Barred for Life

It's About That Time Again....

2008-02-22T19:38:00.001-08:00

I want to wish all my fellow bar applicants the best of luck, and may the force be with you. I will be taking a little break after the bar to go on vacation to Spring Training. There will be no post-mortem going on here, as the one thing I have learned in this whole process is that post-mortems do nothing but drive me crazy.....and I don't need any more crazy here.

I am holding good thoughts for all of us...;-)

Go, Go, Now!!

2008-02-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

Go see Step Up 2: The Streets!!!

I love, love, love it!!!!

Lightning Really CAN Strike Twice!!

2008-02-11T23:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to me!! Step Up 2: The Streets starts on Thursday! Don't think I'm not going on Thursday - I will be the first one in line for the first show of the day.

Perfect Husband teaches on Thursday nights, so we are celebrating Heart Day, or as I like to call it, Socially Sanctioned Salacious Slut Day, on Friday. (Don't even get me started on those dumb ass hearts that have the cute little sayings on them...who do those actually work for? 13 year olds? Here's what mine would say, "Don't want my heart? Fuck off." "Got Chlamydia?" and my personal fave, "Yes, size does matter." If you are going to make me read candy, it had better damn well be chocolate....but I digress...) Anyhow, I have Thursday all to myself to study and work out and things until Perfect Husband comes home at about 10.

I am not going to be able to stay at home all day and study, knowing that my movie is here, so I am going to the first show to get it out of my system, so hopefully I will be productive after that. My boss would be so thrilled to know what I have planned for my day off on Thursday.

But I know that I will feel guilty about studying, so here are a few Con Law nuggets I will ponder while I am watching my movie. It takes place in a rough area of Maryland, so there is sure to be some sort of economic discrimmination, right? There is bound to be a Pretty Posse of dancers that can't afford to go to the big, artsy school that is going to get them a shot at the big time and deliver them from the ghetto. And what standard of scrutiny would a law that results in economic discrimmination have to meet? Rational basis test, where the plaintiff has to prove that the statute in question is rationally related to a legitimate government interest, right? Or are painfully pretty, yet marginally talented dancers a protected class? Since one never really knows about these things, in the event that the Pretty Posse is, in fact, a protected class, then the statute that is undoubtedly depriving said Pretty Posse of an education in the arts must survive strict scrutiny, wherein the state will have to show that the statute is necessary to achieve a compelling government interest. And since basically nothing will survive strict scrutiny, the Pretty Posse will be able to dance till their little feet fall off and everyone will live happily ever after.

Especially me!!!

I think I got Con Law covered, right?

Drink. Curse. Hate. Part III

2008-02-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

This sucks hard. I am so over it. Over. It. All. I hate this. I am over trying to decide if the defendant can be found guilty of larceny, burglary, embezzlement or false pretenses. I am over it because I really don't give a shit.

I had a nuclear meltdown the other night. I think Perfect Husband was a little afraid. I have no idea what possessed me to go to law school at the age of 30, back in 2002. I graduated in December 2005. It is now February 2008 and I am still not a lawyer. No one wants a paralegal with a law degree and you can't be a lawyer without a license. Rock. Hard spot. Welcome to my life.

People told me it would be an uphill battle to go to law school at night while working full time at a law firm. People told me that the fact that I was older, and had worked in the legal field for some time would work against me. I was stupid enough, or cocky enough, or arrogant enough, to believe that my intelligence and drive would be enough to overcome that. I distinctly remember saying to myself, I am smart, I will just work that much harder and overcome those obstacles. It is appalling how wrong I was. If I had known, back in 2002, that I would be here, now...I never would have done it. I would have gone to beauty school. I would have gone for a Masters. I would have tried to write a book. I would have done anything other than start a 6 year disaster that would result in financial ruin, shattered self esteem and a fat ass.

Plus, I seem to be averaging about 75% on the MBE's I have done so far. Jesus Christ. It sure would be nice if I could do that come February 27.

So, do you think people would read a novel, written my me, entitled Drink.Curse.Hate.?? I can see it now.....

"Drink.Curse.Hate - a tragically funny and touching story of a would-be lawyer and her quest to pass the bar, find the perfect reality TV show and fit into size 8 Gap jeans....the newest addition to the Oprah Book Club - a surefire bestseller ~ The New York Times"

On a brighter note......Lipstick Jungle totally rocks, and kicks Cashmere Mafia's ass.....

10 Things I Am Learning While Studying Today.

2008-01-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

10. My closet really needs to be cleaned out.

9. Do not ever buy a house and live on a golf course. You will likely become a hemophiliac to which the rest of the world owes a duty. Because, while sitting on a lounge chair on your porch, you will get hit in the head with an errant golf ball, a negligent ambulance driver will collide with something (most likely a bus full of small children) on the way to the hospital, where a doctor who is high on crack will leave a metal instrument inside you, causing permanent and irreversible brain damage, resulting in your severely diminished earning capacity as a nuclear physicist.

8. I am better at Torts than I am at Real Property.

7. One cup of coffee is not enough.

6. I would rather work than study.

5. Britney is doing much better in the hospital this time around.

4. I would rather work out than study.

3. The new black pants I got at Nordstrom are now too big around the waist. (See #4.)

2. One should always take advantage of one's right to remain silent; if you do not, you will inevitably voluntarily confess to a heinous crime.

1. I should have gone to beauty school.

Polyester Posse.

2008-01-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Blonde Blogger,

Thank you for your recent letter containing suggestions for improving one of our new shows, Cashmere Mafia. While we would like to address all of your concerns in our response, frankly, the list was so exhaustive, we are just going to touch on the ones you specifically marked "Urgent: Must Address Immediately!"

First, while we sympathize with you that the "other show" you love is no longer on the air, unfortunately, since the season has already started, we will not be able to change the character's names to Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

Second, to answer your rather pointed question, no, we do not have a problem portraying assistants/secretaries as competent or good looking. Zoey's former assistant is arguably competent, she just makes bad decisions in her personal life, which gleefully resulted in a well-deserved promotion. And Mia's secretary is not fat, she is big-boned. And I am sure, as the legal scholar you proclaim yourself to be, that you are well aware that assistants/secretaries are not, in fact, a protected class, and as such, are not entitled to Constitutional protection. Good luck on the bar exam, by the way.

Third, in an attempt to appeal to the "real sistah's" as you call them, which presumably is the demographic we prefer to call "everyday women," we will take into consideration your suggestion that not every restaurant that the ladies frequent be a white linen, four-star establishment. Yes, there is a Baja Fresh location in Manhattan and we will make every effort to make our characters "real peeps."

Finally, NO, we blatantly refuse to change the name of the show to Polyester Posse. While we promise to work on Caitlin's intermittent Bronx accent, she is not "ghetto," nor are her clothes made of polyester.

We certainly hope we have put some of your concerns to rest and that you will continue to be an avid viewer of Cashmere Mafia. We are not currently looking for a legal consultant and please know that, going forward, any attempts to contact our legal department or enter the building in any manner, will be considered trespassing and we will avail ourselves of all legal remedies.

Thank you,

The People Who Bring You Cashmere Mafia.

I am Going to Wow You with My Legal Prowess...

2008-01-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

Just FYI.....

Testimony given in court by a parrot (that can presumably speak) in court is not admissible.

However....

Behavior by a trained dog (such as a service, drug or cadaver dog) is admissible.

My advice?

Pick your pets wisely.

Just a little nugget to take with you and put in the ol' vault for future use.

Top Ten Reasons Today Sucks.

2008-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

10. It's a holiday and I have to work.

9. It is raining.

8. It is cold outside.

7. I feel guilty that I didn't study for the bar this weekend.

6. My boss is IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

5. It is really cold outside.

4. I am so far behind at work, I wish I had never asked for time off.

3. I wore a skirt to work; see #5.

2. I don't want to study tomorrow. (But I will.)

1. Perfect Husband is at home on the couch...without me.

Don't Cha Wish Your Husband Was Hot Like Mine?

2008-01-17T14:33:00.000-08:00

So, in a stunning display of memory retention, focus and consideration, Perfect Husband gifted me with several items that I really, really wanted for Christmas. The first is this really warm and fuzzy blanket that I wanted for our bed from Target. This was especially considerate seeing as how we now have 4 blankets on the bed, in addition to the sheet and the comforter. I am constantly cold and cannot stand to be cold at night, and apparently my husband just deals with it, like the trooper he is.

But the really fun and special gift was dance lessons at a really cute little dance studio near our house. Last night was the first lesson and we decided to learn East Coast Swing. This is the really easy, Playskool version of swing; it’s not like he is gonna be throwing me all around; after all, I am not trying to paralyze the man.

Our instructor was a really nice lady who had clearly been a dance instructor forever. She knew just what to say and how to describe what you need to do. She had a cute outfit on with cute dance shoes. I, myself, was looking pretty fly with a new outfit, my shiny new Mary Janes, and curly hair with a flower behind my ear (in the event we chose a Latin dance.) Perfect Husband was hot in his snappy little outfit as well.

However, while Perfect Husband was congenial and friendly to the instructor, for most of the lesson he looked like Dead Man Walking. He was so serious and so determined to do well, he was either looking at his feet or at the ceiling, in an effort to go down the list of steps and hand movements he had made in his head. I kept smiling at him and laughing just so he would know that we were here to have fun and learn something together and that there would be no test at the end of the evening. I think I saw smoke wafting from his ears, he was concentrating so hard. And believe you me, this is all brought on himself. Its not like I am some control freak that’s gonna go all bunny-boiler on him if he messes up and causes Bruno and Carrie Ann to give us 5’s. It’s all good. I am only a control freak about my own shit. I felt bad for him and was trying to let him know how well he was doing. Until he says:

“You know, the music is really distracting; it is much easier to dance without the music.”

Interesting theory, Chief, seeing as how most of us usually like to dance WHEN THERE IS MUSIC PLAYING.

I think I’m gonna get him drunk next time.

I Should Run For Office.

2008-01-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone in the Frickin' Universe,

If you are waiting for an elevator, when it arrives, kindly step away from the doors AND WAIT TILL THE PEOPLE ON SAID ELEVATOR GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU TRY AND GET IN!!!

I cannot even tell you how blatantly bitchy I have been when this happens to me. I stop, wait, let the people get on, sigh dramatically, press the "door open" button and hold everyone's shit up until I can walk out of the elevator without having to fight my way through the crowd like Britney going to Starbucks.

This is my number one pet peeve in the entire universe. Perfect Husband cringes every time this happens when we are together because he knows I am about to make a scene and possibly expose him, as well as myself, to physical assault.

Parents, forget about "please" and "thank you" and remembering to place a napkin on your lap. Teach your peeps the proper elevator etiquette. It just might save their life. Plus, that will be one less person for me to talk shit about.

Love,

Blonde Blogger

Bow Wow Wow Yippe Yo Yippee Yay.

2008-01-13T19:15:00.000-08:00

So, my lovely in-laws gave me a gift card to Nordstrom for Christmas. They totally rock. I was thinking a little retail therapy was in order this past weekend. I tried to accomplish this Saturday, seeing as how I was in desperate need of some 4 inch, patent leather Mary Janes at Nordstrom, but alas, Perfect Husband and Perfect Offspring #1 and #2 are not the shoppers I am. For them, it's all about picking out a t-shirt at Hot Topic, buying it, getting a smoothie and heading home. The Offspring especially do not understand how I can look at 5 apparently identical pairs of black pants and not like or buy any of them. Offspring #2, in all her 11 years of infinite wisdom, tells me that leggings are much more comfortable than black slacks. Yes, Poodle, I am sure they are... HOWEVER, my ass has not been in a pair of leggings since the 80's, thank GOD, and I see no reason to promulgate a resurgence of what is likely the most offensive assault on one's senses since babydoll dresses.

Anyhow, after Saturday's debacle at the mall with Perfect Husband (who is under the impression he is an excellent shopping partner, but woefully, is A Trailer...one that trails about 10 paces behind me holding 5 pairs of black pants and pretending to be interested, all the while asking, "Can we go get a drink?" or "Aren't you hungry?") I decide that effective immediately, all retail therapy shall be enjoyed alone, completely bereft of individuals trying to talk me into the Vans with pink penguins on them instead of the 4 inch, patent leather Mary Janes.

With the Offspring and Perfect Husband safely ensconced on the couch with several Tivo'd episodes of Without A Trace, I was off to Nordstrom for some therapy. I went to the Walnut Creek Nordstrom, which is its own kind of special. It draws the crowds from Orinda and Lafayette as well as Alamo and Danville, several upscale areas in Northern California. While these areas are very nice, and have beautiful homes, it is my contention that the more expensive house you buy, the less common sense you are likely to employ in your everyday activities. Maybe I feel that way, because I myself, do not live in a house the size of an airplane hangar.

So, there I am in the shoe department.....the heavens opened up and the angels sang and I was walking around peepin' out how cute the beautiful patent leather Mary Janes look on me, when out of the corner of my eye, I see what appears to be a Rottweiler get up and walk toward me...WTF?!?!?!? WAS THAT JUST A LARGE, BLACK, CARNIVOROUS DOG WALKING TOWARDS ME IN THE SACROSANCT NORDSTROM SHOE DEPARTMENT?!?!?! I almost fell over in my Mary Janes. The owner of said monster looks at me apologetically and says, "Oh, don't worry, she is totally friendly."

Note: While I abhor people like Michael Vick and other animal abusers, I myself am not much of an animal person. I grew up with a plethora of cats and dogs, yet never felt the love. The rest of my family, as well as my in-laws, are the type that hold birthday parties for their pets. When I die, I want to come back as a dog owned by my sister-in-law. Those inmates are running the asylum, fo' sho'.

Another note: Perfect Husband and I often lament the conspicuous lack of leashes or anything else canine in our home, much like we lament the lack of a Peg Perego stroller, as these are the two most likely reasons we will be kicked out of our crazy, SUV lovin' suburb. I keep checking the city council website to ensure "Motion to Evict Blonde Blogger and Perfect Husband For Non-Conformity" doesn't show up on the agenda.

But I digress...

As I quickly retreated back to my chair to avoid the ravenous Rottweiler, I searched frantically for the green jacket. Surely, this animal is a service dog. It must be. But no, there was no green jacket. After she tells me not to be afraid, that she is friendly, and noting the absence of a green jacket I ask, "What is she doing at Nordstrom???" She laughs and says, "Shopping."

Hold the phone, Batman. Now, I am all about the cute little purse dogs walking around on the MAC counter as I sample Viva Glam IV and the newest Paint Pot. But seriously?!?!?! Was there some sort of discrimination action against large department stores that allowed pocket dogs but not their plus-sized counterparts?? WHY is there a BIG ASS DOG in the shoe department?? There is no ascertainable reason for this large, large, large dog to be lounging about in the shoe department. Especially in Walnut Creek. This is the place where housewives wearing $195 Tod's loafers and carrying Brighton bags feed their offspring, likely named "Poet" or "Harlow," homemade, organic babyfood from a Tiffany's spoon in the shoe department, so what did I expect? I buy the beautiful Mary Janes and head upstairs to buy a pair of black pants. (En route, I swing by the MAC counter and drop $100, but that is a whole 'nother post.....)

I find 5 pairs of identical black pants to try on and as I head to the dressing room, I swear to GOD, a woman walks by WITH A BEAGLE. A beagle. Like Snoopy. On a leash, in the Point of View department, on the second floor, at Nordstrom in Walnut Creek. Do I need to get a rabies shot in order to shop at Nordstrom now?!?!?! Is this National Bring Your Big Ass Dog to Nordstrom Day and I didn't get the memo???

I should have gone to Hot Topic.

Bar Exam Resources and Links.

