I Just Want A Door.

I have a background in law enforcement and always wanted to go to law school to be a prosecutor. I wanted to put all the drug dealers away and castrate the rapists and pedophiles. I always believed that I would be in a courtroom, with Benson and Stabler sitting behind me, fighting the good fight. Conversely, I thought I could get really good trial experience if I worked for the public defenders office. They are so backlogged I could be handling a murder trial in 6 months (scary if you are a felon in need of a public defender!) These are the things I used to tell people when they asked why I wanted to go to law school. Now, when people ask me why I went to law school I say that I went to law school to get a better paying job so I can afford plastic surgery. People laugh, like it's a joke.

Slowly, but surely, all my lofty goals and aspirations have been beaten out of me. Reality has set in. I am tired. Tired of studying and trying to understand concepts that often elude me. I no longer want to change the world, make a change or create new and exciting law. Failing the bar has made my goals abundantly clear. I just want an air-conditioned office with a door. Benson and Stabler can fight the good fight without me.

You Can Be An Asshole too!

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - William Shakespeare, Henry VI

The quote above is, I believe, what started the backlash against lawyers. Back then, I think you could get hanged for being able to read and write. No one likes lawyers except other lawyers (and even that is doubtful) and people who are married to them that are, quite frankly, living in fear. I did a Yahoo search for "lawyer jokes" and this is what I got:

1 - 10 of about 5,980,000 for lawyer jokes

There are roughly 5.9 million websites for lawyer jokes. Everyone thinks lawyers are assholes. Because lawyers ARE assholes and here's why:

They have to take a class to take a test to even get into law school. This is where the spending begins. The smart ones stop here and marry rich.

Lawyers then spend the next three or four years enduring the Socratic method of teaching, which, for those of you who don't know, is where you are randomly called on in class to brief a case that you were supposed to read. Then, when you do exactly that, the professor will publicly humiliate you by asking you rapid fire questions that even he doesn't know the answer to. He will then drill you about the dissent. The dissent? The dissent is the opinion of the justices WHO DIDN'T WIN. Who gives a shit what they think and why even read it? Then, after you are thoroughly confused as to what the holding was and what the dissent was, the professor goes in for the kill and asks you how YOU would have decided the case. There is no right answer to this question and you will wish you had never been born.

If Mommy and Daddy are not footing the bill, law school is hella expensive. The books are even worse and it is the same shit as in college; the professor authors the book that he requires for his class, there are no used copies and then, at the end of the semester when you go to sell it back, he decides to publish a new edition so THE ONE YOU SPENT $95.00 ON IS NOW WORTH .87 CENTS. Like HE needs any more frickin' money, as you spend your .87 cents on Top Ramen.

Lawyers are ridiculed in law school for being nerds because they have to read instead of doing keg stands at the Kappa house. Today's Kappa Keg-Standers will be tomorrow's insolvent clients. Nice.

After a graduation that you don't remember because you were so excited to be out of law school you got drunk before the ceremony, you have to start studying for the bar exam. In California, this means you will be a mean, sleep-deprived, fat, over-caffeinated, stressed out, anger ball with the patience of a gnat. You will have to learn to answer multiple choice questions correctly THAT HAVE NO CORRECT ANSWER. The bar exam is a test about how to take a test. You may have every subject down cold, but alas, you still may fail.

And if you do fail, you will have to do the above all over again. The bar exam, like law school, is hella expensive. So are the all of the bar review courses. They give you brilliant little gems to cling to such as "get a lot of sleep the night before" or "remember, the bar starts on Tuesday, not Wednesday" and "stay healthy and take vitamins." Then they regale you with hilarious anecdotes about the girl who fell in the shower and hit her head and took the bar concussed. And passed. Or the guy who was so afraid of not being able to sleep, he took five narcotic sleeping pills in a six hour period. And passed. These stories are a total riot when you are studying the first time. They take on a whole new meaning when it dawns on you that brain-damaged drug addicts passed the bar and you didn't.

I could go on forever. But the reasons set forth above are why lawyers are assholes. I will proudly be one as well. They deserve to be a little angry. They are in debt and trying to lose the bar weight. If you had to do all of this crap, you would be an asshole too.

