You Can Be An Asshole too!
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - William Shakespeare, Henry VI
The quote above is, I believe, what started the backlash against lawyers. Back then, I think you could get hanged for being able to read and write. No one likes lawyers except other lawyers (and even that is doubtful) and people who are married to them that are, quite frankly, living in fear. I did a Yahoo search for "lawyer jokes" and this is what I got:
There are roughly 5.9 million websites for lawyer jokes. Everyone thinks lawyers are assholes. Because lawyers ARE assholes and here's why:
They have to take a class to take a test to even get into law school. This is where the spending begins. The smart ones stop here and marry rich.
Lawyers then spend the next three or four years enduring the Socratic method of teaching, which, for those of you who don't know, is where you are randomly called on in class to brief a case that you were supposed to read. Then, when you do exactly that, the professor will publicly humiliate you by asking you rapid fire questions that even he doesn't know the answer to. He will then drill you about the dissent. The dissent? The dissent is the opinion of the justices WHO DIDN'T WIN. Who gives a shit what they think and why even read it? Then, after you are thoroughly confused as to what the holding was and what the dissent was, the professor goes in for the kill and asks you how YOU would have decided the case. There is no right answer to this question and you will wish you had never been born.
If Mommy and Daddy are not footing the bill, law school is hella expensive. The books are even worse and it is the same shit as in college; the professor authors the book that he requires for his class, there are no used copies and then, at the end of the semester when you go to sell it back, he decides to publish a new edition so THE ONE YOU SPENT $95.00 ON IS NOW WORTH .87 CENTS. Like HE needs any more frickin' money, as you spend your .87 cents on Top Ramen.
Lawyers are ridiculed in law school for being nerds because they have to read instead of doing keg stands at the Kappa house. Today's Kappa Keg-Standers will be tomorrow's insolvent clients. Nice.
After a graduation that you don't remember because you were so excited to be out of law school you got drunk before the ceremony, you have to start studying for the bar exam. In California, this means you will be a mean, sleep-deprived, fat, over-caffeinated, stressed out, anger ball with the patience of a gnat. You will have to learn to answer multiple choice questions correctly THAT HAVE NO CORRECT ANSWER. The bar exam is a test about how to take a test. You may have every subject down cold, but alas, you still may fail.
And if you do fail, you will have to do the above all over again. The bar exam, like law school, is hella expensive. So are the all of the bar review courses. They give you brilliant little gems to cling to such as "get a lot of sleep the night before" or "remember, the bar starts on Tuesday, not Wednesday" and "stay healthy and take vitamins." Then they regale you with hilarious anecdotes about the girl who fell in the shower and hit her head and took the bar concussed. And passed. Or the guy who was so afraid of not being able to sleep, he took five narcotic sleeping pills in a six hour period. And passed. These stories are a total riot when you are studying the first time. They take on a whole new meaning when it dawns on you that brain-damaged drug addicts passed the bar and you didn't.
I could go on forever. But the reasons set forth above are why lawyers are assholes. I will proudly be one as well. They deserve to be a little angry. They are in debt and trying to lose the bar weight. If you had to do all of this crap, you would be an asshole too.
But, as it turns out, the world thinks everyone else is an asshole as well. Here are the other Yahoo searches I conducted for jokes relating to various other fields:
1 - 10 of about 476,000 for accountant jokes
1 - 10 of about 278,000 for firefighter jokes
Everyone loves firefighters and accountants. Doctors hand out drugs so I see how people like doctors better than lawyers. But the teachers???? 7.4 million jokes about teachers. Can you imagine if I said, "First thing we do, let's kill all the teachers"? Then I would really be an asshole.
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