2008-01-13T17:24:00.000-08:00

Ironically, I used Strategies and Tactics for MBE study both times. I totally heart it, not that it helped me all that much, obviously. I bought a copy this time around as well. I also bought a book called Mastering the Multistate Bar Exam. I have downloaded the MBE Annotated Preview 2006 for $26.00, and will probably do that over and over and over again. I still have the red and blue PMBR books and if I feel I need it, I may downloand Adaptibar, although I don't know too much about it. People seem to be really positive about it. I have downloaded and printed all resources on the California Bar website and I still have the Conviser outlines from Barbri and outlines of the new materials that a friend gave me.

Like The Grand Poobah, I was also offered a free account on BarEssays in exchange for a mention on this blog. I have been on there several times, and I must say, I like it. You can search by subject, by bar examination year, by score, and by format (meaning handwritten or typed). For example, if you want to look at Criminal Procedure essays and answers that scored over 65 from the July 2007 examination, you can get them, and compare them to ones that score below 57.5. That is a really useful tool, to be able to compare passing and failing answers on the same essay and I have yet to see this type of comparison offered anywhere else. For handwriters, it might be interesting to compare what constitutes a passing essay to what constitutes a passing typed essay because I bet they look very different. For those of us brilliant individuals who have inexplicably not passed the bar exam, the site offers $50-$65 for a set of essays from the bar exam. This site is a huge collection of essays and answers, and what better to learn from than what the graders actually looked at? I like that the question and the answer links are right next to each other - makes for easy printing.

The price for this site is $75 and the subscription will expire at the conclusion of the next bar examination. This is a lot of bang for your buck. For some reason, I never really had any faith in the answers that Barbri provided; you never knew whether that person passed or not, or what score they received on that particular essay. Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't know of any other site or book where you can review a question as well as its passing answer and know the score that the examiners gave. When I think of the thousands of dollars I have spent in the past on materials that essentially proved useless to me, I wish this site had been around awhile ago. It's worth checking out.

www.baressays.com

Drink.Curse.Hate - Part II

2008-01-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

So, after several painfully embarrassing conversations and meetings with both of my supervising attorneys, as well as their boss, the EVP and GC of the company, they have decided to let me have the time off that I requested so I can study for the bar exam. I am flummoxed as to why they put me through the paces; I felt compelled to stand up for myself and push back on some of the requests they made of me in return. For instance, in exchange for granting me the the time off to study, they wanted to "see how it goes" in terms of granting me the vacation time for the Spring Training vacation I had planned for March for the Perfect Husband. In response, I told them that no, I would rather not take any time off to study for the bar; it was not acceptable to me to cancel my March vacation, but thanks anyways. I told them that it has been a long time since I graduated law school and I have spent an obscene amount of time and money on the bar and I was certainly not going to let it affect my life to that degree anymore. So, at the end of the day, they agreed that I can have the time off to study, as well as the time off for the vacation in March with my husband.

So, the plan is that I will have Tuesdays and Thursdays off between now and the bar and the three days off for the bar. I will study all day Tuesdays and Thursdays and one day on the weekend. I know some may think this is not enough, but I have to work, at least a little bit. The last time I failed the bar, I was 12 points short; largely due to the MBE's. Accordingly, I will be concetrating primarily on the MBE's, spending two days a week on them and the other day on essays and writing. I am going to spend very little time, if any, on substantive review. Of course, I will review the subject matter outlines that I wrote for the past bar exams, so that random things, like the rule against perpetuities, will be refreshed. I deal with a wide range of issues and areas of law at work, and am hoping that will help me. I also think it's useful that I do real, honest to goodness, substantive writing everyday at work.

So, that's about it. I also have a completely different attitude this time around. I am going to pass. I have paid my dues and it is my turn. I used to think that I might have deserved to fail because of bad things I did or said to people in the past, or bad decisions I made for my family when all the family drama began. The failures were like paying back karma; the karma train was coming back around to get me. Well, the karma train has been back around to run me over more than once and I am done. DONE.

I have had some health issues recently and those seem to be under control now, and my concentration, energy and determination are better than ever. I have no guilt about putting my family drama on hold until at least March and I have no guilt about taking time off from work, even if part of it is unpaid. It is all about me. Me and my BFF, the bar exam. And I am so going to kick her ass.

What'sa Goin' On?!?!?!

2008-01-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

Season 2: Rock of Love with Bret Michaels!!!

I can HARDLY WAIT!!! Here I was, all excited to blog about Cashmere Mafia, Lipstick Jungle (Candace Bushnell at her best...coming in February!), The Biggest Loser and The Gauntlet III (I am literally shaking, I am so excited about The Gauntlet....CT, Diem and all the crazies are back! Seriously, aren't some of them getting to be too old for this shit? They have to be hittin' 30 sometime soon...) when I find out about Season 2 of ROL!!! It must be a late Christmas gift...and I must have been a very, very good girl!

But here is the best part.....ya know who sent me the link? And was thrilled BEYOND BELIEF to be the one to break the good news to me??

Oh. Yes. The Perfect Husband. His transformation is complete.

Where For Art Thou, Britney?

2008-01-04T10:46:00.001-08:00

Well, apparently, she has gone 5150. On a 72 hour lockdown after an extended "showdown" during which she refused to hand over the crumbsnatchers to America's favorite loser, K-Fed. On the parental-fitness scale, though, K-Fed is right up there with Ward Cleaver, compared to Britney, who is knocking herself out channeling Courtney Love.

Look at what a little hottie she used to be. I bet Justin is nekkid somewhere with Jessica Biel, doing a happy dance that Brit kicked his ass to the curb. She appears to be on some sort of sartorial mission to self-implode on the world stage, and Jamie-Lynn seems buckled in for the ride. Maybe I should send Mama Spears an advanced copy of Drink. Curse. Hate. Because if those two fiery train wrecks were my daughters, I would either take up permanent residence in a fantastic place called Denial, or I would maintain a constant state of inebriation.

Seriously, though, I have spent the better part of the last hour reading up on said train wrecks.

WTF????

Drink. Curse. Hate.

2008-01-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

This is the title of the much-awaited sequel to the best seller Eat, Pray, Love. Frankly, I think this little gem is one of my best. Just kidding, I don't know how much of a market there is for daily diatribes chronicling my self-hatred and loathing, courtesy of the California State Bar Examiners.

So, while I could go on and on about the plethora of good “bad” TV that is kickin’ off the new year, I am just going to give you a short list of what I am sure will be the highlights of my 2008:

2008: The Year of the Blonde Blogger!

I am going to pass the February bar exam.

I am going to be promoted to in-house counsel for my current company and totally rock a corner office and free blackberry.

I am going to lose the last of the weight I am carrying around from my first fucking bar exam.

I am going to take my Perfect Husband on the most decadent vacation EVER, to thank him for enduring what is surely a surly suckfest, starring Yours Truly, for the last two years.

I am going to start living the life I deserve.

Happy New Year’s to everyone…..let the games begin!!

I Raise My Glass....

2007-11-20T03:16:00.000-08:00

To the friends of mine that were not successful on the July 2007 California bar exam. I read somewhere that the only people who don't pass the bar are the ones who stop taking it. All of you unequivocally deserve to pass the bar and I know you will. Keep going in your quest to slay the dragon and you will be successful!!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving......Vegas, here I come!!

Introducing.....

2007-10-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

A new blog written by a dear friend of mine:

Sins In Suburbia

If you are a working mother, a wife, or just a woman who likes to read about the crazy things that crumbsnatchers do, check it out.....she rocks!

Not to Toot My Own Horn....

2007-10-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

But I am the best wife EVER! I booked our yearly vacation today for next year and guess where me and Perfect Husband are going? San Francisco Giants Spring Training in Scottsdale, AZ. Ding, Ding, Ding, I scored mucho bonus points for that one!!! I tabled all my plans for Fiji, Italy, Spain and Greece. To go to Arizona. Just for my husband. I figured for a winter vacation, Arizona is better than New York, which is where Cooperstown is. And while Perfect Husband, is in fact, perfect, I really don't see a need for more than one baseball-related vacay. I am thinking there is a sparkly trinket in my future.....;-)

In other news, Southern California is aglow with wildfires raging out of control. For my So Cal readers, I hope all is good with you and yours. I find it hard to believe however, that People.com could not come up with a better story than this: Wildfires Threaten Tori and Dean's B&B. Seriously, do we care that one of Tori and Dean's multiple dwellings may or may not go up in flames? Not so much. And apparently neither to they, since they were interviewed at Monday's taping of Dancing with The Stars. Rather ironic, don't you think, for the two home wreckers to have a home that ends up being wrecked????

Words to Live By......

2007-10-15T10:29:00.001-07:00

"It's better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6."

~From "We Own The Night"

Kind of a more cerebral way of saying it's better to kill than be killed. I cannot WAIT to use this in every day life.....since I am not a mafioso drug dealer or a cop, I may have to wait awhile, but damn, it's gonna be good when I can throw that one down.....

Alternate Career Choice #4

2007-10-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I love reality television. In fact, all my friends make fun of me for it. I find it interesting that while my friends roll their eyes at me, laugh and say that reality TV is “trash,” they know exactly who and what I am talking about. Admitting it is half the battle, peeps, who do you think you are kidding?

Since Rock of Love has crumbled into a sad little pile of pole-dancing pebbles, I cannot wait for Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A little peek into the life of Kim Kardashian and her peeps. I love Kim Kardashian. I want to be her when I grow up. First, she is smokin’ hot. Second, she seems to be flitting about the world, wearing hot clothes, dating the hot boys and drinking with Paris, Lindsay and Nicole. Such fun; our K-Dash is clearly not the kind of girl that got into a fight with a cartridge of copier toner today. (Note: I did not win.) And really, who doesn’t love a girl who clearly had a hair and makeup team on hand prior to shooting her “accidentally” released sex tape with rapper Ray J? I say, if you are gonna make a sex tape, make it right! Pam and Tommy coulda learned a thing or two from Kim.

So, I googled Kim Kardashian today; http://www.officialkimkardashian.com/. While I love her site because it is a delish shade of pink and has lots of cute pics of tiaras and it plays cute little tunes, I was a little disturbed at some of the information I learned while frolicking about in KimLand:

1. Her production company is Kimsaprincess Productions, LLC. Her father, deceased O.J lawyer Robert Kardashian is rolling over in his grave.

2. Her stepfather is Bruce Jenner. Didn’t she date Brody Jenner? Eeeuueew.

3. Kim is today’s “it” choice for Hollywood closet makeovers. I don’t even know what that means.

4. She has a work out video entitled “Exercise Fit for Princess.” What I love, love, love about this is that it comes with Workout Cards. Workout Cards. WTF? Are these necessary? Will you get a better workout while staring at a cute pink card with Kim’s pic on it? I think maybe they are less “Workout Card” and more “Cards Men Will Buy for Self-Love That Are Easier to Hide Than Playboy.”

A little disturbing to learn that someone who did not, as far I can tell, go to college or achieve any higher level of education, has had no less than five successful careers by the ripe old age of 28.

So, I have decided that Alternate Career Choice #4 is going to be Closet Makeoverist. Seems to veer dangerously close to Person Hired to Clean out My Closet, but nonetheless, a career that does not require a license to practice law.

Some Advice For all You New Lawyers....

2007-10-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

So, several states have released their bar exam results already and several bloggers that I read have passed and are now on their way to a long, personally fulfilling and intellectually rewarding career as a lawyer. Here is one teensy piece of advice I am gonna throw out there for ya, one that seems to have escaped the individuals (read: lawyers) that I interact with on a daily basis at work. Here it is:

Just because law school has NOTHING to do with common sense, the practice of law is MEANINGLESS without it, and unless you employ a substantial modicum of common sense on a daily basis, the paralegals that work for you and with you, will believe in their heart of hearts that they can do a better job than you and that they should be runnin' the show.

I'm just sayin'.

So, in addition to the pearl of wisdom above, here are a couple of other things to take with ya and put in your shiny new briefcase as you head off to LawyerLand (a place which I have yet to travel to...)

1. The efficient and organized way to do something is better than the long and laborious way.

2. Precision and clarity are imperative when imparting direction to underlings. Ambiguous direction will allow your paralegal to do it her way.

3. Don't interrupt. Speak in complete sentences. Say what you mean and mean what you say. My crystal ball is in the shop and paralegals are notoriously bad at mind reading.

4. Do not expect responses to emails and/or meeting requests sent at 10:00 pm. Not gonna happen.

5. Don't schedule meetings at 7:00 am. Similarly, don't schedule them at 7:00 pm. If you insist on having meetings at these times, there better be some kick ass food/drinks/snacks. If the snacks are substandard, you can expect little or no participation.

So, I am sure you can see what issues lie before me at work. These are the impressive, weighty and complex issues that us legal scholars tackle on a daily basis while protecting the Constitution....

Whoriffic Heather!!!

2007-10-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Go Colorado!!

2007-10-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

Congrats to my cyber-friends in Colorado that passed!!

Just Like a Virus......I'm Back!!

2007-10-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

It is with great glee that I say, “I am back!” I have missed blogging, and I am sure my loyal legion of readers (made up largely of people I am related to) have missed me too. Ha!

So, I took a little vacay from blogging because of some family drama I had to deal with, some work drama I had to deal with, and it was my last hurrah as a bridesmaid; I wanted to do it right. But really, what has taken up all of my time since I blogged last is Rock Of Love on VH1 starring (a term used loosely) Bret Michaels. From Poison. Yes, 80’s hair band, Poison. Yes, he is still alive. Barely.

I am so glad that show is over, I can’t even tell you. Me and my peeps at work text each other during the show on Sundays and then discuss it over coffee on Monday mornings. Sad, but true. I have read all the MySpace pages, websites, blogs, etc., that each one of the ROL girls has. Shockingly, their resumes have gone from “exotic dancer” and “escort” to “television personality” and “actress.” I LOVE it because just like with Sunset Tan (did the Olly girls really get fired???), it puts a nice perspective on the practice of law and the bar exam. Really, what is the BFD? No one else is concerned that if they don’t pass the California bar exam they will forever be labeled a loser. Believe you me, peeps, Heather with the 80’s porn hair is not crying a river over what to do with her (questionable) college degree. Magdalena the 10-foot tall tranny is not considering whether or not to take the bar again, or remain a paralegal. Jes the Boobless Wonder is all about makeup and hair, and really, is that a bad way to go? I think not. ROL has made me take myself WAY less seriously. Plus, I am considering some pink streaks in my hair.

(Note: Both of the Offspring LOVE this show. I know, I know, I have been dodging Child Protective Services for weeks.)

And DO NOT even get me started on Britney!!!!

I Was Very, Very Afraid...

2007-08-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

To read all the posts on my favorite blogs regarding the bar exam held in the last week of July. It made me nauseous. I read with one eye closed and tried to skip over the parts that actually discussed what was on the exam. What made me sad was reading posts from people whose blogs I read on a regular basis wherein they had convinced themselves they had failed the bar exam again. People that I consider intelligent, articulate, and funny were sure that they had failed; and now they have to wait till November for results. I wish that there was something I could say that would make them not feel that way or that would make the negative self-doubt dissipate. People tried to do that with me when I failed the second time and I wanted to gouge their eyes out. So, I am not even going to try.

I will say that getting a little perspective has helped me. Getting out into the world and considering other things. Making time for things that matter and making law school and the bar exam matter less. It is very easy to get tunnel vision while in law school and studying for the bar. The farther I get from law school and the bar exam the more I realize that not everyone thinks it is such a great idea to be a lawyer. Surely they jest! I can’t blog about work, and believe me, I would LOVE to, but I have learned at work that the life skills you need to be a successful attorney are not taught in law school. I always tell Perfect Husband about my daily hilarious interactions with various individuals that I work with and most often I am saying, “This has nothing to do with the law! It has to do with common sense!” Should I actually have to point out to people (me, with no license to practice law) the common sense people should employ to deal with certain legal issues? Should I really have to point out to someone which side is the actual side of caution on which to err??? I must say, it makes my job very enjoyable. It makes me feel like I have something to offer, some perspective that can make a difference in the way my company is run and the way we deal with legal issues that arise. I know where the forest and the trees are and I didn’t learn that in law school, that’s for damn sure.

