I Threw Up In My Mouth A Little...

Mother of God. The State Bar of California has released the questions on the bar exam that I just took in February. As I read it over, I could feel the blood rushing from my head and I think I threw up a little in my mouth. I knew I should have gone to beauty school.

If anyone out there wants to read the bar exam questions and consequently thank god above for steering you in a different professional direction, be my guest....

http://www.calbar.ca.gov/calbar/pdfs/admissions/GBX/G0702-Selected-Questions.pdf

And anyone who tries to tell me that the test was easy or that those essays were no problem, or that the performance exams were straightforward and "simple"....CAN SUCK IT!

No Benefits Yet!!

I do not qualify for benefits until May 1....and I don't get my packet until then either!!! WTF!!! That sucks!!!

Seriously!

The Chief Medical Correspondent on CNN this week proclaimed that fat men are happier than their leaner counterparts. It was a fun little piece and the doctor was chuckling as he explained that now its ok for men down a couple more beers, crunch on some more chips and salsa because it can only make them happier!

Seriously? What a crock of shit. Think it works that way for women? Hell no. How can fat men be happier? Don't they worry about looking good for women? Or beating out the competition for said women? Why aren't they worried, as women are, that they will not be desirable to the opposite sex?

Are women so desperate to get a man that our standards are significantly lower than men's? We will take a man, any man, whether they are heavy or not, healthy or not? What that means is that men do not have to deal with the pressure women have to deal with in terms of appealing to the opposite sex. They don't have to care about how they look because someone will want them. Especially if they get a paycheck and have a high sperm count.

Because believe me, and you heard it here first, fat women are not happier. They are hungry. And hungry women are bitchy. But how great would it be if we lived in some alternate universe where the men significantly outnumbered women and men were so desperate to find a woman that they would do anything to set themselves apart from the other men.

Picture two men, sweating away on a treadmill, over-analyzing every bite they took the day before, crying about how the scale is just not budging and if only they could get rid of those last five pounds, Anna in accounting would be a sure thing. Then picture them at lunch, skipping the Guacamole Burger with fries, instead choosing the garden salad with organic grilled chicken breast with the non-fat peppercorn ranch dressing. No beer, but diet ice tea with lemon. Yum.

Bachelor #1: "Do these shorts make my butt look fat?"

Bachelor #2: "Of course not! You can totally tell that you've lost weight!"

Bachelor #1: "You really think so? That is so sweet of you to notice. Think Anna will notice? I got these new pants for our date that are supposed to be slimming through the thighs, I hope they work. We are going out Saturday and I am not eating one more calorie till then!"

Bachelor #2: "Oh, she will totally notice. I got these new appetite suppressants, I will give you some to try; they are supposed to help you lose five pounds in three days! Let's do 30 more minutes of cardio; I had 2 brownie bites last night!"

The above is a small fantasy I have entertained for awhile now, usually when I am sweating away on the treadmill, looking around at all the other women doing the same thing. The best part of this little fantasy is when Bachelor #1 and Anna from accounting are on their date...

Anna: "I will have the Guacamole Burger, with extra cheese, the curly fries and a Guinness. I am starving!"

Bachelor #1: "I will have a side salad and a glass of water with lemon."

For Those of You That Want a Little Taste of the Bar...

Check out this truly horrifying account of one man's experience taking the February bar exam. From what I understand, he is a little bit older, like me and is an experienced paralegal. He was also a second time taker.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

http://february2007californiabarexaminat.blogspot.com/

Are You Kidding Me?!?!?

I have to wait till WEDNESDAY to get my benefits package. I guess I will have to reschedule some of those damn appointments. It's killing me!!

But seriously, I was so happy to get up and go to work today. I had my little coffee mug all ready to go!! I am now a functioning member of society!

I am trying not to think about the bar exam or being a lawyer.

I am happy with my cubicle. I have lots of natural light. Do I really need to be a lawyer? How sad when you realize after spending an unholy amount of money on law school and the bar exam, that you are really content being Dilbert in a cubicle.

Gotta go pick out my outfit for work tomorrow...got the whole, "it's my first day, so I gotta wear a suit" thing out of the way, now on to the cute clothes!

Pap Smear, Anyone??

You know you are old when the most exciting aspect of a new job is the benefits package. Of course, I am really just thrilled to be getting a regular paycheck, so when I go shopping, I can justify my purchases by saying, "Oh, it's okay..I got paid today!"

My first day at my new job is Monday. I can't wait for that fat packet of forms wherein I can pick my medical, dental, vision, 401K and flex plan benefits. Is there a company life insurance policy? Long term disability? Long term care? I feel fairly comfortable blaming my family for my obsession with insurance. Over half the people I am related to have careers in or about the insurance industry. I paid attention and now I am obsessed. I do have benefits now, through my husband, but they are expensive and besides, when you get new coverage you can just dive right in to all the things you have to wait for with your existing plan. Like Pap smears. First on my list!

