I "Assaulted" a Grandma today.

It seems I had a minor incident at the public library today.

It is literally one week before the bar exam, and I must say, I am kicking ass and taking names. I have had 4 days in a row where I have completed my daily schedule for that day. I am in "final review" and let's be clear, that is no small task. I find it amazing that I am able to stay on task with all the juicy current events going on. Anna Nicole! Tim Hardaway! BRITNEY SPEARS! I cannot type fast enough.

But, just like the Banshee incident I described in my post, Scarred for Life, another unfortunate individual has decided to test my mettle. Instead of a lunatic crumbsnatcher, it was a little old lady. Yes, a grandma, complete with blue helmet hair she hasn't washed in a week and Easy Spirit walking shoes.

So, Granny-gate went down like this. I was humming along, reviewing Constitutional Law, right on schedule, pleasantly surprised that I was not, in fact, freezing my ass off as I normally do in this godforsaken arctic circle I call a public library. I was in my normal spot, THE QUIET STUDY AREA, near the periodicals and far, far away from CrumbSnatcher Land, when I hear a cell phone ring. The ring tone was The Battle Hymn of the Republic. All righty then. Grandma answers her phone and carries on what appears to be a conversation with her daughter that makes two things crystal clear to me: 1) Grandma has newly acquired said cell phone and 2) Grandma is frighteningly hard of hearing.

Ok, but she is cute in her little purple sweat suit and Easy Spirits reading about Britney in US Weekly. How cute that she is actually able to see, let alone work properly, the key pad on a cell phone the size of a plum. I do yoga breaths and let it go.

Then it happens again. Apparently her son heard from her daughter that Grandma got a new cell phone.

And then it happens again. Another daughter. Mine eyes have NOT seen the glory of this particular situation.

Yoga breaths are no longer working for me and I have no readily available narcotics or depressants on me. Damn. (Note to self: must bring Vicodin to library.)

When child number four calls to chat with Grandma, I can feel it. Something inside me snaps and I decide to cut out the worthless middle man that is the library clerk and go directly to the source of my pain. As Grandma gets off the phone, I walk up to her and as I have previously been put on notice of her lack of auditory perception, I speak very closely and very slowly to her and tell her that this is a public library and that she is sitting perilously close to the QUIET STUDY AREA and that she needs to take that thing outside, turn her ringer off or put it on vibrate as some of us ARE TRYING TO STUDY!!!!!

I know, I know, this sounds harsh, but it was better than what I really wanted to say, which was, "Turn that thing off before I shove it up your ass!" That would be decidedly rude as well as bad karma, so I controlled myself.

Assault, according to the State of California, is intentionally placing a person in reasonable apprehension of an immediate harmful or offensive touching. So calm down, I didn't touch her or commit a battery, which would be an intentional harmful or offensive touching. I think I may have scared her because she looked at me with her lower lip quivering, and agreed to take the chit chat outside.

Since I have chosen this blog, a "public forum" so to speak, to defile both children and the elderly, I fear my political aspirations are a thing of the past. Tune in tomorrow for my post entitled, "I Hate Animals and Don't Recycle."