But, as it turns out, the world thinks everyone else is an asshole as well. Here are the other Yahoo searches I conducted for jokes relating to various other fields:

1 - 10 of about 476,000 for accountant jokes

1 - 10 of about 7,490,000 for teacher jokes

1 - 10 of about 278,000 for firefighter jokes

1 - 10 of about 5,610,000 for doctor jokes

Everyone loves firefighters and accountants. Doctors hand out drugs so I see how people like doctors better than lawyers. But the teachers???? 7.4 million jokes about teachers. Can you imagine if I said, "First thing we do, let's kill all the teachers"? Then I would really be an asshole.

The Good Barbie.

A lot of people, mostly feminists, have a problem with Barbie as a role model for young girls. I can see their point, with her anatomically impossible proportions, the Barbie Dreamhouse, the Barbie Dreamcar, etc. It might give girls the notion that as long as you are cute and skinny and blonde, then life will be full of great houses, cars and of course, men. It also might give young girls the idea that in order to have a fulfilling life, you need to have all these perfect, beautiful accoutrement's and a hot man to take care of you. Anything short of that will surely lead to a substandard existence.

But I think some Barbie's today are better than others in terms of providing a positive role model for girls. When I was growing up, I had regular Barbie's, with regular clothes, roller skates and a blow up swimming pool. Some of today's Barbie's are a little scary for me. Exhibit A:

WTF??? A NASCAR Barbie?? This particular Barbie comes complete with a monosyllabic, beer gut-having, Jaeger shot-doing, shotgun-toting, squirrel-hunting, 7th grade drop out boyfriend named Cooter, who is also her 1st cousin. They do not live in The Barbie Dreamhouse, but in The Barbie Double-Wide, with a hound dog and a 1973 pickup in the front yard that is inexplicably missing an engine. Oh wait, Cooter sold the engine to Bubba next door for some chewing tobacco. I don't know about you, but I think today's young women can aspire to more out of life than a dreary existence skinning squirrels and other rodents not fit for actual human consumption and nursing babies in bars. Consider Exhibit B:

Ahhhh, that's more like it. A nice, polite, educated, pink suit-wearing, manners-having, dog-toting, professional Barbie, who vigorously defends wrongfully-accused, former aerobics instructor sorority sisters and pushes through legislation for safe cosmetics testing. All of our daughters should be so successful! Her boyfriend might be a judge, senator, or lobbyist and he is bright enough to see past the shiny pink exterior and realize that she has a brilliant legal mind like a steel trap. This Barbie's boyfriend does not own any self-made hunting rifles, nor does he eat chicken-fried rodent.

So, not all Barbie's are bad role models, just some of them. I think the people over at Mattel need some fresh blood to keep the creative juices going because I fear we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here. How about President-Elect Barbie? Senator Barbie? Speaker of the House Barbie? Supreme Court Justice Barbie? All the little girls can hold senatorial hearings and practice their State of the Union addresses instead of just picking out a matching bra and panty set (although, I contend matching is important...starts the day off organized!)

I think I am going to email some suggestions for new Barbie's to Mattel. My first one is Unemployed Psycho Bitch Barbie Taking the Bar For the Second Time. Would you buy her? She has bad roots, she is a little heavier than the other Barbie's, she is a bit crabby, and she spends a lot of money, but she can analyze a negligence claim like NO other Barbie can!

Viagra - Free Gift with Purchase!

An article was brought to my attention yesterday by my husband's friends, that said that The Aids Healthcare Foundation is suing the pharmaceutical behemoth Pfizer Inc. for promoting the recreational use of Viagra, resulting in an increase in sexually transmitted diseases, including, but not limited to, HIV/AIDS. It was originally posted on http://www.cnn.com/ but I also found it at http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/809740/viagra_advertising_lawsuit__aids_healthcare_foundation_hosts_nyc_press/index.html?source=r_health. Here is an excerpt:

"We are filing this lawsuit today to seek an injunction against Pfizer to force it to stop advertising this prescription medication in the reckless manner it has been doing, and to require Pfizer to undertake an immediate public information/education campaign to both inform members of the general public as to its prior advertising practices, and to educate the public, and in particular, men who have sex with men, about the increased risks of transmission of sexually transmitted diseases associated with using Pfizer's Viagra."