So, fellow bloggers, be strong and be positive…I am pulling for you and I KNOW that every one of you did better than you think you did. Plus, let’s think about it…..who wants to be a lawyer anyways?? I had an experienced lawyer today, from a top 25 law school no less, yell “We will see you in court!” (after settlement discussions had clearly lapsed) and hang up on me. Please, peeps, what is that?? Law and Order? Who says that? Not any self-respecting lawyer I know, that’s for sure. Plus, I always love to use the line from Erin Brockovich when people ask me “Are you a lawyer?” I make a face like I just sucked on a lemon and say, “Oh hell no, I just work for them.” See, if I was a lawyer, I couldn’t say that…..

Go Forth and Prosper!

2007-07-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

So, this week I will be out of town with Perfect Husband and the Offspring. I will be back bloggin' on Monday, August 30.

I want to take a minute and wish all of my bar applicant blogger friends THE BEST OF LUCK THIS WEEK!! The July bar exam starts Tuesday. Ugh, I just threw up a little in my mouth. This one is a biggie, with 3 new subjects added to the already insurmountable list of fun subjects tested.

There is no doubt in my mind that every one of you can, and will, pass this exam and go on to use your new superpowers for good and not evil. I can't wait to hear what was on the test and what your thoughts are.....GOOD LUCK, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, NAMASTE, AND MAZELTOV TO ALL OF YOU!!

Slow and Steady Wins the Race.

2007-07-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Not really. I didn't win the race. In fact, it may be something of an overstatement to even call it a race. For what I did, perhaps a more accurate term is crawl. So, slow and steady finishes the crawl. That's hot. Not.

But seriously, the half marathon I was training for took place yesterday. And I finished!! And that was really my only goal; I wanted to finish and I wanted to finish in under 3 hours. I whizzed past the finish line in 2:47. Yep, that's 2 hours and 47 minutes. I quite possibly might have been able to walk it in the same amount of time. However, in my own defense, I was good up until about mile 10, when my feet, legs and hips went on strike. The last 3 miles or so is what really cost me some time.

While I was training, I was so concerned with my endurance level, cardio, hydration, etc., that I cut back on the weight and interval training I was doing for my lower body. Note to self: bad idea; don't do this next time. Consequently, at about mile 10, I felt good energy/cardio/hydration-wise, but like I said, my lower body was committing mutiny. I could hear my quads saying, "You need to sit your ass down and eat a muffin." And from my feet, "Oh HELL no, bitch!!" And let me tell you, my hips don't lie: "Stop the madness sister, no one is chasing you!"

I will say the course had WAY more hills than I had anticipated. This could be one reason for the attitude from my lower body. And the attitude just keeps on coming, since today I am limping around much like someone who has recently contracted polio or some other debilitating disease that renders your legs non-functional.

I have two words for some of the women joining me in this half marathon: Sports Bra. You better batten those girls down if you don't want them hitting your knees in the next couple of years. Seriously, this is no joke. It was painful to watch.

However, not as painful as watching some of the men bust out of the gate at breakneck speed, only to be passed by the glacier-like Blonde Blogger, as they ran out of gas 6 miles into it. I was shocked at how fast a lot of the men started the race. And these men looked like your average everyday Joe Sixpack; what were they thinking? Even I know better than that...I mean, you take one look at some of these people and you know they are runners and that they have done this a million times and that they might actually be trying to win this thing. But Joe Sixpack over there, sprinting through miles 1, 2, and 3 is a different story. WTF??

A couple shout-outs (OMG, that is SO eighties!):

Crazy Running Friend: Even though you have made it painfully obvious that you attribute your post-race soreness to me, because I made you run so slow, I appreciate the fact that you did this with me. Thank you.

Sister In Law: I don't know what you were smoking when you told me that, "It's a mind game...if you can run 10 miles, you can run 13.1. Just relax and enjoy the scenery." Thank you for the cute martini glass socks and I love you in spite of your apparent insanity; it was not so much a mind game as a foot/leg/hip game. That I lost.

Dad: Thank you for remembering and calling to wish me good luck.

Offspring #2: When I told you that I finished the race in 2 hours and 47 minutes, a really slow time, you looked at me and asked, "Why do you need to go any faster than that?" Precisely. Thank you for reminding me that the whole point was just to finish. This is the same child that asked me why I would want to take a test that no one can pass.

Perfect Husband: Thank you for thinking I look hot in running shorts and calling me an "athlete."

To all my Other Friends That Were Interested and Supportive: Thank you so much for all the emails and text messages and voicemails. It felt good to have a distraction from the misery of the bar exam and the fact that none of you laughed out loud when I told you I was going to do this tells me that I have chosen the right people to be my friends. It is greatly appreciated.

I signed up for another half marathon in October.....all you skinny bitches blowing past me with your fancy running gear are going to....Eat. My. Dust.

Something to Look Forward Too.....

2007-07-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

OMG. Today, the heavens opened up and the angels sang. Sex and The City Movie A Big Deal. Yes, the girls will be back for a movie. Amen! I have been waiting for years.

Oh, and here are my two new favorite tanning salesgals.......Holly and Molly, better known as The Olly Girls.

And Warmer......

2007-07-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!! I actually made it to the gym on a holiday. Gotta say, I was a little bit impressed with myself until Perfect Husband and I got to the gym and evidently, the entire free world had the same idea. Annoying.

I have been working out and running consistently for a while now...the race is a week from this Sunday. Crazy Running Friend and I may do another one in October. I joined a women's soccer league that starts next Tuesday. I am on a roll and determined to stick with it ~ my Quest for Total Hotness lives on!

I am down a couple more pounds this week and am starting to feel like my old self, just a little bit, back before law school and the two bar exams broke my spirit and turned me into the Princess of Darkness and Anger.

But anyhoo, Perfect Husband and I got home from the gym and I proceeded to lay on the couch for the next 2 hours and watch a new show on E called Sunset Tan. Has anyone see this show?? It is about a group of ridiculously good looking and self absorbed individuals running a chain of tanning salons called Sunset Tan. Much to my husband's utter horror and disbelief, I was riveted and promptly proclaimed it my New Favorite Show, and here's why: there are a couple of hot little Britney clones named Holly and Molly that call themselves The Olly Girls..."You just take off the M and the H!" You can't make this shit up!!

Anyone who has failed the bar needs to watch this show immediately as you will instantly realize, as I did, that we are taking life way too seriously. As I was laughing my ass off watching this vapid boob-fest, (Jose Canseco's ex-wife #2 has one of the Tanning Goddesses come to her house to hose her down with the tanning spray...now that one's a mental giant, all right, but hey, what do I know? She is now engaged to a plastic surgeon) all I could think was, here I am crying over the bar exam and how I am going to be stuck being a paralegal for the rest of my life, blah, blah, blah, I will never be a lawyer, boo hoo, and all these hot people are fighting each other to airbrush Paris??? The cat fights and drama over who gets to open the Vegas Sunset Tan (at The Palms, of course...apparently George Maloof has some sort of agreement with all TV channels everywhere that he must appear on every reality show there is...) was of such epic proportions that I couldn't help thinking that I have veered tragically far from reality and an even keeled perspective on the world ~ why am I so obsessed with passing this test? No one else wants to be a lawyer!! They all want to own their own businesses and look good!!! It's all about gettin' ahead in L.A. What am I doing here? If I were to have a conversation with one of the Olly girls, I could imagine them asking me why the hell I went to law school. I could picture one of them saying, "Omigod, that is totally too much work!! And SO not fun! Want to get a Mystic?"

Maybe the world would be a better place if people were less litigious and had a better tan. I think I am going to throw my hat in the ring to be manager of the new Vegas Sunset Tan.

Thank you.

2007-07-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

Blawgin’ recently posted about how she created her blog to relieve stress and vent, as well as to think out loud and memorialize her musings; and to elicit feedback on certain issues pertaining to life, the law or the bar exam. I could not agree more.

I have a great circle of friends. Friends from every job I have ever had as an adult, friends from law school, college, high school and even grade school. I am very lucky and put a substantial amount of effort into maintaining those relationships. However, I am finding that I no longer want to discuss the bar exam or law school, or whether or not I will ever be a lawyer with my friends. My law school friends are right there with me and they don’t want to talk about it either. My friends that I have made in the work place are all in the legal industry; they are sympathetic and know the overwhelming magnitude of anger, despair, and frustration I have with the process. They are embarrassed for me, and with me. Some have been through it themselves and others have watched people similarly situated go through it.

From other friends, sometimes I get the feeling that they are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just study harder?” “Why can’t she pass?” and “Maybe she’s not as smart as I think she is.” They don’t understand the process and the mind games the bar plays with you. And perhaps more significantly, I don’t think that they believe that one’s ability to pass the bar is in no way related one’s ability to practice law.

My family too, does the best they can to support me. Most of my family has a lot of other things going on, thank god, and I avoid bringing it up; in fact, I wish everyone could just forget that I even went to law school.

Which is why this blog, and the other blogs that I read, have become invaluable to me in terms of dealing the bar exam(s) as well as the aftermath of failing twice. I can obsess about it privately. I can read and read and read about it all I want and no one will know. I do not have to appear pathetic or angry or that I am unable to move on to anyone, especially my husband.

I find it comforting that others are dealing with the same issues I am. I take solace in knowing that some who are going through this are the same age as me, some older. I am relieved to find I am not the only one who gained weight during bar review, not the only one who didn’t wear makeup for days on end, and not the only one who had a nuclear meltdown because Starbucks was out of pumpkin scones. I am also not the only one who wanted to set fire to their law school diploma. And it appears everyone I know online knows some vapid troglodyte that passed the bar exam. Everyone has their own Jackass.

Knowing these things has given me great comfort and for those of you whose blogs I read and who read mine, know that I appreciate your thoughts and rants and diatribes and hope you will continue, until all of us can put this bar exam issue to bed.

Getting Warmer.....

2007-06-27T11:56:00.001-07:00

Training for the run – check.

Eating right and exercising – check.

Taking vitamins and getting enough sleep – check.

Mentally reconciling failing the bar twice – not so much.

But as of today, I am 35 pounds lighter than I was in January. Yesterday I wore a dress to work that is 4 sizes smaller than the size I wore in January.

Bar exam? What bar exam?

Life Changing Facial.

2007-06-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

I ran 10 miles on Saturday. Oh, yes. 10 miles in a row. Without stopping. Crazy Running Friend morphed into Psychotic Masochistic Running Friend when she unilaterally decided not only to run 10 miles, but to add significant hills to the run as well. Nice. She is SO not getting a Christmas gift.

Knowing I was going to be in some sort of paralytic state after the 10 mile run, I booked a facial at a local spa that I like to frequent. I thought it would be nice to lay down in one of those comfy little beds while lavender smelling steam wafts over me. Also thought it wise to elevate my feet, lest they actually fall off from the shock of running that far.

So, I am all tucked in the comfy little bed, in my little purple robe with the matching little purple turban when I comment to the aesthetician how lucky she is to have such a nice, stress-free job in a place that is quiet and tranquil and smells nice. This was her response:

“Yes, I love it. I was halfway through law school when I decided that I didn’t want a stressful, unhealthy job where I made people, including myself, miserable for a living so I dropped out in 2001 and have been doing this ever since.”

Ya don’t say.

Talk about a reality check. I was literally dumbfounded. Speechless. And speechless is a state I rarely achieve.

So, here is the list of Things I Learned From My Brilliant Aesthetician:

1. Practicing law is not everything. Plenty of people are happy in other professions.

2. I am not a loser destined for a tragic existence eating cat food and talking to inanimate objects if I end up not practicing law. See #1.

3. Lawyers don’t get to work in quiet, tranquil places that smell nice.

4. Not everyone actually wants to be a lawyer.

5. Not everyone thinks that becoming a lawyer and practicing law is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Who knew a facial could be a life changing event????

Barbri Class Reps Can Suck It!

2007-06-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

Federal Judge Rejects $49 Million BAR/BRI Settlement

Dear Barbri Class Reps,

You are seriously deluded if you think you deserve over $70,000 for being a class rep in this case, while I, as a class member, stand to receive approximately $125.

Did you peeps pass the bar? Are you representing yourselves? Because I? Totally failed. Twice. And trust me, I hate Barbri with the fire of a thousand suns and consider it a sartorial mandate to pontificate endlessly on the unmitigated clusterfuck that is the California Bar Exam. But seriously? I am going to check and see if you class reps passed the bar; if you did...OH, HELL NO. You do NOT get to pass AND get a settlement for over $70,000.

Seems like it's back to the old drawing board on the settlement. Keep me posted.

TTFN,

Your BFF, The Princess of Darkness and Anger

Rookie Moves.

2007-06-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I have plenty of social events these days to coax myself out of the Princess of Darkness and Anger phase I have been firmly ensconced in since May 25. One of these events was a little birthday soiree for Offspring #2. Said soiree took place at the Gwen Stefani concert. Me, Offspring #2 and three other girls, aged 10, 11 and 12. Good times.

This is a Public Service Announcement from The Blonde Blogger:

Here are some tips for you so that you do not make the same rookie moves I did when taking a Gaggle of Giggling Girls to a concert or basically any event wherein you are the only adult.

1. Caffeine is very, very bad for young girls. Worse for the tragically uninformed parental figure who is subsequently stuck with them in the car for extended periods of time.

2. Ditto for sugar. See #1.

3. Being outnumbered is SUICIDAL. Total rookie move. Have no idea what I was thinking. Don't do it. Just don't. You are not smarter; nor are you quicker, more agile or more anything. You will crash and burn and your mother will cry when she sees what they've done to you.

4. Being outnumbered by psychotic, over-caffeinated pre-teens screaming, "THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" is also very expensive.....especially when they sell Gwen Stefani dolls at the concert.

No more sneaking wine coolers into concerts for me......

For Increased Mental Stimulation...

2007-06-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I found this excellent new blog today.....check it out, if you are into intelligent political discussion...as oppposed to what I discuss here...;-)

The Extreme Center

Oh HELL No!

2007-06-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

I got this email today....how sad.

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated books by William A. Klein have also purchased Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition by Erwin Chemerinsky. For this reason, you might like to know that Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition will be released on July 1, 2007. You can pre-order your copy by following the link below.

Federal Jurisdiction, Fifth Edition Erwin Chemerinsky
Price:
$54.00

Release Date: July 1, 2007

It is SUCH a Monday!

2007-06-18T09:38:00.001-07:00

Lest any of you think that I am Annie Athlete, running around all the time like a champ, fear not. Paralysis has set in. I feel like I am 100 years old today.

If I could figure out a way to drink coffee in the shower I would......

Rapidly Approaching Total Hotness...

2007-06-17T09:53:00.001-07:00

OMG. I have lost my mind and here's why:

1. Today is Sunday.

2. I got up at 6:30 a.m.

3. I ran 8 miles. Yes, 8. 8, which is 2 less than 10, which is really just hella far...

4. I do not want to kill myself, nor am I limping around like a gimp. Yet.

Run, Forrest, Run!!

2007-06-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, my half-marathon is in a month. Literally, a month from Saturday. My desire to finish this half-marathon in order to actually finish something successfully (unlike the bar exam) goes hand in hand with my quest for Total Hotness. 2 birds, 1 stone.

So, the other day, Crazy Running Friend was not feeling well so she canceled the 6 mile run we had planned for that evening after work. Now I was faced with a dilemma. Go to the gym after work, which I hardly ever do and can always talk myself out of, because THE ENTIRE FREE WORLD is there after work, or I could…run alone. Scary.

