the inner strength not to fall off the bed laughing and, if you ask him, will maintain that we are mental equals and that I "challenge" him. Make no mistake, ladies, big boobs will take you far in life.

However, even the mighty can fall.

My perfect husband has fallen from my good graces.

In the worst way imaginable.

He has lost 10 pounds without even trying.

If I didn't love him so much, I would hate his skinny ass.

After a routine follow up appointment following a physical a couple of months ago, my husband comes home and tells me his cholesterol is down significantly, blood pressure was great, blood sugar is great, and his allergies are in check. Fantastic, I tell him, as I have also advised him that it is imperative that he outlive me since I would perish without him. Well, wait, he says, there is one more thing. Oh God, I think. It's a tumor. Jesus Christ, I wonder how long he's got. In my mind, I am halfway through the first draft of the letter I will write my boss informing her that I will need an indefinite leave of absence to care for my ailing husband, when he drops the bomb on me.

"I have lost 10 pounds, isn't that great? I don't even know how that happened."

Hold the phone, Batman. WTF?

"Did you just say you lost 10 pounds?"

"I knew you were going to be upset about his, I am really sorry, I don't know how it happened."

I am torn between wanting to laugh at the look on his face and wanting to rip his face right off. The man is sorry that he has lost 10 pounds. He knows this will throw me over the edge I am constantly walking. Consider for a moment, a common weeknight conversation between us, where he says things to me like, "Oh, I was bad today and went to Wendy's for lunch." "I had two bags of Fritos at lunch today." Compare this to things I say to him, "I had a green salad with lemon for lunch." "I did 90 minutes of cardio today."

He has no idea how this happened and I religiously monitor every bite I take and every calorie I burn???? You have got to be kidding me with this shit. But really, what can I do? I know that men have more lean muscle mass and burn fat at a higher rate than women do. Blah, blah, blah.....at least he is healthy and will more than likely outlive me.

All I know is that my birthday is next month, and in the interest of fairness...I am gonna get a kick ass birthday gift!!