Another little tidbit:

"The promotion of Viagra for what some have called 'recreational use' must be stopped."

That last quote prompted a friend of my husband's to send an email to all of their friends asking, "Is there a NON-recreational use for Viagra???" (I picture this group of educated, highly intelligent, professional men sitting at their desks snickering, as I fear they are all just cleverly disguised horny 13 year old boys!)

Based on what I read in the article, I am certain there is a non-recreational use for Viagra. If your soldier cannot stand at attention on his own, it becomes a serious, non-recreational activity to get him back on active duty!! It just might be a matter of national security. However, if your soldier can stand at attention on his own, and is just too lazy to do so, or wants to stand at attention for hours on end while enduring heart palpitations and seeing a foggy blue haze, then it is deemed "recreational" use.

I, of course, have an answer to the problems associated with the recreational use of Viagra. What if Viagra came with a free gift with purchase, similar to those offered by Lancome or Estee Lauder or any of the other cosmetics counters? Free gift: box of condoms! Buy a bottle of Viagra and get a free 1 month supply of Trojans, in a cute little makeup bag with a complimentary compact mirror and comb! Everyone would be happy!! All soldiers in need of extra motivation, recreationally or otherwise, can continue to use Viagra, while significantly reducing the amount of sexually transmitted diseases resulting from the use of Viagra! Brilliant!

For those of you who think I have veered tragically off the bar review path, fret not. As I was pondering the aforementioned issue, I reviewed several key subjects for the bar exam:

1. Constitutional Law - 1st Amendment, Prior restraints, Commercial speech, Standing
2. Civil Procedure - Jurisdiction, Venue
3. Corporations - Unlawful Business Practices, disgorgement
4. Remedies - Injunction, Inadequate legal remedy, Restitution

Not bad!

My Advice to Hilary.

A woman is going to run for President of the United States. I wonder if things are a little icy down in hell today?

Regardless of how you feel about Hilary, the fact that a woman is running for President is a huge sign that times are changing. And if Barack Obama decides to run, everyone in Texas is going to tearily cling to their shotguns and pray for Armageddon! Ann Coulter is probably having an aneurysm right now. These events should make the next year and 10 months oh so interesting. And what a great time to be in law school! We endlessly fought about women running for president and it wasn't even a possibility then, I can hear the soapboxes being dragged out as I write this!

But Hilary, girl, I think you need a little help. A little help from a woman that doesn't know anything about politics or running for president, but knows a thing or two about men. According to The League of Men Voters (http://www.leagueofmenvoters.org/index.html) women are voting in larger numbers than men. Apparently, for every 100 male voters that take part in national elections, 115 women take part. HHHmmmm. This is great news for Hilary.

Women, in general, can be bitchy and catty. I think Hilary should concentrate on the male vote and with a few minor PR-type changes in her presentation, she can manipulate the male vote in her favor. Here is a list I have for Hilary with some suggestions for how to win the male vote:

10. Wear shorter skirts and get rid of the pants. Regardless of what Ann Coulter says about her calves, men like skin and they want to see it.

9. For the same reason listed above, show more cleavage; invest in a Wonderbra.

8. Go to a party at the Playboy Mansion. Make friends with The Girls Next Door.

7. Promise to declare the Monday after Superbowl Sunday a national holiday so no one has to go to work hungover.

6. DO NOT air your speeches, political campaign slogans, commercials or debates on any channel showing any sporting event ever.

5. Have Anheuser-Busch sponsor your campaign travel and have kegs at all your rallies and speeches.

4. While on said campaign trail, if you are in a city that has a professional sports team of any kind, wear that team's jersey while giving your speech. If that city has more than one professional team, make more than one speech!

3. Appear in a swimsuit (preferably one that is red, white and blue) on the cover of Maxim. Or Stuff. Or FHM. Or all three.

2. Promise to put the Texas Cattle Barons in charge of the White House Kitchen. Meat and potatoes for everyone!

And the number one piece of advice I would give Hilary to get men to vote for her is...