There is a long trail adjacent to the business park where I work. I have never run by myself. I have never run on this trail. Crazy Running Friend has a truckload of kids and is self-employed ~ she regales me with fun little anecdotes about projectile bodily fluids to keep me entertained while I am actively avoiding heart failure (otherwise known as running.) I had my Ipod with me, but would I have the motivation to keep running when I could just walk and no one would know it???? Do I take my phone with me? What if I am stabbed and left to die on the trail and my husband doesn’t know where I am?

So, I headed out onto the trail to run my 6 miles. I did it. I only stopped when I had to, like for oncoming traffic. My really cute, yet utterly inefficient and inaccurate pedometer indicated that I ran 6.72 miles, but it actually turned out to be 5.88 miles. Close enough for me.

But I ran into some interesting peeps on the trail:

To The Group Junior High Slackers Getting Stoned: Don’t bother trying to hold that joint like it’s a cigarette. I could smell it a mile away… I wasn’t born yesterday, Sparky, cigarettes don’t look or smell like that.

To Hot Young Girl Making Out with Weird Boy: Please, girl, pull your shirt down and don’t let boys feel you up in public. Not cool. When you are 30, you will tell your therapist that you felt dirty after doing this. Besides, now that he has gone that far, and you cut him off at 2nd base, you’re about 3 days from being dumped.

To Douchebag On The Cell Phone: Your wife is totally going to find out what you are doing and your life is going to suck hard thereafter. That grass over there on the other side? It’s not greener, my friend, it just has bigger boobs.

To Totally Fit Triathlete Guy With No Shirt On: I could hear your Ipod. Britney totally rocks.

The $64,000 Question.

2007-06-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

I don't think I have ever mentioned this, but my Perfect Husband has some Perfect Offspring. The other day, I was with Offspring #2 on a field trip. (Oh, and law school? Totally ruins field trips. I was petrified something was going to happen to one of the other children entrusted to me ~ I didn't even want to buy them snacks. Do they have food allergies? Do they have diabetes? Can they have sugar? Will they actually tell me these things? What if they choke? Can I give them the heimlich? Or is that a "bad touching?" What if this child flies off the roller coaster? Am I liable? The words "negligent entrustment" came to mind.....talk about a total buzz kill...)

But anyways, riding in the car with Offspring #2 (11 year old girl) she asks me if I got the results from the bar exam.

I said, "Yes."

She said, "Did you pass?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Oh, bummer."

I said, (trying to make it sound less tragic and shitty than it actually is) "It's ok, only about 37% of people that took it passed."

She looks at me like I am a total frickin' idiot, and says, "Why would you take a test that no one can pass?"

Failing is HOT!!

2007-06-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, here is my new theory….the hotter I become, the less it will matter that I am multiple-failee of the California Bar Exam. Seriously. The legal industry is male dominated and coincidentally, so is the industry that I work in. So, I work in the male dominated in-house legal department of a large corporation in yet another male dominated industry. It is my contention that being hot, and particularly having a hot bod will take you far in life and make up for other (most often, glaring) deficiencies. Anyone who has ever worked in law firm knows at least one assistant, secretary, paralegal, associate, etc. that is there because he or she is totally hot, or at the very least, hotter than the other applicants.

This is how the conversation most often goes:

Guy A: Did you read the report (brief, motion, agenda, or whatever) that Hot Bod wrote?

Guy B: No, why?

Guy A: God, it's a total train wreck. Poor grammar and syntax; completely disorganized. Did we get a writing sample before we hired her?

Guy B: Who cares? At least she’s hot.

Guy A: Totally.

Guy B: I was thinking of nominating her for Associate of the Year.

Guy A: Good idea, I’ll second it.

How many of us have said this about a hot person we work with? I have said it. “Well, at least she’s hot.” Hot people are forgiven more often. Is it wrong? Yes. Annoying? Yep. Discriminatory? Totally. Does it happen? Yes. Is it my battle to take on? Nope. So I am gonna make it work to my advantage.

Having said that, my new goal in life is to get as hot as possible so the conversation about me can go something like this:

Guy A: Did you read the brief that Blonde Blogger wrote?

Guy B: No, why?

Guy A: Stellar work. On-point and concise, the client is going to love it ~ he will save millions in costs and fees. But did you hear she can’t pass the California Bar Exam?

Guy B: Who cares? At least she’s hot.

Guy A: Totally.

Guy B: I was thinking of nominating her for Paralegal of the Year.

Guy A: Good idea, I’ll second it. I think she needs a raise too.

Sweaty Bitch in Barbri...

2007-06-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was clicking around reading my morning blogs (Thank god I can multi-task like a champ because it is a wonder I get any work done in the mornings; this is why I work till all hours. But really, I am one of those peeps that would go into work at noon and work till 9 p.m. But I digress…..) and I came across a post on Law With Grace entitled Loud Barbri Eater. I almost fell off my chair laughing so hard. I HATE assholes in Barbi, or PMBR or any other torture session/bar review class in which I have been trapped, that act like the lecture is taking place in their kitchen, or living room or some other area where they feel they can act like their mother never taught them any manners. Let me tell you a little story about The Sweaty Bitch in my Barbri class…….

Once upon a time, in a crazy land far away, called Berkeley, I took Barbri. I attended the live lectures during the day. The auditorium was always totally crowded and you had to get there early to get any seat, let alone a good seat. I was carpooling with a friend of mine and we always sat in the same general area. Because I drink about a gallon of water a day in addition to about a gallon of Diet Coke, an aisle seat is imperative.

This being Berkeley, home of the environmentalist as well as home of the non-existent parking space, a lot of people rode their bike to class. Now, I am all about tree-hugging and eco-friendly makeup and hairspray, blah, blah, blah, but it was July and hella much hot outside and of course, there is no air conditioning at Boalt. So, the bike riders would come in ALL SWEATY AND DRIPPING THEIR DISGUSTING BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER THE PLACE. (Note: for the record, I am slightly germophobic and even if I wasn’t, I have a fairly generous and clearly defined “personal space” that I like to maintain.) Evidently, people who anticipate sweating profusely on a daily basis do not wear a lot of clothing. This is 6 different kinds of wrong. Subsequently, those of us lucky enough to be seated near the Sweating Environmental Visionaries were subjected to the pungent aroma of the Morally Superior as well as their bodily fluids that were flung about willy-nilly on a daily basis.

One of these bike riders would always come into class 10 minutes late, and try to find a seat around me somewhere. Why she chose, EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THREE DAYS, to find a seat near me, is frankly, just beyond reason. But she did. And every single day, WITHOUT FAIL, SHE WOULD TURN AROUND, GIVE ME DIRTY LOOKS, HOLD HER NOSE, AND BEGIN GESTICULATING WILDLY, INDICATING TO ALL THOSE NEARBY THAT I SMELLED BAD. (Note: It would take a person of average intelligence about 5.2 second to surmise upon meeting me that 1. I am not from Berkeley. 2. I shower on a daily basis.) Since, I knew beyond a reasonable doubt (law school education at work, my friends!) that I did not, in fact, smell bad, I could only conclude that she did not like my perfume.

Picture if you will, barely clothed, smelly, dripping, Sweaty Bitch, WITH HER BIKE HELMUT STILL ON HER FRICKIN’ HEAD, saying I smelled bad?!?!?! Oh. No. She. Di’int.

Every time she turned around, I looked her in the eye and said, “WHAT???” and “IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY PERFUME, SIT YOUR ASS SOMEWHERE ELSE!”

It took 3 days for that dumb bitch to get a clue and sit somewhere else. And that was only after I surreptitiously sprayed her backpack with my little purse sized perfume sprayer thingy that I got as a sample. Smell that, Bitch!!

Is It Wrong To Drink In The Morning?

2007-06-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am still deciding....I may just put off the decision and suck up the extra $250 I will have to pay......

Jackass: Part III.

2007-06-11T15:00:00.001-07:00

If you read First Time Takers Can Be Assholes and Jackass: Part II, then you know how much it pains me to say this, although if I was honest I would say I am not surprised:

Jackass? Totally passed.

Tomorrow is the last day....

2007-06-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

To register for the July 2007 bar exam. HHhmmmmm.......I think I am gonna sit this one out.....I think I might be able to gear myself up for February, but I just can't see getting my act together for this one...do I even want to?

Warning! This Post is Not Funny, Enlightening, or Interesting!

2007-06-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

NOTE: This is a serious pity party here, peeps. Read it and weep, but just know that today is the last day of said pity party, as this will be the last rant about failing the bar. Plus, my husband might kill me if I don't shut my pie hole.

I am pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F. Like seriously, Alanis Morissette pissed. Fiona Apple pissed, even. And angry is not attractive. Psycho bitch rageaholic is not hot. While I am embarrassed beyond belief, I am angrier than I am embarrassed because I just failed the bar exam for the second time.

I did everything I was supposed to do. The first time, I took Barbri, the live lectures. I went every day and I took notes, created outlines, flashcards and did all the practice essays. I did extra practice essays. I did all the performance exams and did all the reading. I memorized all the mnemonics. Barbri tells you to be a sheep and just give the examiners the answer they want. I was a sheep.

I took both the 6-day and 3-day PMBR courses. I went every day and took notes. I completed the in-class book as well as the red and blue books. I purchased past MBE examinations from the NCBEX website and completed those under testing conditions. I reviewed every wrong answer. I made notes about the areas of law in which I was scoring low and went back and reviewed those areas. I listened to those god-forsaken CD’s, which was a seemingly endless dose of Sominex.

Here is what I didn’t do: Have fun. Talk to or see my family. Go out with my husband. Talk on the phone. Screw around on the internet. Sleep in. Work. Make money. See my friends.

I took that shit seriously. I hounded my husband endlessly about contracts and property and constitutional law and it was all we talked about. I constantly had a stomach ache ~ I was under a huge amount of pressure due to the financial strain I was putting my husband under. You gotta throw down some bills for Barbri – it is not cheap. Neither is PMBR.

My family had had a rough couple of years and was desperately in need of some good news, or good fortune, or really, just something not upsetting and disappointing. My husband’s family is full of lawyers who all passed the first time – one of them in more than one state. They seem to be under the misconception that I am brilliant (no doubt evidenced by my excellent taste in husbands) and I was afraid of disappointing them or my husband.

I was, and still am, friends with a lot of people that I have worked with at various law firms and in house legal jobs. My friends are lawyers, paralegals, legal secretaries and administrators. They “knew” I would pass and were anxiously awaiting the results. At the gym, I took Spin classes with a group of attorney’s from the local D.A’s office that I chatted with on a daily basis about the law, their jobs, my classes and the bar exam. They too, “knew” I would pass, because I am so “smart.”

And when the exam came around, I woke up on time. I was prepared and looking good. No computer problems, stuck to the time constraints on the essays, performance exams and even the MBE’s. I outlined. I went to bed early and watched bad TV.

I did everything I was supposed to do.

And I failed. Those fuckers failed me. I was old, tired, fat, broke and a failure.

So, the second time, I took Cal Bar Tutorial. I had to throw down even more bills. I did all the same shit I did the first time. I was at the library every day freezing my ass off. My in laws were still convinced I was brilliant, and my family was still in need of some good news. I had the same friends in the legal profession and the same husband who made me Lemon Drops every night (ok, pipe down, not really every night.)

I tried to relax a little more, go out with my husband more, have a little more fun. I spoke to my family on the phone. Improved my MBE scores. Bought more books. Worked out more.

Again, I took that shit seriously and when the exam came around again, I did the same thing I did before. I was there early, I was prepared. I did not have computer issues and I remembered my stupid little brown admittance slip. I ate healthy and dressed warmly and the room wasn’t freezing.

I did everything that repeaters were supposed to do.

And I failed. I fucking failed again.

I am pissed that I have subjected myself and my husband to staggering student loan debt for nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am pissed that some questionable people passed the bar and I didn’t.

I am mortified that I have had to explain to my friends and family that I failed again. Especially to my friends in the legal field; everyone knows some asshat (my new favorite word) lawyer with no common sense that passed the first time and here I am, a two time loser. I am afraid that they wonder whether or not I am smart enough to do this. I am afraid they question some of the choices I have made that have potentially put me in this situation. Why didn’t she go to law school right after college? Why did she work during law school?

I am afraid that the best I will ever be is what I am right now.

And that is why I am fucking pissed off.

Rapidly Approaching Rock Bottom....

2007-06-04T15:34:00.001-07:00

So, I am running a half-marathon in July with a crazy friend of mine who seems to think that I can haul my fat ass (although admittedly less fat than it used to be, but still in the upper percentile) across the finish line in under 3 hours. (Note: You can't even sign up unless you state you can finish in less than 3 hours; how do they verify this? For first-timers like me, it is a total crapshoot. I guess I can...what are they going to do if I can't? Kick me out? Puhleease, I will already be enroute to the hospital via ambulance sucking on an oxygen mask.)

Since failing the motherfucking bar exam, AGAIN, finishing this half-marathon, and not actually dying while doing so, has become vitally important for the following reasons:

1. It will prove that I can finish something....worthwhile. Don't even get me started on finishing law school.

2. It will prove that I don't fail at EVERYTHING I do.

3. It will prove that I can stay on the path to health and vitality I started down in an attempt to bring myself out of the dark and evil pit that was my first attempt at the bar exam.

I really don't know what I will do if I can't finish this half-marathon. I need it for my sanity. Which is an improvement over what I needed for my sanity the last time I failed: Rocky Road and Belvedere Vodka.

So, I ran my fat ass some 6 miles yesterday and I am headed out for some more today. I really just need to succeed at something. Anything.

Not a Lot to Say These Days.....

2007-06-04T13:21:00.001-07:00

Because I am pissed. Stark-raving-lunatic kind of pissed. And since no one wants to hear a pissed off lunatic bitch endlessly, I thought I would keep my comments to myself for now...

But, congrats to all those that passed....

I am the Best Paralegal EVER!!!

2007-05-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

That's my story and I am stickin' to it!

I did not pass the bar exam, my friends.

I am off to drown my sorrows......

100 Minutes.

2007-05-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

You have got to be kidding me.

Seriously, I am going home now....everyone else has been gone for a while.....

Survival of the Fittest...

2007-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

In an effort to divert my attention from the California Bar website, my husband sent me this:

http://www.rgj.com/emailexpress/efrd.php?id=268732

An Arizona death row inmate's last words on this earth were, "Go Raiders."

Speaks volumes, doesn't it??

8 Hours....

2007-05-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

8 hours to go, says the website.

I actually thought that I would be productive at work today, but as it turns out...not so much.

I brought nail polish to work today.

I Hate This Day.

2007-05-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

This is what the California State Bar website looks like right now:

February 2007 California Bar Examination Pass List

The State Bar of California makes the pass list available on this page in two phases:

1. Applicant-Only Search
Results from the February 2007 California Bar Examination will be mailed to applicants on Friday, May 25, 2007. Applicants will be able to access the pass list that evening, beginning at 6:00 PM (PDT) using their applicant number and file number.

Results will be available in 10 hours

2. Public Search
The pass list will be available to the public beginning Sunday, May 27, 2007 at 6:00 AM (PDT).

For some reason, I will likely be checking it periodically today. I have a nagging fear that some tool over at the Bar is rubbing his hands together, laughing, considering whether to release the list early and see if anyone notices......

When it gets to less than an hour till results, it will tick off the minutes.....seriously.....THIS is why lawyers are asshats.

The Pussycat Dolls - Las Vegas Style!

2007-05-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I went on a quick girls trip to Las Vegas, or as I like to call it, The Mothership, this weekend with a friend of mine who was on a business trip.

