Bow Wow Wow Yippe Yo Yippee Yay.

So, my lovely in-laws gave me a gift card to Nordstrom for Christmas. They totally rock. I was thinking a little retail therapy was in order this past weekend. I tried to accomplish this Saturday, seeing as how I was in desperate need of some 4 inch, patent leather Mary Janes at Nordstrom, but alas, Perfect Husband and Perfect Offspring #1 and #2 are not the shoppers I am. For them, it's all about picking out a t-shirt at Hot Topic, buying it, getting a smoothie and heading home. The Offspring especially do not understand how I can look at 5 apparently identical pairs of black pants and not like or buy any of them. Offspring #2, in all her 11 years of infinite wisdom, tells me that leggings are much more comfortable than black slacks. Yes, Poodle, I am sure they are... HOWEVER, my ass has not been in a pair of leggings since the 80's, thank GOD, and I see no reason to promulgate a resurgence of what is likely the most offensive assault on one's senses since babydoll dresses.


Anyhow, after Saturday's debacle at the mall with Perfect Husband (who is under the impression he is an excellent shopping partner, but woefully, is A Trailer...one that trails about 10 paces behind me holding 5 pairs of black pants and pretending to be interested, all the while asking, "Can we go get a drink?" or "Aren't you hungry?") I decide that effective immediately, all retail therapy shall be enjoyed alone, completely bereft of individuals trying to talk me into the Vans with pink penguins on them instead of the 4 inch, patent leather Mary Janes.


With the Offspring and Perfect Husband safely ensconced on the couch with several Tivo'd episodes of Without A Trace, I was off to Nordstrom for some therapy. I went to the Walnut Creek Nordstrom, which is its own kind of special. It draws the crowds from Orinda and Lafayette as well as Alamo and Danville, several upscale areas in Northern California. While these areas are very nice, and have beautiful homes, it is my contention that the more expensive house you buy, the less common sense you are likely to employ in your everyday activities. Maybe I feel that way, because I myself, do not live in a house the size of an airplane hangar.

So, there I am in the shoe department.....the heavens opened up and the angels sang and I was walking around peepin' out how cute the beautiful patent leather Mary Janes look on me, when out of the corner of my eye, I see what appears to be a Rottweiler get up and walk toward me...WTF?!?!?!? WAS THAT JUST A LARGE, BLACK, CARNIVOROUS DOG WALKING TOWARDS ME IN THE SACROSANCT NORDSTROM SHOE DEPARTMENT?!?!?! I almost fell over in my Mary Janes. The owner of said monster looks at me apologetically and says, "Oh, don't worry, she is totally friendly."


Note: While I abhor people like Michael Vick and other animal abusers, I myself am not much of an animal person. I grew up with a plethora of cats and dogs, yet never felt the love. The rest of my family, as well as my in-laws, are the type that hold birthday parties for their pets. When I die, I want to come back as a dog owned by my sister-in-law. Those inmates are running the asylum, fo' sho'.

Another note: Perfect Husband and I often lament the conspicuous lack of leashes or anything else canine in our home, much like we lament the lack of a Peg Perego stroller, as these are the two most likely reasons we will be kicked out of our crazy, SUV lovin' suburb. I keep checking the city council website to ensure "Motion to Evict Blonde Blogger and Perfect Husband For Non-Conformity" doesn't show up on the agenda.

But I digress...


As I quickly retreated back to my chair to avoid the ravenous Rottweiler, I searched frantically for the green jacket. Surely, this animal is a service dog. It must be. But no, there was no green jacket. After she tells me not to be afraid, that she is friendly, and noting the absence of a green jacket I ask, "What is she doing at Nordstrom???" She laughs and says, "Shopping."


Hold the phone, Batman. Now, I am all about the cute little purse dogs walking around on the MAC counter as I sample Viva Glam IV and the newest Paint Pot. But seriously?!?!?! Was there some sort of discrimination action against large department stores that allowed pocket dogs but not their plus-sized counterparts?? WHY is there a BIG ASS DOG in the shoe department?? There is no ascertainable reason for this large, large, large dog to be lounging about in the shoe department. Especially in Walnut Creek. This is the place where housewives wearing $195 Tod's loafers and carrying Brighton bags feed their offspring, likely named "Poet" or "Harlow," homemade, organic babyfood from a Tiffany's spoon in the shoe department, so what did I expect? I buy the beautiful Mary Janes and head upstairs to buy a pair of black pants. (En route, I swing by the MAC counter and drop $100, but that is a whole 'nother post.....)


I find 5 pairs of identical black pants to try on and as I head to the dressing room, I swear to GOD, a woman walks by WITH A BEAGLE. A beagle. Like Snoopy. On a leash, in the Point of View department, on the second floor, at Nordstrom in Walnut Creek. Do I need to get a rabies shot in order to shop at Nordstrom now?!?!?! Is this National Bring Your Big Ass Dog to Nordstrom Day and I didn't get the memo???

I should have gone to Hot Topic.