1. Grow your hair long. Doy.

Really, Hilary, you said on your website www.hillaryclinton.com that you are in it to win it. Then play the game by the rules that have been established since Adam gave up that rib. You are not a man, so don't try to be like one. Don't try and run for president and change how men view women in politics too. That is too much to do in one lifetime.

It is 12 Degrees In There!

As some of the other bloggers out there studying for the bar will tell you, looking and feeling good is an important component of bar preparation. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to concentrate or retain significant amounts of material if you do not look or feel good. When I studied for the bar last time, I was a total mess. No makeup, sweats or shorts (it was usually about 100 degrees outside!) and my hair up in a knot on my head. I looked like shit and felt even worse. However, I just could not give up the 30 or 40 minutes of extra sleep. My husband continually told me I looked totally hot (back then, I thought he was exhibiting signs of early-early-onset Alzheimer's, but now I think it was just a thinly-veiled attempt to get me in the mood) but I felt like a dishrag.

Things are different now!! I am over it and am going to take on the bar looking good!! Hair (usually) done and makeup on!! I am up early and to the gym. Nails and toes are good! I am treating bar prep this time like a full time job; I wouldn't go to work in sweats without makeup, so why go to the library that way? Exactly!!

Which brings me to my next point; while I am feeling better about myself (self-confidence is crucial for the bar exam, after all!) and trying to be all cute and everything, the Bay Area is going through a cold spell and I am freezing my ass off. Apparently, my local library is trying to conserve energy or keep the PG&E bill down, because it is positively ARCTIC in there!

How am I supposed to be cute and confident when I look like the Michelin Man??? Here is what I wore to the library yesterday: tights under my jeans, jeans, two pairs of socks, tennis shoes, a tank top, a thermal long-sleeved top, an Old Navy fleece, my parka, gloves, scarf and hat. THIS IS CALIFORNIA! Are you kidding me with this, how am I supposed to feel like a hottie with all these clothes on? It took me a half hour every time I had to go to the bathroom. Even with all that, I still had to go to the bathroom every hour and run my hands under the hot water, because I can't type with my gloves on. I wonder if that would work as an excuse with my professor for not writing as much as I should, "I am sorry I don't have more essays to turn in, Mr. Bar Review Professor, it was too cold." Not so much.

So, Monday starts my quest for a kinder, gentler place to study. There are several other public library I can go to, so I may shop around. Maybe this just means that I need to buy more clothes! I wonder if there is a library near the mall...

Jackass: Part II

I think Jackass is stalking me. I have seen him twice in the last week, not counting our class on Sunday. If you are unfamiliar with my friend Jackass, check out Barred for Life: First Time Takers Can Be Assholes. I have a feeling he keeps seeking me out to boost his self esteem; he can tell me about all the writing, MBE's, and performance tests he is doing all day every day, while managing to avoid the paralyzing fear and self-doubt that plagues the rest of us. How has he escaped this? Is his ego that big? And if so, who exactly is helping him create that monster of an ego?

I have a lot of friends that I went to law school with that have taken and passed the California bar exam. Not one of them has any idea how they did it. They are all very humble and grateful and more than happy to tell you what worked for them. Some of them were confident and disciplined and methodical in their approach to the bar and it paid off for them. Some weren't at all focused and some didn't take any type of bar review class and they passed as well.

I also have friends that were at the top of their class in law school, had good, high-paying jobs waiting for them and they failed the bar. Some more than once. So, why does Jackass think he will be any different than the rest of us? Don't worry, I am not going to go pissing in the karma pool. I hope he passes...yada, yada, yada. And when he does, he can suck it.

Then I start thinking that maybe I am not cut out to be a lawyer; I don't have what it takes to pass the bar. Maybe Jackass does really have it all down and he is going to go in there and kick some ass. And maybe his life is one big, naked, slumber party at the Big Firm that is going to pay him an Ungodly Amount of Money. But can one person have it all? And right then, as he is telling me about how he is way ahead of me in our bar review class, and if I just do what he does, then I will be fine, I look down, and I see them. And I feel better than I have in a really, really long time.

Jackass has seriously small feet.

Study Break!!

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Angelina Jolie

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Scarred for Life.

I should have named this blog "Scarred for Life." God, this sucks out loud. Why do public libraries not allow food or drink? I am not studying at school because I don't want to see anyone I know, God forbid I run into Jackass or some other shithead that is convinced they will pass the first time. So, I am studying at the local public library.