We went to see The Pussycat Dolls at The Pussycat Lounge, which is in the Pure nightclub at Caesar's Palace. As soon as I walked in, it was as if the heaven's opened up and the angels sang. I was home.

Those Dolls are six kinds of HOT! They are not the same Dolls that recorded the CD or that go on tour, they are the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls and let me just tell you what the difference is: tits and ass. The Las Vegas Dolls are not as skinny as the other Dolls, they have hips and boobs and the show is truly a burlesque show. They sing some of the same Pussycat Doll songs, but they have some old school burlesque numbers as well, complete with pig tails, ruffled bloomers and garter belts. I could totally rock that look, being the total Glamazon I am.

But the highlight of my night, (besides paying $12 for a vodka/cranberry...good times!) was that they announced that Chelsea and Melissa R, my favorites from The Next Pussycat Doll, WILL BE JOINING THE LAS VEGAS SHOW!!! But here is the kicker.....they can't join UNTIL THEY TURN 21!!! They will both be turning 21 within the next couple months. I am WAY too old to be so excited about this.

I am going back to Vegas in November with my husband and don't think I'm not draggin' him there. Maybe I will wear some ruffled bloomers myself and see if I can be "discovered" and join Robin Antin's evil empire...

My faith in the universe has been restored.

I Am Glad He's Dead.

2007-05-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I should never run for office and here's why: I am a bad liar. And I think the world could use a little more honesty.

Jerry Falwell passed way the other day and the media everywhere has been "celebrating the life" and "remembering" and "looking back" on his life and his alleged "contribution" to society. Consider the following excerpt from http:www.thenation.com/doc/20070528/blumenthal:

"As with his positions on abortion and homosexuality, the basso profondo preacher's own words on race stand as vivid documents of his legacy. Falwell launched on the warpath against civil rights four years after the Supreme Court's Brown v. Board of Education decision to desegregate public schools with a sermon titled "Segregation or Integration: Which?"

If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God's word and had desired to do the Lord's will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision would never have been made," Falwell boomed from above his congregation in Lynchburg. "The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line."

Falwell's jeremiad continued: "The true Negro does not want integration.... He realizes his potential is far better among his own race." Falwell went on to announce that integration "will destroy our race eventually. In one northern city," he warned, "a pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife.""

Everyone wants to be politically correct and discuss his "contributions" and "celebrate" his life? Are you kidding me with this?

Here is the press release I would issue from Barred for Life:

Jerry Falwell was a dick and he will not be missed. That's one more ignorant, hateful miscreant off the face of this earth. Hopefully, his death will be akin to cutting the head off the snake; his legion of hate peddlers will slowly dissipate and die.

McStupid!

2007-05-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Do not even get me started on Grey's Anatomy. Seriously!?!?! That was the worst season finale I have ever seen on any show I have ever watched. NOTHING went well for ANYONE!!! Unequivocally, all of their lives now suck. Although, arguably, a lot of their lives sucked before the suicidal debacle that was last night's episode.

It was SO unbelievable. After Burke waxes poetic during surgery (Note to self: if ever on a gurney headed into life threatening heart surgery while pregnant with twins, ask surgeon if there is anything he would like to get off of his chest before slicing me open, in an effort to ensure said surgeon is focused on my heart that is about to explode and not his vows to some sadistic closet lesbian with anger issues. Oh please, she is so in love with Meredith. She is her person. Whatever.) he then leaves her at the altar in front of his overbearing nightmare of a mother? Right. Burke has serious mommy issues anyways, so she is probably better off.

And then they reveal that the hot chick McWhiny, I mean, McDreamy hit on at the bar last week is a new intern, and lo and behold her last name is GREY. So, Dark and Twisty has a hot little sister that she doesn't know about? Daddy issues revisited.

George failed the intern exam? I thought he was supposed to be the smartest one, but of late, he is acting like a total idiot being led around by his manhood. He needs to suck it up, strap on a set and stop giving McBitchy, I mean Izzy the love eyes.

And right when Callie gets the Chief Resident position, she has a sudden estrogen attack, her eyes mist over and she wants to have a baby???? Please, I have been waiting for her to throw down and kick Izzy's ass. I would have handed that bitch her scrubs on a platter and sent her packing. Who do you think George will pick? Izzy the Underwear Model OR Callie The Wife I Thought I Wanted Who is Now Laden With My Womb Fruit. Hmmmm...that's a toughie....

Alex missed his chance with Ava, and Derek cut his hair. WTF???

And Meredith, my friend, I will never have sympathy for you again....you had McDreamy and turned him into McNightmare.

I Heart Apolo!

2007-05-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Aren't these two the cutest frickin' kids you've ever seen? I want to put them in my purse, take them home with me, so they can dance on my coffee table for me. She is like a mini Barbie and he is like a mini Ken, except with better hair, a better name, and he's not gay!! LOVE him! I so want him to win!

If you have no idea what I am talking about at this point, I have several questions for you. First, where the HELL have you been? Dancing With The Stars is only the best show ever. I have never taken a dance lesson in my life, yet this show makes me want to forget practicing law so I can become a professional ballroom dancer. Second, really, where the HELL have you been?? This show is on two nights a week, HOW could you miss it?? Did you not drool over Mario last season? BTW, Mario just moved in with his partner, the bitchy Ms. Karina Smirnoff. She is a total bee-yatch, but how cool is it to be named after booze? They are smokin' hot together, I would love to be a fly on that bedroom wall.....

Apolo will win this season, I just know it. He is talented and a true competitor and people love them because the two of them look like toys you want to play with. I think he is just a little hot tamale...I just wanna spread him on a cracker...

Too bad Ian Ziering went home last night. Maybe now he will have time to pull that stick out of his ass and relax. Seriously, dude, you are a has-been from 90210 in a ballroom dancing competition...you are not curing cancer. Granted, you are hot and your moves rock, but pop a Xanax or something, you're making me nervous just watching you.

Anyway, this is just one more futile attempt on my part to try and reduce the stress about next week. I am seriously STRESSED. S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D the fuck out. Bad TV helps me mellow out. Too bad they already picked the next Pussycat Doll.....that show seriously reduced my stress. (And I know I have one peep that reads this blog that claims she never watched Who Wants To Be The Next Pussycat Doll....yeah, RIGHT!! You know who you are...) BUT!! Here is the good news!! I am going to Las Vegas this weekend with a girlfriend for some fun, AND THEY ARE HAVING TRYOUTS FOR NEXT SEASON!!! Woohoo!!! Think they need an old Pussycat with a law degree?!?!?!?!

And just how many Pussycat Dolls do they need anyways!!??

2 Weeks.

2007-05-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Only two weeks till results. I feel almost paralyzed; there are things I want to blog about everyday (Paris, leave Arnie alone, he has bigger fish to fry...) but I just can't seem to get it together. I finally gave up reading the blogs of bar takers from other states, it was totally stressing me out. To read their accounts of either passing and celebrating, or not passing and going through the excruciatingly painful process of reapplying makes me start itching, I get so anxious. It's all I can do to put my makeup on and get to work in the morning.

And that's another thing; work takes up a shitload of time. Between my stress level and work, my posts have been less frequent these days. Turns out that 40-50 hours a week is a LOT of time. This is why I would never pursue a job with a big firm (yeah, like they would want me...), I just do not want to work that much. Assuming that I actually WORK for 9 hours a day, which is probably a stretch seeing as how I have to read the news online, check my email and read my favorite blogs, if I were at a firm, I would probably be able to bill 6.5 hours a day. Which, after doing the math, would put me at about 1690 billable hours a year, if I don't take any holidays or time off or vacation. Which would promptly get me fired after the first year. There is no law firm I know of that has a billable requirement that low.

So, since I am basically lazy, and want to work a normal week and have time to go out and drink copious amounts of wine with my husband, I am going to try and stay right where I am if (WHEN!) I pass the bar. The whole in-house thing ROCKS! Obviously, if I don't pass, I am staying right here, happy as a Pussycat Doll, until I decide if I want to take the February 2008 bar exam.

More power to all you peeps out there that want to "hang your shingle," as they say, and open your own law office. I have never had any desire to do that and I would be terrible at picking out copy machines, designing letterhead and hiring people. I would probably just hire all my friends and chat and shop online all day. Clearly not a sound business decision. I think I will stick with my awesome in house job...

OMG.

2007-05-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

Results come out 3 weeks from today.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

It literally makes my blood pressure rise when I read the blogs of bar takers from different states who already received their results. Some passed, some didn't and I am starting to itch just writing about it.

I want to be The Pussycat Lawyer!!

2007-04-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

I am sure that I should be focusing on the more weighty issues of the day in case I actually end up becoming a lawyer next month, but really, the fluff is so much more interesting. I should be pontificating on the recent decision on the ban on partial birth abortions, or the tragedy at Virginia Tech, or the fact that McCain has joined every other politician in the world and decided to run for President. Yeah...not so much. I am all about intelligent banter and all, but seriously, I hate arguing about abortion with the fire of a thousand suns. Which made me super-popular in law school. Not.

But what is really on the forefront of my agenda today is the grave error I feel Robin Antin committed when she chose Asia to be The Next Pussycat Doll. WHAT was she thinking?? That girl is from Planet Ghetto Illiterate. I SO wanted Chelsea to win, but knew that she probably wasn't going to and Melissa R. is really just a mini Nicole, so I didn't think she was going to win either. However, Ron Fair said that she was the "complete package" and I totally agree. I thought from the beginning that Melissa S. was a shoe-in but God almighty, that girl was as dumb as a box of rocks and a total beeee-yatch! My pet name for her was Vapid.

Asia is g-h-e-t-t-o. She is 18 and has an infant daughter and maybe it was just creative editing, but she constantly had this vacant look on her face, and was always standing around pigeon-toed with her finger in her mouth. Crying about how she is chasing her dream so her daughter can say her mom was a Pussycat Doll. She ain't giving up, she is a survivor. Save it sister, it's tired. Everyone had a rough childhood and everyone is from the ghetto and had parents that did things they shouldn't have done, so get over yourself. And PLEASE, get rid of the frosty pink lipstick!!! Ya look like a hooker in your Wet n' Wild #97. (And don't even get me started on the whole "ain't" thing, that is a rant for another day...)

Of course, my husband, desperately trying to get back in my good graces, finds the fact that I watch CNN, actually know who Boris Yeltsin is, yet want to be The Next Pussycat Doll kinda hot. I myself find it to be a sexy dichotomy. Not many chicks can say they aced Legal Research and Writing and still know the names of all the Pussycat Dolls. I can intelligently discuss the Kelo decision and I can also tell you which season of The Real World was the best (Las Vegas, by far....complete and utter debauchery...) I can quote Benjamin Cardozo, yet I want Holly, Kendra and Bridget to be my BFF's.

My husband, out of the blue, says to me this morning, as we are getting ready for work, "I can't believe she picked Asia, I never saw that coming. "

My work here is done.

Even The Mighty Can Fall...

2007-04-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

So, I have made no secret of the fact that the July 2006 bar exam made me hella much fat. Seriously, that is the only way to put it. "Junk in my trunk" and "Jiggle in my wiggle" are way to cute for what happened to me. At least I can say that I just got bigger everywhere...I spread the love, so to speak....I just became a Super-Sized version of myself. SO not hot.

Since I am sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for my scintillating weight loss update, here it is. I have lost 23 pounds and two sizes since the beginning of the year. This might sound great to you, and believe me, I am liking the sound of it too. But seriously, I am working my ass off (literally) and I would have expected better and quicker results. I eat vegetables, and a lot of them. Fiber is my friend, as is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. About once a week I treat myself to a small fat-free, sugar-free fro-yo with some almond slivers. I eat organic at home and whenever I can when I eat out. No more Cosmos or Lemon Drops. White wine is less caloric and when all you eat is veggies, you get buzzed just as quick, so it's all good. I am at the gym at least 5 times a week, and a friend of mine talked me into running a half marathon with her in July, so I have been running. Usually, I make it a policy to avoid running unless someone is actually chasing me. I have had no white bread, no potatoes, and no pasta since January 1. This is what my life has been like since the beginning of the year.

I have also made no secret of the fact that I have a perfect husband. Seriously, the do all the right things all the time, totally hot, sweet, generous, kind, never look at me like I am a psycho even when I am, kind of perfect. He is also a lawyer, so he totally understood the whole bar exam psychosis and in fact, never mentioned moving out or divorce once! Score! I love him to death. He is one of those men that loves women, has a great respect for women, and is a gentleman.

He is wicked smart, and one of the things that just kills me, is when we are in bed reading, and he is reading "Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson and His Times, 1961-1973," and I am reading "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," this man has the inner strength not to fall off the bed laughing and, if you ask him, will maintain that we are mental equals and that I "challenge" him. Make no mistake, ladies, big boobs will take you far in life.

However, even the mighty can fall.

My perfect husband has fallen from my good graces.

In the worst way imaginable.

He has lost 10 pounds without even trying.

If I didn't love him so much, I would hate his skinny ass.

After a routine follow up appointment following a physical a couple of months ago, my husband comes home and tells me his cholesterol is down significantly, blood pressure was great, blood sugar is great, and his allergies are in check. Fantastic, I tell him, as I have also advised him that it is imperative that he outlive me since I would perish without him. Well, wait, he says, there is one more thing. Oh God, I think. It's a tumor. Jesus Christ, I wonder how long he's got. In my mind, I am halfway through the first draft of the letter I will write my boss informing her that I will need an indefinite leave of absence to care for my ailing husband, when he drops the bomb on me.

"I have lost 10 pounds, isn't that great? I don't even know how that happened."

Hold the phone, Batman. WTF?

"Did you just say you lost 10 pounds?"

"I knew you were going to be upset about his, I am really sorry, I don't know how it happened."

I am torn between wanting to laugh at the look on his face and wanting to rip his face right off. The man is sorry that he has lost 10 pounds. He knows this will throw me over the edge I am constantly walking. Consider for a moment, a common weeknight conversation between us, where he says things to me like, "Oh, I was bad today and went to Wendy's for lunch." "I had two bags of Fritos at lunch today." Compare this to things I say to him, "I had a green salad with lemon for lunch." "I did 90 minutes of cardio today."

He has no idea how this happened and I religiously monitor every bite I take and every calorie I burn???? You have got to be kidding me with this shit. But really, what can I do? I know that men have more lean muscle mass and burn fat at a higher rate than women do. Blah, blah, blah.....at least he is healthy and will more than likely outlive me.

All I know is that my birthday is next month, and in the interest of fairness...I am gonna get a kick ass birthday gift!!

SHUT UP, AL!!!

2007-04-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Al Sharpton,

Now that Dan Imus has been fired, will you please do the world a favor and shut the fuck up? Yes, he is a racist and a misogynist, but he certainly doesn’t owe you an apology, nor does he have to speak to you. Oh, and speaking of apologies, all packed for your trip to North Carolina? I hear you are speaking out against “publicly degrading” other people:

“Sharpton praised Moonves' decision Friday and said it was time to change the culture of publicly degrading other people. “I think we've got to really use this to really stop this across the board," he told CBS's "The Early Show."

Well, Al, that is great to hear! I am sure the boys over there at Duke are waiting with baited breath for your humble apology. Bring your buddy, Jesse.

And speaking of assholes, I don’t know if you have read the U.S. Constitution lately, but I have; they really stress that in the whole bar review program. But anyway, as far as I can tell, no one in this country, regardless of their race or gender, is guaranteed an asshole-free existence. It is not against the law to be an asshole. Just ask Tom Cruise.

Since the beginning of mankind, there have been rude, socially repugnant people, of all races, genders and ethnicities, walking around being assholes. There is no reason to believe that is going to stop anytime soon. Seeing as how Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and you and your buddy Jesse keep reproducing, it’s more fun times to come!

