Warning! This Post is Not Funny, Enlightening, or Interesting!

NOTE: This is a serious pity party here, peeps. Read it and weep, but just know that today is the last day of said pity party, as this will be the last rant about failing the bar. Plus, my husband might kill me if I don't shut my pie hole.

I am pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F. Like seriously, Alanis Morissette pissed. Fiona Apple pissed, even. And angry is not attractive. Psycho bitch rageaholic is not hot. While I am embarrassed beyond belief, I am angrier than I am embarrassed because I just failed the bar exam for the second time.

I did everything I was supposed to do. The first time, I took Barbri, the live lectures. I went every day and I took notes, created outlines, flashcards and did all the practice essays. I did extra practice essays. I did all the performance exams and did all the reading. I memorized all the mnemonics. Barbri tells you to be a sheep and just give the examiners the answer they want. I was a sheep.

I took both the 6-day and 3-day PMBR courses. I went every day and took notes. I completed the in-class book as well as the red and blue books. I purchased past MBE examinations from the NCBEX website and completed those under testing conditions. I reviewed every wrong answer. I made notes about the areas of law in which I was scoring low and went back and reviewed those areas. I listened to those god-forsaken CD’s, which was a seemingly endless dose of Sominex.

Here is what I didn’t do: Have fun. Talk to or see my family. Go out with my husband. Talk on the phone. Screw around on the internet. Sleep in. Work. Make money. See my friends.

I took that shit seriously. I hounded my husband endlessly about contracts and property and constitutional law and it was all we talked about. I constantly had a stomach ache ~ I was under a huge amount of pressure due to the financial strain I was putting my husband under. You gotta throw down some bills for Barbri – it is not cheap. Neither is PMBR.

My family had had a rough couple of years and was desperately in need of some good news, or good fortune, or really, just something not upsetting and disappointing. My husband’s family is full of lawyers who all passed the first time – one of them in more than one state. They seem to be under the misconception that I am brilliant (no doubt evidenced by my excellent taste in husbands) and I was afraid of disappointing them or my husband.

I was, and still am, friends with a lot of people that I have worked with at various law firms and in house legal jobs. My friends are lawyers, paralegals, legal secretaries and administrators. They “knew” I would pass and were anxiously awaiting the results. At the gym, I took Spin classes with a group of attorney’s from the local D.A’s office that I chatted with on a daily basis about the law, their jobs, my classes and the bar exam. They too, “knew” I would pass, because I am so “smart.”

And when the exam came around, I woke up on time. I was prepared and looking good. No computer problems, stuck to the time constraints on the essays, performance exams and even the MBE’s. I outlined. I went to bed early and watched bad TV.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

And I failed. Those fuckers failed me. I was old, tired, fat, broke and a failure.

So, the second time, I took Cal Bar Tutorial. I had to throw down even more bills. I did all the same shit I did the first time. I was at the library every day freezing my ass off. My in laws were still convinced I was brilliant, and my family was still in need of some good news. I had the same friends in the legal profession and the same husband who made me Lemon Drops every night (ok, pipe down, not really every night.)

I tried to relax a little more, go out with my husband more, have a little more fun. I spoke to my family on the phone. Improved my MBE scores. Bought more books. Worked out more.

Again, I took that shit seriously and when the exam came around again, I did the same thing I did before. I was there early, I was prepared. I did not have computer issues and I remembered my stupid little brown admittance slip. I ate healthy and dressed warmly and the room wasn’t freezing.

I did everything that repeaters were supposed to do.

And I failed. I fucking failed again.

I am pissed that I have subjected myself and my husband to staggering student loan debt for nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am pissed that some questionable people passed the bar and I didn’t.

I am mortified that I have had to explain to my friends and family that I failed again. Especially to my friends in the legal field; everyone knows some asshat (my new favorite word) lawyer with no common sense that passed the first time and here I am, a two time loser. I am afraid that they wonder whether or not I am smart enough to do this. I am afraid they question some of the choices I have made that have potentially put me in this situation. Why didn’t she go to law school right after college? Why did she work during law school?

I am afraid that the best I will ever be is what I am right now.

And that is why I am fucking pissed off.