How the hell am I supposed to spend all day there, 8 or 9 hours, without having so much as a bottle of water with me? I could end up in a diabetic coma for God's sake. I bring a lunch, but there is no place to eat it other than the tables outside and it is freezing, so I end up eating lunch in my car with the heater on. Nothing says LOSER like trying to sneak a Diet Coke in the library at this stage of my life.

Public libraries suck and here's why: kids. They are there all the time. Even in the areas that say "Study Area - Please Be Quiet." They just don't care. They are all screaming banshees. Unequivocally. Although, I will say that it's much better studying there now, in the winter, than when I was studying there in the summer. Here is a fun little anecdote from July...

As I have said before, studying for the July bar exam ruined my life. I was a crazed, wild-eyed lunatic looking for a quiet place to study. An overdose of Rocky Road and Diet Coke was only days away. It was 106 degrees outside. Literally. At this particular library, there were about 6,000 activities and play groups for children of all ages, at any given time throughout the day. I was almost accustomed to the dull roar of all the crumb-snatchers, when one day there was a stray child wandering around near the periodical section where I was seated quietly in my study carroll. My study carroll, coincidentally, was as far away from the children's section as I could get. If I was any further I would be in the bathroom.

So, then this stray child starts singing that song about the monkeys jumping on the bed and then falling off the bed. You know, one falls down and bumps his head. She is singing out loud. Very loud. She is so loud, in fact, that I am certain she is completely unfamiliar with the term "inside voice." She is singing this loud in the periodical section. Right near me, on a day I had chosen to take on the study of mortgages and equitable servitude's and the like. I had forgotten there were so many damn monkeys jumping on that bed. Where is her mother??? There are still 4 monkeys jumping on the bed, I am sitting there without a Diet Coke, and I can feel my blood pressure rising. I am looking around for her mother, pissed off, and I am the type of person not afraid to shoot a nasty look at a mother of a child that is acting inappropriate in public.

I cannot see anyone who looks like they would claim this banshee. Now, I am not stupid, I do not want to approach this child for several reasons. One, I don't want to be banned from his library. It is only July 10th, and I need to be here for about 3 more weeks. Two, I may snap and throw her through the stained glass window. So, in a caffeine-deprived, manic rage, I fly toward the clerk at the front desk, flashcards and all, and ask her if she can hear the child singing about the monkeys. I kid you not, she looks at me and asks, "What monkeys?" Mother of God, woman, I am about to have an aneurysm. And the banshee is still singing. Only 2 fucking monkeys left now. I tell the clerk at the desk, in a low, controlled voice befitting a serial killer, that she needs to tell the child to stop singing or that she has to go outside because there are people studying. She looks at me and says, "What child?" So, as my face turned red, I screeched, "LOOK!!! THERE IS A CHILD SINGING THE MONKEY SONG BACK THERE!! MAKE HER STOP!! THE SONG ENDS BADLY; ALL THE MONKEYS END UP ON THE DAMN FLOOR WITH CONCUSSIONS AND THEY SUE THE PROPERTY OWNER FOR DAMAGES! I NEED IT TO BE QUIET!!"

Just then, a woman floats by in what appears to be a Valium-induced haze, since she is completely unfazed at the shocking lack of restraint this child is exhibiting, and in her Stepford uniform of Juicy Couture sweats and Louis Vuitton bag, she calmly collects the banshee and heads out the front door. And I am standing there at the front desk looking like a child-hating demon from hell. One of the low points of July 2006 bar review.

NOTE: I love Juicy Couture sweats and my perfect husband bought me a really cute pink pair, but thanks to the July bar exam, my fat ass doesn't fit into them. Hence, the slightly bitter tone.

Barf It Like Beckham

Just a random thought on my way out the door to waste more time when I should be studying:

Maybe David Beckham could spend a little bit of the $250 million dollars he got from MLS on a cheeseburger for his wife. Food for thought...

Are you a Pregnant Man?