And what have you been telling the ladies at Rutgers? Some of them have said they are “scarred for life,” it has “ruined the championship,” and some “will never get over this.” You better suck it up ladies; the world is full of people like Don Imus. Who cares what an old, ugly, ignorant has-been thinks? Ladies, ladies, you are getting an education, you are stellar collegiate athletes, don’t let this get to you. It’s not worth it.

Al, do you really think the CBS fired Imus because they are concerned about “young women of color”? Please, it’s all about the Benjamin’s.

"There has been much discussion of the effect language like this has on our young people, particularly young women of color trying to make their way in this society," CBS President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves said in announcing the decision. "That consideration has weighed most heavily on our minds as we made our decision."

Yeah, that and the fact that they are going to be bankrupt if all the advertisers pull out with their $$$. What he really meant to say was, “Shit, ever since Howard Stern left, our company has been in the toilet financially, Imus was all we had left, and now he has run his mouth off and caused all of our advertisers to flee like we have VD. We better give Imus the axe so Proctor and Gamble, Sprint, Staples, etc. get back on board with the cash. I don’t want to end up a Barista at Starbucks.”

CBS and Moonves don’t give a shit about the ladies at Rutgers, “young women of color,” their employees, or anyone else for that matter. Money makes the world go ‘round…

So Al, since Imus is pounding the pavement today, you can get the hell off your soapbox.

I read yesterday that Halle Berry is starring in a new comedy titled, “Nappily Ever After.”

Seriously?!?!?!?!!?

The New Challenge!!

2007-04-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

OMG and WTF?!?! How did I miss this? Did my beloved Tivo fail me?

Real World/Road Rules Challenge the Inferno 3 started last night!!

Thank god for reruns.....hard to believe I went to law school, huh?

I Love Me Some Bad Grammar!

2007-04-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

You peeps are going to be so jealous when I tell you what was waiting on my porch last night when I got home. Oh yes, the very first published account of the life and times of Anna Nicole Smith. Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/Train-Wreck-Death-Nicole-Smith/dp/1597775401/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9478619-1353745?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176301654&sr=8-1.

What I find hilarious, and I should actually find this completely embarrasing, is that I bought this book because Amazon sent me a recommendation email. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard...the whole "based on past purchases, Amazon thinks you would like..." And then they show a whole bunch of pictures of the books you have purchased in the the past? I love it! Their records show that I am a literary schizophrenic:

So, we have your garden variety chick-lit, (which frankly, I think I could do just as well, if not better than some...) law school text books, bar review guides and trash. Nice!!

So, the book I got last night was written, and REALLY, I am using the term loosely, by Anna Nicole's half sister, Donna Hogan. I sat down just to look at the pictures in the middle, and OMG, I was riveted!! The woman cannot string together a lucid sentence to save her life. Bad grammar, improper syntax, inconsistent tenses, all the good stuff! I do this with every book I read. First, I read the fist couple pages, then I go to the end and read the last chapter. Then I spend the rest of my time reading the book in search of typos and mistakes. I have yet to be disappointed. This book was the worst, in terms of typos and misspellings: Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion by Izabella St. James (Hardcover - Aug 21, 2006)

Clearly, it should come as no suprise that my peeps over at Amazon thought Train Wreck would be something I would want to read.

I was on Bart one time, with the Playboy Bunny book and a PMBR book.....people looked afraid, very afraid.

I will be posting my favorite quotes from this work of art...I can't wait!! I should be done with it at lunch...funny what a quick read it is!!

Please, did I call it or what???

2007-04-10T12:58:00.001-07:00

Larry is the Baby's Daddy!!

http://www.tmz.com/

2007-04-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, on a lighter note, because I realize that last post was a total buzz-kill, did Don Imus really say "nappy-headed ho" on a nationally syndicated radio show? Check out the story here: http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=f75958fe-1b6e-4e71-b58c-99ff58f1d716

What a complete fuckwit. What, does he play poker with Mel Gibson and Michael Richards? And what's with meeting with the "leaders" after you make ignorant remarks that end up in the press? Don Imus, just like Michael Richards, met with Al Sharpton on a damage control mission, to discuss what he said and to apologize. Mel Gibson met with Jewish leaders to atone for his anti-Semitic remarks. Who did Isaiah Washington meet with? Jack from Will and Grace? Does that really make it all better? No, it is just another opportunity to show the world just how big an ass you really are.

I am hereby appointing myself "leader" of the blonde community. Anyone who makes rude or insensitive comments about blondes will need to meet with me to mend fences and assure that the blonde community is not offended. All offenders will have to ply me with lemon drop martini's and Coach bags to ensure that the blonde community does not go on strike and cease dancing on bars and showing too much cleavage. If Gloria Allred becomes Gloria Allblonde, then maybe she could be our advocate! She has already spoken out in support of Amber Frey and Anna Nicole Smith. All offenders will be required to watch Legally Blonde as their penance. Hmmmm, paralegal or Blonde Community Leader?!?!?! Tough choice.

Speaking of blondes, DNA results come out tomorrow on Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielyn...anyone wanna bet me? My money is on Birkhead...

Take the July '07 Ca Bar Exam? Oh, HELL No!

2007-04-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering what I am going to do if I fail the bar again. And what I am going to do if I pass the bar. I have thought, maybe if I fail, I will become a rock star and then when Rolling Stone magazine interviews me, I can tell them that I have a law degree but abandoned a law career to pursue my one true love: music. I have thought, maybe if I pass, I am going to be discovered as the great legal mind that I really am and argue some heart-wrenching case that will end up being the next Palsgraf. But really, if I pass, I am going to sit my ass in my chair and do some more paralegal work till I can strong-arm my company into hiring me as a lawyer. And if I fail, I am going to cry and drink. A lot. But I can tell you for sure what I am NOT going to do if I fail to bar again. I am not taking the July 2007 California Bar Exam.

The brain waves over there at the State Bar are going to be adding 3 subjects to the bar exam this July. California Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Business Associations are the new subjects. Not only do you need to know these new subjects, you need to know with specificity the difference between California Evidence and Federal Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Federal Civil Procedure and for Business Associations, you need to add Agency and Partnerships to Corporations. What-the-fuck-ever. The bar announced these fun and exciting new additions in October of 2002. Yep, almost a full FIVE YEARS before they will debut on the exam.

That is a colossal five year mind fuck, right there. Legal scholars and the mental giants that teach any and all bar review classes have been ramping up to this climactic crescendo for FIVE YEARS.

I paid thousands of dollars more than once to hear bar review professors pontificate on what subjects they think will be tested on the next bar. All of them, and I mean all of them, even the ones I didn't take, predicted incorrectly. I can't tell you how many blogs and articles I have read on-line discussing this very subject. Will the new subjects be on the exam in July or will they wait? Maybe only SOME of the new subjects will be on the July bar? They just tested Corporations twice in a row...does that make it more or less likely for them to test it in July? I can tell you that ever single person I spoke to prior to the February exam was convinced that Civil Procedure was going to be on the exam. Jackass himself told me that "without a doubt" it was going to show up on the test, and that he would "totally bet me." We call him Jackass for a reason; it was not on the exam.

This whole subject of what is going to be on the next bar makes me shake and makes me want to drink till I pass out. In my experience, July bars are more tense, emotionally charged and stressful than February bars. Maybe the sheer numbers present in July account for that, but you can count me out. There is no fucking way I am going near that bar exam. The farther away I get from the February bar, the more I realize what a stressed out, psychotic bitch I was. It is a miracle I am still married.

And it's not too late for beauty school.

Ok, Listen Up, Peeps!!

2007-04-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I am slowly becoming my old self. Other than the little vomit-in-my-mouth episode from last week, the bar exam is slowly becoming a thing of the past. I am going to the gym. Going out with my husband. Reintroduced myself to my friends. Got the new job. Sleeping more, drinking less (not really, but drinking less due to suicidal/bar related thoughts). So, it would stand to reason that my patience would return as well.

Turns out, not so much. During bar review last July, I swear I thought I was going to actually break the horn in my car, I used it so much. I began to actually flip people off, which is something I never used to do as I was afraid of getting shot in the head by some road rager. Of course, driving around Berkeley with all the other psychotic Barbri students looking for parking is actually a short cut to the booby-hatch. Nothing will make you crazier.

It wasn't much better in February. There was the Grandma-with-the-new-cellphone incident at the library. And the Ipod incident, which frankly, was too disturbing to blog about. Suffice it to say I now have a new one. I was still honking at people and cussing like a sailor, which my mother abhors, but my husband finds "endearing." I think this is his word for "totally fucking annoying" but he wisely chooses not to say that because he likes having sex and wants to continue to do so. But I digress.

My patience has not returned and it doesn't look like it will be making an appearance any time soon. I know this, because when people ask me questions about the bar exam, I want to stick a fork in their eyeball.

So, the foregoing is my "press release" so to speak, that will hopefully answer any and all of the questions people have about the bar exam:

1. Yes, I am glad it is over.

2. Yes, it was very hard.

3. Yes, I know JFK, Jr. failed too.

4. No, results have not been released yet.

5. Yes, it takes a long time to get the results. Because the graders are lawyers, that's why.

6. Oh, I think I did great. I nailed it! (Seriously, what are you supposed to say to this question? "I think I fucking failed again, ruined my life, embarrassed my husband and needlessly threw thousands of dollars down the drain, all for a career that will ultimately give me ulcers and high blood pressure?" Who wants to hear that??)

7. No, I am not nervous about the results at all; my life and financial future are hanging in the balance, but no biggie.

8. No, the questions were different than the questions in July. Yes, I know that is unfair.

9. Yes, I had to retake THE WHOLE THING. They don't let you only retake the part you failed.

AND HERE IS THE BIGGIE...PAY ATTENTION, PEEPS...

10. THE RESULTS COME OUT MAY 25, 2007 AT 6:00 P.M.

Most of the people who ask me these questions are lawyers, who should know better, but are seemingly suffering from some form of post traumatic stress syndrome and have blocked out their own bar exam experiences. I can only hope this will happen to me...

I Threw Up In My Mouth A Little...

2007-03-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Mother of God. The State Bar of California has released the questions on the bar exam that I just took in February. As I read it over, I could feel the blood rushing from my head and I think I threw up a little in my mouth. I knew I should have gone to beauty school.

If anyone out there wants to read the bar exam questions and consequently thank god above for steering you in a different professional direction, be my guest....

http://www.calbar.ca.gov/calbar/pdfs/admissions/GBX/G0702-Selected-Questions.pdf

And anyone who tries to tell me that the test was easy or that those essays were no problem, or that the performance exams were straightforward and "simple"....CAN SUCK IT!

No Benefits Yet!!

2007-03-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

I do not qualify for benefits until May 1....and I don't get my packet until then either!!! WTF!!! That sucks!!!

Seriously!

2007-03-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Chief Medical Correspondent on CNN this week proclaimed that fat men are happier than their leaner counterparts. It was a fun little piece and the doctor was chuckling as he explained that now its ok for men down a couple more beers, crunch on some more chips and salsa because it can only make them happier!

Seriously? What a crock of shit. Think it works that way for women? Hell no. How can fat men be happier? Don't they worry about looking good for women? Or beating out the competition for said women? Why aren't they worried, as women are, that they will not be desirable to the opposite sex?

Are women so desperate to get a man that our standards are significantly lower than men's? We will take a man, any man, whether they are heavy or not, healthy or not? What that means is that men do not have to deal with the pressure women have to deal with in terms of appealing to the opposite sex. They don't have to care about how they look because someone will want them. Especially if they get a paycheck and have a high sperm count.

Because believe me, and you heard it here first, fat women are not happier. They are hungry. And hungry women are bitchy. But how great would it be if we lived in some alternate universe where the men significantly outnumbered women and men were so desperate to find a woman that they would do anything to set themselves apart from the other men.

Picture two men, sweating away on a treadmill, over-analyzing every bite they took the day before, crying about how the scale is just not budging and if only they could get rid of those last five pounds, Anna in accounting would be a sure thing. Then picture them at lunch, skipping the Guacamole Burger with fries, instead choosing the garden salad with organic grilled chicken breast with the non-fat peppercorn ranch dressing. No beer, but diet ice tea with lemon. Yum.

Bachelor #1: "Do these shorts make my butt look fat?"

Bachelor #2: "Of course not! You can totally tell that you've lost weight!"

Bachelor #1: "You really think so? That is so sweet of you to notice. Think Anna will notice? I got these new pants for our date that are supposed to be slimming through the thighs, I hope they work. We are going out Saturday and I am not eating one more calorie till then!"

Bachelor #2: "Oh, she will totally notice. I got these new appetite suppressants, I will give you some to try; they are supposed to help you lose five pounds in three days! Let's do 30 more minutes of cardio; I had 2 brownie bites last night!"

The above is a small fantasy I have entertained for awhile now, usually when I am sweating away on the treadmill, looking around at all the other women doing the same thing. The best part of this little fantasy is when Bachelor #1 and Anna from accounting are on their date...

Anna: "I will have the Guacamole Burger, with extra cheese, the curly fries and a Guinness. I am starving!"

Bachelor #1: "I will have a side salad and a glass of water with lemon."

For Those of You That Want a Little Taste of the Bar...

2007-03-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Check out this truly horrifying account of one man's experience taking the February bar exam. From what I understand, he is a little bit older, like me and is an experienced paralegal. He was also a second time taker.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

http://february2007californiabarexaminat.blogspot.com/

Are You Kidding Me?!?!?

2007-03-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have to wait till WEDNESDAY to get my benefits package. I guess I will have to reschedule some of those damn appointments. It's killing me!!

But seriously, I was so happy to get up and go to work today. I had my little coffee mug all ready to go!! I am now a functioning member of society!

I am trying not to think about the bar exam or being a lawyer.

I am happy with my cubicle. I have lots of natural light. Do I really need to be a lawyer? How sad when you realize after spending an unholy amount of money on law school and the bar exam, that you are really content being Dilbert in a cubicle.

Gotta go pick out my outfit for work tomorrow...got the whole, "it's my first day, so I gotta wear a suit" thing out of the way, now on to the cute clothes!

Pap Smear, Anyone??

2007-03-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

You know you are old when the most exciting aspect of a new job is the benefits package. Of course, I am really just thrilled to be getting a regular paycheck, so when I go shopping, I can justify my purchases by saying, "Oh, it's okay..I got paid today!"

My first day at my new job is Monday. I can't wait for that fat packet of forms wherein I can pick my medical, dental, vision, 401K and flex plan benefits. Is there a company life insurance policy? Long term disability? Long term care? I feel fairly comfortable blaming my family for my obsession with insurance. Over half the people I am related to have careers in or about the insurance industry. I paid attention and now I am obsessed. I do have benefits now, through my husband, but they are expensive and besides, when you get new coverage you can just dive right in to all the things you have to wait for with your existing plan. Like Pap smears. First on my list!

With new benefits, there are certain things that I look for, for example, can I get new glasses? Do they cover LASIK surgery? (I really hate the marks that my glasses make on the bridge of my nose; it messes up my makeup, but I digress...) Is there chiropractic coverage? How much are the co-pays? Do they cover physical therapy, because if they do, and something hurts me, maybe they will cover massages? I am keeping hope alive on that one. Do they cover any plastic surgery procedures at all? Because, if it is covered, and it is cosmetic, I am getting it, regardless whether I need it or not. I just KNOW they are going to cover Botox one of these days. And last, but not least, I always, without fail, look to see if they cover gastric bypass surgery.

No, I am not that overweight, and no self-respecting, licensed doctor would perform the surgery on me. But still. I like to know that the option is available for me if I end up losing the battle with Rocky Road. It could happen and that is no joke. Plus, they are coming up with all these little variations on gastric bypass that are less invasive and for less overweight people. I will also look to see if they cover a weight-loss camp or resort, like on The Biggest Loser. I would love to be on that show, and in fact, I wanted to go to one of the auditions, but it was the week before the bar exam and I figured that was probably not a good use of my time in the final days before the bar exam.