With new benefits, there are certain things that I look for, for example, can I get new glasses? Do they cover LASIK surgery? (I really hate the marks that my glasses make on the bridge of my nose; it messes up my makeup, but I digress...) Is there chiropractic coverage? How much are the co-pays? Do they cover physical therapy, because if they do, and something hurts me, maybe they will cover massages? I am keeping hope alive on that one. Do they cover any plastic surgery procedures at all? Because, if it is covered, and it is cosmetic, I am getting it, regardless whether I need it or not. I just KNOW they are going to cover Botox one of these days. And last, but not least, I always, without fail, look to see if they cover gastric bypass surgery.

No, I am not that overweight, and no self-respecting, licensed doctor would perform the surgery on me. But still. I like to know that the option is available for me if I end up losing the battle with Rocky Road. It could happen and that is no joke. Plus, they are coming up with all these little variations on gastric bypass that are less invasive and for less overweight people. I will also look to see if they cover a weight-loss camp or resort, like on The Biggest Loser. I would love to be on that show, and in fact, I wanted to go to one of the auditions, but it was the week before the bar exam and I figured that was probably not a good use of my time in the final days before the bar exam.

And do not even get me started on prescription coverage. Did you know that you can go online with whatever health coverage you have and they will have a list of all medications that they cover? I LOVE IT!! Better living through chemistry. There might be something I need or want to go on, and I need to know if it is covered. Pills are good.

My husband should prepare himself, because if it works out that I end up covering him, I am going to drag him to all sorts of appointments too. New glasses, physical, cholesterol check, and whatever the male equivalent of a Pap smear is. At what age do you start with colonoscopies and mammograms?!?!?! Sign us up!

It is the same with dental coverage. I need to know if they cover Valium and/or laughing gas because if they don't, I will never go to the dentist again. I do not give a shit if all my teeth fall out my head. I will be a lawyer, so I can just buy new ones.

The fact that I am so focused on the benefits, yet failed to ask about the vacation plan or policy does not escape me. As long as I have doctors and pills, who needs vacation?!?!!?

12 Step Program for Paralegals.

Several of the bloggers I read that are in the same situation as myself have decided to pursue career opportunities outside of the legal field. Amen to that. I cannot speak for them, but let me just tell you how pissed off I was that I had to take that damn test again. And that I may have to take it yet again. The first time, I did everything I was supposed to do; I took Barbri, 2 PMBR courses, planned, organized, followed the Barbri schedule to a T, got a new computer so the old one wouldn't blow up during the exam, got everywhere early, etc., etc., etc. And I failed. I am bitter. The Bitter Blonde Blogger.

Consequently, I don't want to go anywhere near a law firm ever again. I do not want to be a lawyer or practice law or do anything hard that makes my head hurt and gives me stomach aches. Oh please, it's not like lawyers are happy people that stop and smell the roses. A lot of laywers I know are intense, mean, anger balls that are one alimony payment away from financial ruin and one Big Mac away from a heart attack. I mean, deciding NOT to work in the legal field after you have taken the bar twice, are mentally, spiritually and financially bankrupt, and generally want to stab the fuckwits that passed the first time, is not really that shocking is it?

But here is my problem. What else am I going to do? I am a paralegal. I am old. I have been doing this a long time. I can make a decent amount of money. There are a million things I would love to do, but those jobs will not pay the student loans I incurred to get my law degree.

I would love to work at a day spa, where everything smells nice and people whisper. I would love to work at the Coach store so I can get the discount. I would love to work at the MAC counter, except for that whole you-have-to-be-21-and-hot thing. I would love to work the front office at a plastic surgeon's office. FREE BOTOX!! Seriously, that is something worth pursuing right there. A lot of offices are open on Saturdays now, even if I do become a lawyer, I could do several hours on a Saturday morning to get that nice, expressionless look! All these jobs are fun and happy and the people are hot and you can play good music and go to Starbucks every half hour.

But alas, I am a paralegal. That is all I know how to do, so I am stuck. So, I think I am going to found PA, or Paralegals Anonymous. Hi. My Name is Blonde Blogger. And I am a Paralegal.

And.....I'm Back!

Thank God it's over! I have never been so relieved in my life. I have to say, with some degree of certainty, that I am never taking that test again. I am too old, and it will be too hard on my psyche to be an unemployed student again. Speaking of unemployed......

I had a job interview on Friday morning AFTER THE BAR, at 9:45 a.m. I am proud to say that I showed up in a suit looking all bright and shiny, ready to go. It went very well, I thought. I then headed out of town with my perfect husband and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Later that day, I got a message letting me know that my interview had, in fact, gone well, and that they are "putting together an offer." Given the negative downward spiral I was stuck in for the last two weeks, those are some of the sweetest words I have ever heard. Yippee!!

So, I am back, and I have so much to talk about! However, bar takers, I will not be discussing the substantive content of the bar exam here. There are plenty of sites that have excruciating post-mortems designed to defile and discourage you. This is not one of them. The bar exam sucked hard and its over.

Now I can get down to talking about the stuff I really want to talk about! Shoes, movies, ridiculous professional athletes, and of course, the antics of Britney, Lindsay, et al.

Bar Exam Review Class: $3,500.00
Dollars Spent at Starbucks Studying for the Bar: $117.62
Losing 15 lbs. while Studying for the Bar: PRICELESS