Today I was on a well-known weight loss website (still have to lose the damn bar weight from July) and I was entering all my depressing statistics (height, weight, etc.) when I get to a section of health-related questions. Questions like, "Have you ever been diagnosed with bulimia nervosa," and other questions about smoking and drinking. No, no and YES, lots.

Then I come across a question set apart from the others in all caps and bold:

"THIS QUESTION IS FOR WOMEN ONLY: Are you
pregnant?"

This question was no doubt drafted by their crack legal team, to prevent future liability for giving erroneous weight loss advice to pregnant and/or lactating men. Just goes to prove my prior point on my very first post...the ability to pass the bar in no way correlates to the ability to practice law...

Alternate Career Choice #2

In law school, immediately after every exam, I would tell my friends, "Oh well, if I flunk out I am going to beauty school!" And everyone would laugh. Now that I have failed the bar, no one is laughing. I think people are seriously afraid that I am headed for beauty school and they are not wrong. It is Alternate Career Choice #2.

I liked law school. It was demanding and I made significant sacrifices, but I enjoyed a lot of the classes, the reading and the professors. But sometimes, in some of my lower points since failing the bar, I wonder, what the hell was I thinking? I have worked in small firms, large firms and in-house legal departments and I have seen the toll practicing law can take on a person. Billing hours is a huge pain in the ass, and a lot of new lawyers don't realize that in order bill 8 or 9 hours a day, you need to actually work 12 or 13. Clients lie, judges hate you for interrupting their golf plans with your silly little demurrer and opposing counsel won't return your calls.

Beauty school and doing hair all day??? Heaven! Imagine spending all day in a pretty salon with good lighting, wearing cute clothes, listening to good music surrounded by hair products and People magazines?? I can almost hear the angels singing! The only responsibility you have is not to turn Mrs. Jones' hair green! Oh, to do hair all day and chat with my friends (I mean, clients) about why Brad Pitt would cheat on someone like Jennifer Anniston! Plus, I would always have good hair. Bonus!

Oh, wait. I forgot. I have a shitload of student debt. I get bored easily. I like expensive purses. I need to pay off said debt. I like to argue. I think I will give the law one more chance before I don my pink smock and learn how to do highlights. But I still have my application all filled out and ready to go!

MBE's Suck......

For those of you that failed because of the MBE's, like I did, check out the book, Strategies and Tactics for the MBE by Kimm Walton and Steve Emanuel. It has tips and tactics for each of the six subjects and has really helped me a lot. There are also a ton of real MBE questions, taken from past exams. My scores have increased substantially since using it.

Quote of the Day: "If you don't find your place in life, someone else will find it for you."
- Brilliant Friend of Mine Taking the Bar

Never Post While Inebriated.

Oh. My. God. Today sucked hard. I spent the better part of three hours on COMPUTER ISSUES. My laptop virus protection lapsed yesterday, so I go online to update it and because the wireless connection at the library SUCKS OUT LOUD, it takes forever and I cannot get it to download, because every loser in the world is at the library checking their Schwab accounts or downloading recipes (????) or on Match.com. Which brings me to another question; what are you doing trolling for boy toys at the public library in Suburbia?!?!?! I saw this woman sitting next to me today looking for men online but I saw her profile and it said she was married but looking for one-on-one fun. What????? I have been with a lot of assholes, but really, it takes too much energy to deal with more than one asshole at a time. I can multi-task, but not that well.

So, I come home and call the computer company (should I mention them by name?) and the automated bitch that everyone hates asks me for the express service code number on my laptop. Then she says that it is located on the bottom of my laptop next to the words "express service code." WTF!?!?! I am crying by this time and my husband, who totally rocks, makes me a martini. Lemon drop. My favorite! And then another one....yippee!! So, I am finally feeling good....a little bit fuzzy.....But way better than when I got home!! My husband is ssooo awesome!!!

Life is in the Details.

Life is in the details. I picked up this precious little nugget of wisdom from my current bar review professor. Another gem: "it's the little things that kill you." I am one of those people; the little things will, in fact, kill me. Which leads me to my obessesion with typos.