And do not even get me started on prescription coverage. Did you know that you can go online with whatever health coverage you have and they will have a list of all medications that they cover? I LOVE IT!! Better living through chemistry. There might be something I need or want to go on, and I need to know if it is covered. Pills are good.

My husband should prepare himself, because if it works out that I end up covering him, I am going to drag him to all sorts of appointments too. New glasses, physical, cholesterol check, and whatever the male equivalent of a Pap smear is. At what age do you start with colonoscopies and mammograms?!?!?! Sign us up!

It is the same with dental coverage. I need to know if they cover Valium and/or laughing gas because if they don't, I will never go to the dentist again. I do not give a shit if all my teeth fall out my head. I will be a lawyer, so I can just buy new ones.

The fact that I am so focused on the benefits, yet failed to ask about the vacation plan or policy does not escape me. As long as I have doctors and pills, who needs vacation?!?!!?

12 Step Program for Paralegals.

2007-03-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

Several of the bloggers I read that are in the same situation as myself have decided to pursue career opportunities outside of the legal field. Amen to that. I cannot speak for them, but let me just tell you how pissed off I was that I had to take that damn test again. And that I may have to take it yet again. The first time, I did everything I was supposed to do; I took Barbri, 2 PMBR courses, planned, organized, followed the Barbri schedule to a T, got a new computer so the old one wouldn't blow up during the exam, got everywhere early, etc., etc., etc. And I failed. I am bitter. The Bitter Blonde Blogger.

Consequently, I don't want to go anywhere near a law firm ever again. I do not want to be a lawyer or practice law or do anything hard that makes my head hurt and gives me stomach aches. Oh please, it's not like lawyers are happy people that stop and smell the roses. A lot of laywers I know are intense, mean, anger balls that are one alimony payment away from financial ruin and one Big Mac away from a heart attack. I mean, deciding NOT to work in the legal field after you have taken the bar twice, are mentally, spiritually and financially bankrupt, and generally want to stab the fuckwits that passed the first time, is not really that shocking is it?

But here is my problem. What else am I going to do? I am a paralegal. I am old. I have been doing this a long time. I can make a decent amount of money. There are a million things I would love to do, but those jobs will not pay the student loans I incurred to get my law degree.

I would love to work at a day spa, where everything smells nice and people whisper. I would love to work at the Coach store so I can get the discount. I would love to work at the MAC counter, except for that whole you-have-to-be-21-and-hot thing. I would love to work the front office at a plastic surgeon's office. FREE BOTOX!! Seriously, that is something worth pursuing right there. A lot of offices are open on Saturdays now, even if I do become a lawyer, I could do several hours on a Saturday morning to get that nice, expressionless look! All these jobs are fun and happy and the people are hot and you can play good music and go to Starbucks every half hour.

But alas, I am a paralegal. That is all I know how to do, so I am stuck. So, I think I am going to found PA, or Paralegals Anonymous. Hi. My Name is Blonde Blogger. And I am a Paralegal.

And.....I'm Back!

2007-03-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

Thank God it's over! I have never been so relieved in my life. I have to say, with some degree of certainty, that I am never taking that test again. I am too old, and it will be too hard on my psyche to be an unemployed student again. Speaking of unemployed......

I had a job interview on Friday morning AFTER THE BAR, at 9:45 a.m. I am proud to say that I showed up in a suit looking all bright and shiny, ready to go. It went very well, I thought. I then headed out of town with my perfect husband and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Later that day, I got a message letting me know that my interview had, in fact, gone well, and that they are "putting together an offer." Given the negative downward spiral I was stuck in for the last two weeks, those are some of the sweetest words I have ever heard. Yippee!!

So, I am back, and I have so much to talk about! However, bar takers, I will not be discussing the substantive content of the bar exam here. There are plenty of sites that have excruciating post-mortems designed to defile and discourage you. This is not one of them. The bar exam sucked hard and its over.

Now I can get down to talking about the stuff I really want to talk about! Shoes, movies, ridiculous professional athletes, and of course, the antics of Britney, Lindsay, et al.

Bar Exam Review Class: $3,500.00
Dollars Spent at Starbucks Studying for the Bar: $117.62
Losing 15 lbs. while Studying for the Bar: PRICELESS

It's About That Time.....

2007-02-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

All righty then. I'm out. I am in the zone and won't be online until after the bar. I am sure I will have some great stories about some of the stuff I see at the bar exam!

I am spending the weekend after the bar out of town with my perfect husband...but I will be back on Monday with a vengeance!

To all bar takers: May the Force be With You!

I Should Probably Be Studying......

2007-02-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

BUT THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T KILL MEREDITH ON GREY'S ANATOMY!! Oh, and Denny, the wonderful Denny was on to guide Meredith back to life. LOVE Denny, he is the best one that has ever been on that show. What a relief that Meredith's bitchy mother has gone on to meet her maker and please, will someone, hopefully Callie, BITCH SLAP Izzie?? That would be hot! Callie would kick her whiny, butter-eating ass!

Grey's Anatomy was all I could think about yesterday. I am sure my husband would be thrilled to hear that. Oh, and whether or not I should buy some long underwear to wear under my clothes at the bar. I am going to be in a large convention center and I fear I am going to freeze my ass off. I can't wear a hat, or gloves, so I better pile on the layers.

Ok, back to Evidence......after I go to Target for some long johns!!

I "Assaulted" a Grandma today.

2007-02-20T18:06:00.000-08:00

It seems I had a minor incident at the public library today.

It is literally one week before the bar exam, and I must say, I am kicking ass and taking names. I have had 4 days in a row where I have completed my daily schedule for that day. I am in "final review" and let's be clear, that is no small task. I find it amazing that I am able to stay on task with all the juicy current events going on. Anna Nicole! Tim Hardaway! BRITNEY SPEARS! I cannot type fast enough.

But, just like the Banshee incident I described in my post, Scarred for Life, another unfortunate individual has decided to test my mettle. Instead of a lunatic crumbsnatcher, it was a little old lady. Yes, a grandma, complete with blue helmet hair she hasn't washed in a week and Easy Spirit walking shoes.

So, Granny-gate went down like this. I was humming along, reviewing Constitutional Law, right on schedule, pleasantly surprised that I was not, in fact, freezing my ass off as I normally do in this godforsaken arctic circle I call a public library. I was in my normal spot, THE QUIET STUDY AREA, near the periodicals and far, far away from CrumbSnatcher Land, when I hear a cell phone ring. The ring tone was The Battle Hymn of the Republic. All righty then. Grandma answers her phone and carries on what appears to be a conversation with her daughter that makes two things crystal clear to me: 1) Grandma has newly acquired said cell phone and 2) Grandma is frighteningly hard of hearing.

Ok, but she is cute in her little purple sweat suit and Easy Spirits reading about Britney in US Weekly. How cute that she is actually able to see, let alone work properly, the key pad on a cell phone the size of a plum. I do yoga breaths and let it go.

Then it happens again. Apparently her son heard from her daughter that Grandma got a new cell phone.

And then it happens again. Another daughter. Mine eyes have NOT seen the glory of this particular situation.

Yoga breaths are no longer working for me and I have no readily available narcotics or depressants on me. Damn. (Note to self: must bring Vicodin to library.)

When child number four calls to chat with Grandma, I can feel it. Something inside me snaps and I decide to cut out the worthless middle man that is the library clerk and go directly to the source of my pain. As Grandma gets off the phone, I walk up to her and as I have previously been put on notice of her lack of auditory perception, I speak very closely and very slowly to her and tell her that this is a public library and that she is sitting perilously close to the QUIET STUDY AREA and that she needs to take that thing outside, turn her ringer off or put it on vibrate as some of us ARE TRYING TO STUDY!!!!!

I know, I know, this sounds harsh, but it was better than what I really wanted to say, which was, "Turn that thing off before I shove it up your ass!" That would be decidedly rude as well as bad karma, so I controlled myself.

Assault, according to the State of California, is intentionally placing a person in reasonable apprehension of an immediate harmful or offensive touching. So calm down, I didn't touch her or commit a battery, which would be an intentional harmful or offensive touching. I think I may have scared her because she looked at me with her lower lip quivering, and agreed to take the chit chat outside.

Since I have chosen this blog, a "public forum" so to speak, to defile both children and the elderly, I fear my political aspirations are a thing of the past. Tune in tomorrow for my post entitled, "I Hate Animals and Don't Recycle."

Legally Blonde The Musical!

2007-02-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

I went to see Legally Blonde The Musical today in San Francisco and I have to say, it was the BEST study break in the world!!

It was hysterical and fast paced and really a lot of fun. The performers had beautiful voices and there were several really great song and dance numbers. I was wondering how they were going to pull this off, how was this going to translate to a play? Well, no one took themselves too seriously, they looked like they were having a great time, and the funny updated pop culture references made it seem new and fresh. And the costumes were great; bright pink dresses and sparkly heels, Juicy Couture Sweats, and Ugg boots.

Even the men loved it! The crowd was pretty diverse, men of all ages, and of course, a lot of young girls. I think I was the only adult that bought a t-shirt! I wanted to get the CD, but it won't be released until they open the play on Broadway in April, so I guess I will have to wait. There was considerable laughter from the audience and Laura Bell Bundy, who played Elle Woods, received a standing ovation.

Of course, the story is the same with a little more emphasis on the Emmett/Elle romance. Warner is still an ass, Vivian and Elle become fast friends, Callahan is a pig and Emmett is the hero. It almost made me want to be a lawyer again...

If I were Queen for a Day!

2007-02-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

Since I am now in pre-bar exam panic, I really should be getting to the library. But, I was a good girl this morning and went to the gym and while I was going to town on the elliptical trainer, I watched the news. I feel like I could write endlessly about all the ridiculous goings-on in the world. Not a good way to start the day, especially when today is Community Property and Torts final review day.

I hope this doesn't come off like a Hardaway-esque diabtribe, but I have a bit of a rant about the criminal justice system to get out of the way today so I can move on to the studying. (Ranting about criminal justice = studying for the bar! Go, me!!)

Troy Ellerman, a Colorado attorney that represented various individuals in the BALCO scandal, plead guilty to obstruction of justice for leaking grand jury testimony and is trying to get the prosecutor to agree to two years in prison and a $250,000 fine. He will also likely be disbarred.

Hilda Figueroa, a 30-year-old Redwood City woman who disposed of her newborn baby in a dumpster last year also cut a deal with the prosecutor. She faces one year in prison and 4 years probation after lying to authorities that she gave birth to a stillborn that she flushed down the toilet. The coroner's report showed that the child was born alive; the baby was found in a dumpster wrapped in plastic. Oh yeah, and she has to do some mandatory counseling. She plead no contest to one count of child endangerment.

AS IF THAT WEREN'T VILE ENOUGH, THIS CANDIDATE FOR MOTHER-OF-THE-YEAR IS PREGNANT AGAIN AND WILL GIVE BIRTH IN JULY WHILE SERVING HER SENTENCE FOR KILLING THE FIRST ONE.

Hold the phone, Batman. What??? Words fail me. Really. And that never happens.

Troy Ellerman broke the law and what he did was unethical, deceitful, and compromised the rights of his clients, as well as other individuals involved in the BALCO case. He deserves to be punished, as well as disbarred. His credibility is shot, he clearly has no respect for the law or the rules of professional responsibility to which he i sbound, and should probably consider gainful employment at Taco Bell. But more likely, he will write a bestseller and join Mark Furhman in exile someplace where no one watches baseball. He is an embarrassment to the profession and I can't wait for the newest onslaught of lawyer jokes. BUT HE IS NOT A BABY KILLER.

The baby killer gets one year. And another baby. She plead out to one count of child endangerment. How much more endangered can a child be?? The outrageous incongruence of these two cases astounds me. Before I embark on an irrational, emotional tirade, (clearly a departure from my everyday rational demeanor, ha!) I am just going to say that I hope there is more to this story than I got from the news this morning; I hope she is mentally ill or was strung out on drugs or that she had some other type of watershed event or circumstance that might provide some clarity on how someone could commit this type of crime. It would certainly make this ridiculous sentence more palatable.

Maybe I still do want more out of my legal career than just a door and air-conditioning. HHmmmm, better get to the library!!

I'll Have What She's Having.....

2007-02-15T08:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for the last couple days because, frankly, I have been absolutely riveted by the unmitigated mess that surrounds the death of Anna Nicole. How did that woman have enough energy to have on-going sexual relationships with all those men? I can barely make it to the gym and then to the library in the same day. She was a model, actress (to use the term loosely) mother, girlfriend, and sexual partner to at least 4 different men, all the while grieving for her son. She even managed to get in a couple suicide attempts. Good god! I have no job, no children, just one husband/sexual partner and generally, nothing to do on a daily basis other than study for the bar exam and I can barely make it through the day. It is a damn good day if I get half of my to-do list done. What the hell is in that Trimspa anyway? Crack? Speed? I'll take it! What the hell, I have already been deemed "morally competent" to practice law in the state of California!

Let's take a poll or get together a pool to guess who will be Dannielynn's father. Larry Birkhead is my vote:

I know the picture of the baby is kind of small, but really, how can ya miss the pug nose? That girl is a Birkhead. She is not a fake princess belonging to Prince Cheat On My Sick Wife, who is married to Zsa Zsa Gabor. Nor does she belong to Howard K. Stern. That man just needs to give up the fight and go back to work. He better hope he isn't next! People are dropping like flies down there in the Bahamas, I hope he has an ambulance on stand-by!

BUT, here is my favorite story of the day, not that Tim Hardaway hating gays and Guiliani's "weirdness factor" aren't total gems that I could pontificate on all day. Get ready for it, because it is yet another Constitutional Law lesson.

They kicked a Playboy Bunny out of the military.

Mother of God. Seriously? THIS is what the Air Force is concerning itself with these days?? This is from http://www.foxnews.com/:

SAN ANTONIO — An Air Force drill sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been removed from active duty, she said Wednesday.

Whether that amounts to an honorable discharge, as Michelle Manhart also says, is unclear. Manhart, who appeared in a six-page spread in Playboy's February issue, said she got word Friday that she was removed from "extended active duty" and was also told that she was demoted in rank from staff sergeant to senior airman.

Manhart, a 30-year-old mother of two, said the military's action against her hinged on the fact that she was pictured in the magazine wearing her uniform. She was photographed in uniform yelling and holding weapons under the headline "Tough Love." The following pages showed her partially clothed wearing dog tags while working out, as well as completely nude. After the pictorial hit newsstands in January, Manhart was relieved of her duties pending an investigation. Manhart said she was given a letter of reprimand in late January, told not to talk to the media and that an "unfavorable information file" was established on her. Her husband is also in the military.

Once again, the military is missing a valuable marketing opportunity. A poster of Miss February in her dog tags and birthday suit will have young men lined up around to the corner to serve their country. What more could a young soldier ask for?? 3 hots and a cot, a hummer, big, loud weapons... and all with a Bunny by his side? We could have this whole Iraq mess put to bed before the 4th of July. Instead of the counter-intuitive "Army of One" campaign, the new slogan could be "Be ALL That You Can Be...With A Playboy Bunny!" or "Not All Female Soldiers Look Like Lynndie England!"

Now for the Constitutional Law discussion...why was she removed from active duty?

Was she discriminated against because of her hot body? Hhhmmmm... possibly only the rational basis test wherein the Bunny will have to prove that the military's actions are not rationally related to a legitimate government interest. She is going to have an uphill battle on that one. I am sure we can all agree that the government has a legitimate interest in their soldiers keeping their clothes on and staying focused on the job at hand.

