Seriously!

The Chief Medical Correspondent on CNN this week proclaimed that fat men are happier than their leaner counterparts. It was a fun little piece and the doctor was chuckling as he explained that now its ok for men down a couple more beers, crunch on some more chips and salsa because it can only make them happier!

Seriously? What a crock of shit. Think it works that way for women? Hell no. How can fat men be happier? Don't they worry about looking good for women? Or beating out the competition for said women? Why aren't they worried, as women are, that they will not be desirable to the opposite sex?

Are women so desperate to get a man that our standards are significantly lower than men's? We will take a man, any man, whether they are heavy or not, healthy or not? What that means is that men do not have to deal with the pressure women have to deal with in terms of appealing to the opposite sex. They don't have to care about how they look because someone will want them. Especially if they get a paycheck and have a high sperm count.

Because believe me, and you heard it here first, fat women are not happier. They are hungry. And hungry women are bitchy. But how great would it be if we lived in some alternate universe where the men significantly outnumbered women and men were so desperate to find a woman that they would do anything to set themselves apart from the other men.

Picture two men, sweating away on a treadmill, over-analyzing every bite they took the day before, crying about how the scale is just not budging and if only they could get rid of those last five pounds, Anna in accounting would be a sure thing. Then picture them at lunch, skipping the Guacamole Burger with fries, instead choosing the garden salad with organic grilled chicken breast with the non-fat peppercorn ranch dressing. No beer, but diet ice tea with lemon. Yum.

Bachelor #1: "Do these shorts make my butt look fat?"

Bachelor #2: "Of course not! You can totally tell that you've lost weight!"

Bachelor #1: "You really think so? That is so sweet of you to notice. Think Anna will notice? I got these new pants for our date that are supposed to be slimming through the thighs, I hope they work. We are going out Saturday and I am not eating one more calorie till then!"

Bachelor #2: "Oh, she will totally notice. I got these new appetite suppressants, I will give you some to try; they are supposed to help you lose five pounds in three days! Let's do 30 more minutes of cardio; I had 2 brownie bites last night!"

The above is a small fantasy I have entertained for awhile now, usually when I am sweating away on the treadmill, looking around at all the other women doing the same thing. The best part of this little fantasy is when Bachelor #1 and Anna from accounting are on their date...

Anna: "I will have the Guacamole Burger, with extra cheese, the curly fries and a Guinness. I am starving!"

Bachelor #1: "I will have a side salad and a glass of water with lemon."