What, exactly, do book editors do? I cannot tell you the number of books I have read that have typos. It isn't really surprising that the "true life" type of books that come out about 15 minutes after a major news event have typos and mispellings and incorrect syntax. I am sure those books were thrown together in the hopes of catching the profitable wave of media frenzy that induces millions of people to buy near-illiterate books. But still. As someone who is unemployed again, taking the bar exam for the second time, pondering a lifetime of bar review hell, this might actually be a feasible alternate career choice for me. I must say, it really must not be that hard. The standards certainly are not as high as those on the bar exam or for that matter, in the practice of law. Someone sends you a manuscript, you read it, correct the obvious mistakes while ignoring the more subtle ones, and move on to the next manuscript. Hopefully, at home in bed or in front of your computer in your jammies. Not a bad way to make a buck. If, while practicing law, you happen to miss a subtle problem or mistake, bad things can happen. People can lose their homes, lose custody of their children, lose money or go to prison. This is why lawyers need malpractice insurance and book editors don't. (Note: this is pure conjecture on my part, seeing as how the state of California has not seen fit to grant me a license to practice law. Whatever; I'm not bitter.)

My big problem is with textbooks or say, hhhmmm, bar review books that have typos and mispellings. Books that I usually pay over $50.00 for. In law school, a textbook required for a writing class kept using "imminent domain" instead of "eminent domain." As if the government is going to take your private property for public use RIGHT NOW! The taking is IMMINENT! This absolutely killed me because a lawyer wrote the book! Did he not actually study Property or Con Law??? One of the bar review books I bought recently used "emanent" domain. What? According to my friend Merriam-Webster, that is not even a word!

Clearly, (I am out of law school, I can use the word "clearly" again!) book editors are not lawyers. Because of the lower standard for attention to detail, being a book editor is now officially my Alternate Career Choice #1.

However, having said all this, I apologize in advance for any and all typos in my posts.

Bar Review with Reality Television

I am finding there is an excellent way to learn the law through reality television. I am ashamed to admit this (not really) but I LOVE reality TV. I am not even that picky; you know how some people will watch Survivor, but not The Girls Next Door? Reality snobs. Not me, I like to watch them all. And God bless the people who invented Tivo. I mean really, Tivo ranks right up there with electricity, the curling iron and feminine hygiene products. And that is no joke.

I also like really bad pop music sung by precocious teenagers, but that is for another post.

The following is a reality TV Guide for all the peeps studying for the bar so you will know which shows to watch to learn the subjects:

The Real World Denver - Crimes and Torts - especially assault, battery, sexual misconduct, and the defenses of voluntary and involuntary intoxication.

The Duel - The Real World/Road Rules Challenge - Same as above, except you can add trespass to chattel, bribery and extortion.

Breaking Bonaduce - Constitutional Law - freedom of association and freedom of religion - as well as all of Crimes, especially INSANITY.

My Fair Brady - Community Property - the underestimated value of prenuptial agreements.

The Girls Next Door - Contracts - particularly offer, acceptance and consideration. Gives new meaning to the phrases "bargained for exchange" and "partial performance."

The Biggest Loser - Criminal Procedure - 8th Amendment - cruel and unusual punishment.

Dr. 90210 - Evidence - especially "excited utterance ."

The Anna Nicole Show - Community Property, Wills and Trusts - testator's intent, validity of wills, will contests and again, the underestimated value of prenuptial agreements.

What Not To Wear - Constitutional law - freedom of speech.

The Apprentice - Corporations and Partnerships - duty of loyalty and self-dealing.

Hogan Knows Best - Torts - nuisance, public as well as private.

I find that "studying" the law this way is a fun, yet disturbing way to commit the finer points of law to memory. Way better than Barbri.

Not a Good Day.

It is amazing how much cleaning you can get done while you should be studying for the bar exam.

Blonde Justice

Blonde Justice

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First Time Takers Can Be Assholes.

Now really, I know I was not like that the first time I studied for the bar. I have always been scared to death that I might fail (and alas, I did not actually die) and therefore, had much sympathy for those who did not pass the first time. The only people who don't understand that failing the bar is not an indication of the ability to practice law are people who have never suffered through law school or the bar exam, or worked at a law firm. I have done both.

I was temping at a medium sized law firm when results came out. I had to actually walk in there on Monday morning after learning I had failed on the previous Friday. Talk about a shitty, humbling experience. Everyone at that firm was totally understanding and supportive and made it seem like the fact that I had failed did not affect their opinion of me or my abilities. But what I noticed was that several of the lawyers there came in to tell me that they had not passed the first time either. Would have been good to know that before I walked in there that morning, but it did make me feel exponentially better; these people were successful, (relatively) happy lawyers that had founded a thriving practice and had lived to tell the tale. They also have an exceptionally good reputation as lawyers and as a firm. So, I still have hope.

But anyway, on to the assholes. You know, now that I am a second time taker (like my favorite failure, JFK. Jr. - I hate it when people mention him) there are several people in my bar review class now that were behind me in law school. One in particular, I will fondly refer to as Jackass, seems to be of the opinion that he is doing this the RIGHT WAY. He pontificates, in great detail, on his study schedule and the superior techniques he has learned along the way through sheer dedication, determination and devotion to his studies. He was shocked to learn that I had taken Barbri and two PMBR classes last time and that I studied around the clock and did not goof off. He looked at me with a pointed look that said, "Well then, you must be stupid, because if I had done that, I would have passed for sure." He is just so, so sure that he is going to pass and so, so sure that what he is doing is so much better than what the rest of us did, that I just want to poke him in the eye. I am a big believer in karma and what goes around comes around, so I am not going to wish him any bad ju-ju, but he can suck it.

He was an ass in school and he is a bigger ass now. He has a cushy job waiting for him at a large law firm when he passes. He has never worked in a large law firm. My feelings about bad karma notwithstanding, I will laugh when the humiliating, spirit-crushing life of a first year associate makes him wish he had gone to medical school. While trying to bill 2300 hours that first year, he will also try to stop his wife from nagging about the hours, keep his daughters from cultivating absent-daddy issues that will surely result in an eating disorder, try to not notice the hot secretary that is clearly looking for a ticket out of "support staff" hell, all the while doing tedious, unending research for a partner who will take credit for it. If he is actually allowed client contact, the client will not even acknowledge him due to his dubious title as "Junior Associate", let alone consider him "brilliant." Good luck to ya, my friend. I have seen better men than you crash and burn in a fiery death of debt, divorce and malpractice.

God, I feel better. Now, on to MBE's.

February 2007 Bar Exam.

Happy New Year. Here I am, like the other 51% or so of applicants that failed the July 2006 California Bar Exam, starting to study and prepare again for the worst bar exam in the country. What a fantastic way to start the year!

I decided not to take Barbri again. I got a lot out of it last summer, but it was mostly substantive knowledge, and I think I need to concentrate on other areas now. Like the damn MBE (which is why I failed). I am taking a different bar review course, designed for second time takers, that concentrates on a certain writing style that the bar examiners allegedly want to see. Does anyone really know this? I certainly hope my instructor does! That was part of my problem with Barbri and the whole crazy, frenetic Barbri/PMBR vibe, was that we got so many different opinions on what the bar wants to see, what they want to hear, how they want to see it that you have no idea if what you are doing is actually going to result in a passing score. Apparently, I had the wrong idea.

I will not lie. I am pissed. The way I studied last time totally ruined my life. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing this, but it really did. I listened to everything that all of those marginally funny Barbri professors said and busted my ass every day (good idea???????) I am lucky that my poor husband hasn't left me. (In that regard, my husband is the most perfect man to ever walk this earth.) But anyways, I studied all day, every day, with only two days off the whole time. I didn't see my friends, didn't work out, didn't go out with my husband, didn't see my family and I GAINED 20 POUNDS. I thought it all would have been worth it if I had passed. No. Not so much.

Seeing as how I am still fat from the last bar exam, I cannot and will not let this one ruin my life. Like I said, I am taking a different bar review course and we only meet as a group (about 40 of us) with the professor one day a week. And judging from my utter and complete inability to sit still for that one day, reinforces my decision not to take Barbri again...I cannot sit there all day every day again!! So I started again on January 2 (really the 3rd) and here I am. It is 7:55 am and I should be at the gym so I can get to the library at 10:00 am when they open. Hmmm...so, I will be posting my thoughts and processes throughout while trying to figure out what works.

Oh, and last time I acted like studying for the bar was like lent. I gave up alcohol. Big mistake. Huge.