Discriminated against due to her gender? Gender is only a quasi-suspect class and the government will be charged with proving that removing her from active duty is substantially related to an important government interest. The fact that her male counterparts may not be able to operate their weapons properly in her presence might make their case.

Ha!! I got it!!! That whole free speech, freedom of expression and freedom of association thing! Fundamental rights have to survive strict scrutiny! If Miss February asserts a cause of action that her First Amendment rights have been impinged, the government will have the burden of proving that their actions are necessary to achieve a compelling government interest. The government has only been able to withstand strict scrutiny ONCE. In light of the fact that there is likely not a military base barrack anywhere that is not completely decorated with Playboy posters, magazine and certerfolds, I fail to see how the military is going to pull that one off. Talk about a content-based restriction!

Sadly, my Constitutional Law lesson is going to fall on deaf ears, because Miss February is not bothered by her current fall from grace, let alone moved to pursue legal action. She is currently pursuing a modeling and acting career and claims to be "happy and moving on with my life."

I am sure she just wants to achieve world peace through her modeling and entertainment career.......I can see it now......

"Miss February goes from Boot Camp to Bunny Camp! Next Season on The Girls Next Door!"

SO.....In Light of Recent Developments....

2007-02-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

Let's all watch The View tomorrow!

It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This!

2007-02-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

This totally adds credit to my theory on the baby's daddy's fighting for the little princess......now someone else wants in on the action.....

From Yahoo News:

LOS ANGELES - The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor said Friday that he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and may be her infant daughter's father. The claim by Prince Frederick von Anhalt comes amid a paternity suit over Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn. The birth certificate lists Dannielynn's father as attorney Howard K. Stern, but former Smith boyfriend Larry Birkhead is waging a legal challenge, saying he is the father.

OMG!!! Celebrity Death Match Over Baby Dannielynn!!! I couldn't think this shit up!

Out of Respect for The Blonde and Busty...

2007-02-09T10:11:00.000-08:00

I shall reserve comment on the passing of the dearly departed Anna Nicole until the autopsy report is released. But I can't wait to see what antics Baby's Daddy #1 and Baby's Daddy #2 are going to pull in trying to determine paternity of the baby.

When you think about it...this is huge. This is way more that just wanting to have custody of the baby and enjoy 15 more minutes of fame. I wonder if Anna Nicole's estate will be able to continue her action to receive her share of her late husband's fortune, which I believe is somewhere in the ball park of $80 million dollars? Since her son died, and the ridiculous faux-wedding of Anna Nicole and her lawyer Howard K. Stern is not legally recognized in the United States, baby Danielynn is her sole heir at law. Which could potentially make Danielynn worth $80 million dollars. Assuming Anna Nicole's suit for the money is not moot. HHmmmmm, I would probably know the answer to these questions if I actually were a lawyer.

So, since baby Danielynn is potentially rolling in it, Larry and Howie are likely gonna take off the gloves and thrown down to get full custody of this baby and all of her money. Talk about Baby Mama Drama!

So, boys and girls, that concludes your Wills and Trusts, Community Property and Constitutional law lessons for today.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.....read this article about Kim Kardashian. http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=9f4c31df-593b-4357-a7ab-494ce429da1d

Kim Kardashian (on the right) is the daughter of the late Robert Kardashian, who was one of the members of The Dream Team, O.J.'s defense counsel. She has apparently brought suit to halt the distribution of a sex tape made while she was with her ex-boyfriend, rapper Ray-J.

NOTE TO HOT CHICKS WHO RUN AROUND NAKED AND VIDEOTAPE THEMSELVES HAVING SEX: If you don't want your naked ass shown on the internet and someone else to profit from it...don't tape yourself having sex!!!!! Or, do what Pam and Tommy did and cut a deal with the distributor for a slice of the profits. God Bless America!

Houston? We Have a Problem, and She is Wearing Pampers.

2007-02-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

Do not even get me started on this ridiculous, diaper-wearing, psycho astronaut. She has managed to make educated, intelligent women look like guests on the Maury Povich show. For all that women like Hillary and Condi are doing to portray women in a strong positive light, (regardless of how you feel about their politics) women like Captain Pampers here are making us look like unbridled disasters prone to histrionics. Emotional, hormonal disasters who are willing to throw away a distinguished career driving around the Space Shuttle...FOR A MAN!!

And where is the fantastic Captain HotPants these days? Have we heard from him? What exactly does he have to say for having a relationship with not one, but two women in the Space Program? There are only roughly 100 astronauts in the program in the United States. I have no idea how many of that 100 are women, but I would guess not very many. And he has to bang TWO of them? Both Nowak and Shipman claim to be having a "relationship" with him. I wonder what he would call it? "A Booty Call Out Of This World?" Literally. Can you have sex with zero gravity?

Here is my advice to Captain Hotpants: The astronaut schtick is gonna work for you. Really, you won't even have to try very hard. Go hang out in one of the little bars where tanorexic, silicone bunnies are jumping around to the latest Justin Timberlake, throw on your NASA jacket with your Top Gun shades and you could be blastin' off before last call. Leave the smart chicks in charge of driving around the 9 bazillion dollar Space Shuttle alone! They need to concentrate!

Nowak has a degree from the U.S Naval Academy in Aeronautical Engineering. I don't even know what that is or what it means, but I know it's hella hard and you have to be hella smart. Yet, here she is trying to off another smart chick because she wants Captain Hotpants. He is not worth it, my friend...go home with your special little ankle bracelet, take a breather, take care of your kids (because you know her kids are horrified to see the psycho-looking mugshot of her that they have on constant feed on CNN) and try to remember that you are more than what a man thinks of you.

And quit making even the smart chicks look bad!!!

No, Tyra, Kiss MY Fat Ass!!

2007-02-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

Have you all seen this? This is Tyra's little meltdown about how the media thinks she's fat and is sssoooo mean and if she didn't have such healthy self-esteem she would be starving herself right now. Poor thing. The media takes unflattering pictures of her. And publishes them. Boo frickin' hoo.

If I wasn't studying for the bar, I might have some sympathy. No one wants to be told they are fat, let alone have really shitty pictures plastered all over the place. I get it. The media wants everyone to be skinny and perpetuates eating disorders and society's unending love affair with size 0. No, it's not healthy and women suffering from low self-esteem are vulnerable to the media's influence and will eventually succumb to an eating disorder. Yada, yada, yada.

Tyra, SHUT UP!! I have read about this crap in the news everyday for a least a week. No one really thinks you are fat and if you really have such great self-esteem WHY ARE YOU CRYING ON NATIONAL TV TELLING PEOPLE TO KISS YOUR FAT ASS?!?!?! I contend that if your ass were, in fact, actually fat, you would not be in such a hurry to vote yourself Queen of the Fat Asses Standing Up For Fat Asses Everywhere. As a fat ass myself, I don't need you standing up for me!

Don't we have more interesting things going on? We are still at war, right? I am usually not into watching that on the news either, but it's better than watching Whiny Fat Ass cry on TV. Isn't Gavin Newsome's affair more interesting than this?

And since I am actually studying for the bar exam, I will put this in a legal context for you. Tyra, YOU ARE A PUBLIC FIGURE. You have thrust yourself into the public eye, and in fact, have made millions doing it. You have no reasonable expectation of privacy in any picture taken of you anywhere in public at any time. Not even unflattering ones of you in an ugly bathing suit on vacation. You have spent the majority of your career being photographed in varying stages of undress and NOW you don't want your picture taken? Good God woman, stay your fat ass at home, take your show off the air, be a regular nobody fat ass and then you can sue the media outlets for invasion of privacy, intentional infliction emotional distress, defamation, false light and various other tort causes of action.

So, boys and girls, there is your Torts and Constitutional Law lesson for the day.

Now, this is just wrong....

2007-02-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

Apparently, there are some people who disagree with the advice I gave Hillary to show a little more skin. In case you can't read it, the sign at KFC says:

"Hillary Special: 2 Fat Thighs with Small Breast and A Left Wing."

Now, this is funny, but really, why do we need to put the "F" word in there? What-EVER! Just like I couldn't care less what "fat" Rosie says on that daily suckfest, The View, I don't care that Tyra Banks is supposedly fat (WTF??) and I don't care that Hillary has fat thighs!

Hillary is damned if she is and damned if she isn't. Everyone, especially Ann Coulter, thinks she is fat, but is anyone going to vote for her if she is built like Anna Nicole Smith? Would anyone take her seriously? Hell, no. So, she might as well enjoy the Twinkies!!

I Just Want A Door.

2007-01-30T17:42:00.000-08:00

I have a background in law enforcement and always wanted to go to law school to be a prosecutor. I wanted to put all the drug dealers away and castrate the rapists and pedophiles. I always believed that I would be in a courtroom, with Benson and Stabler sitting behind me, fighting the good fight. Conversely, I thought I could get really good trial experience if I worked for the public defenders office. They are so backlogged I could be handling a murder trial in 6 months (scary if you are a felon in need of a public defender!) These are the things I used to tell people when they asked why I wanted to go to law school. Now, when people ask me why I went to law school I say that I went to law school to get a better paying job so I can afford plastic surgery. People laugh, like it's a joke.

Slowly, but surely, all my lofty goals and aspirations have been beaten out of me. Reality has set in. I am tired. Tired of studying and trying to understand concepts that often elude me. I no longer want to change the world, make a change or create new and exciting law. Failing the bar has made my goals abundantly clear. I just want an air-conditioned office with a door. Benson and Stabler can fight the good fight without me.

You Can Be An Asshole too!

2007-01-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - William Shakespeare, Henry VI

The quote above is, I believe, what started the backlash against lawyers. Back then, I think you could get hanged for being able to read and write. No one likes lawyers except other lawyers (and even that is doubtful) and people who are married to them that are, quite frankly, living in fear. I did a Yahoo search for "lawyer jokes" and this is what I got:

1 - 10 of about 5,980,000 for lawyer jokes

There are roughly 5.9 million websites for lawyer jokes. Everyone thinks lawyers are assholes. Because lawyers ARE assholes and here's why:

They have to take a class to take a test to even get into law school. This is where the spending begins. The smart ones stop here and marry rich.

Lawyers then spend the next three or four years enduring the Socratic method of teaching, which, for those of you who don't know, is where you are randomly called on in class to brief a case that you were supposed to read. Then, when you do exactly that, the professor will publicly humiliate you by asking you rapid fire questions that even he doesn't know the answer to. He will then drill you about the dissent. The dissent? The dissent is the opinion of the justices WHO DIDN'T WIN. Who gives a shit what they think and why even read it? Then, after you are thoroughly confused as to what the holding was and what the dissent was, the professor goes in for the kill and asks you how YOU would have decided the case. There is no right answer to this question and you will wish you had never been born.

If Mommy and Daddy are not footing the bill, law school is hella expensive. The books are even worse and it is the same shit as in college; the professor authors the book that he requires for his class, there are no used copies and then, at the end of the semester when you go to sell it back, he decides to publish a new edition so THE ONE YOU SPENT $95.00 ON IS NOW WORTH .87 CENTS. Like HE needs any more frickin' money, as you spend your .87 cents on Top Ramen.

Lawyers are ridiculed in law school for being nerds because they have to read instead of doing keg stands at the Kappa house. Today's Kappa Keg-Standers will be tomorrow's insolvent clients. Nice.

After a graduation that you don't remember because you were so excited to be out of law school you got drunk before the ceremony, you have to start studying for the bar exam. In California, this means you will be a mean, sleep-deprived, fat, over-caffeinated, stressed out, anger ball with the patience of a gnat. You will have to learn to answer multiple choice questions correctly THAT HAVE NO CORRECT ANSWER. The bar exam is a test about how to take a test. You may have every subject down cold, but alas, you still may fail.

And if you do fail, you will have to do the above all over again. The bar exam, like law school, is hella expensive. So are the all of the bar review courses. They give you brilliant little gems to cling to such as "get a lot of sleep the night before" or "remember, the bar starts on Tuesday, not Wednesday" and "stay healthy and take vitamins." Then they regale you with hilarious anecdotes about the girl who fell in the shower and hit her head and took the bar concussed. And passed. Or the guy who was so afraid of not being able to sleep, he took five narcotic sleeping pills in a six hour period. And passed. These stories are a total riot when you are studying the first time. They take on a whole new meaning when it dawns on you that brain-damaged drug addicts passed the bar and you didn't.

I could go on forever. But the reasons set forth above are why lawyers are assholes. I will proudly be one as well. They deserve to be a little angry. They are in debt and trying to lose the bar weight. If you had to do all of this crap, you would be an asshole too.

But, as it turns out, the world thinks everyone else is an asshole as well. Here are the other Yahoo searches I conducted for jokes relating to various other fields:

1 - 10 of about 476,000 for accountant jokes

1 - 10 of about 7,490,000 for teacher jokes

1 - 10 of about 278,000 for firefighter jokes

1 - 10 of about 5,610,000 for doctor jokes

Everyone loves firefighters and accountants. Doctors hand out drugs so I see how people like doctors better than lawyers. But the teachers???? 7.4 million jokes about teachers. Can you imagine if I said, "First thing we do, let's kill all the teachers"? Then I would really be an asshole.

The Good Barbie.

2007-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

A lot of people, mostly feminists, have a problem with Barbie as a role model for young girls. I can see their point, with her anatomically impossible proportions, the Barbie Dreamhouse, the Barbie Dreamcar, etc. It might give girls the notion that as long as you are cute and skinny and blonde, then life will be full of great houses, cars and of course, men. It also might give young girls the idea that in order to have a fulfilling life, you need to have all these perfect, beautiful accoutrement's and a hot man to take care of you. Anything short of that will surely lead to a substandard existence.

But I think some Barbie's today are better than others in terms of providing a positive role model for girls. When I was growing up, I had regular Barbie's, with regular clothes, roller skates and a blow up swimming pool. Some of today's Barbie's are a little scary for me. Exhibit A:

WTF??? A NASCAR Barbie?? This particular Barbie comes complete with a monosyllabic, beer gut-having, Jaeger shot-doing, shotgun-toting, squirrel-hunting, 7th grade drop out boyfriend named Cooter, who is also her 1st cousin. They do not live in The Barbie Dreamhouse, but in The Barbie Double-Wide, with a hound dog and a 1973 pickup in the front yard that is inexplicably missing an engine. Oh wait, Cooter sold the engine to Bubba next door for some chewing tobacco. I don't know about you, but I think today's young women can aspire to more out of life than a dreary existence skinning squirrels and other rodents not fit for actual human consumption and nursing babies in bars. Consider Exhibit B:

Ahhhh, that's more like it. A nice, polite, educated, pink suit-wearing, manners-having, dog-toting, professional Barbie, who vigorously defends wrongfully-accused, former aerobics instructor sorority sisters and pushes through legislation for safe cosmetics testing. All of our daughters should be so successful! Her boyfriend might be a judge, senator, or lobbyist and he is bright enough to see past the shiny pink exterior and realize that she has a brilliant legal mind like a steel trap. This Barbie's boyfriend does not own any self-made hunting rifles, nor does he eat chicken-fried rodent.

So, not all Barbie's are bad role models, just some of them. I think the people over at Mattel need some fresh blood to keep the creative juices going because I fear we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here. How about President-Elect Barbie? Senator Barbie? Speaker of the House Barbie? Supreme Court Justice Barbie? All the little girls can hold senatorial hearings and practice their State of the Union addresses instead of just picking out a matching bra and panty set (although, I contend matching is important...starts the day off organized!)

I think I am going to email some suggestions for new Barbie's to Mattel. My first one is Unemployed Psycho Bitch Barbie Taking the Bar For the Second Time. Would you buy her? She has bad roots, she is a little heavier than the other Barbie's, she is a bit crabby, and she spends a lot of money, but she can analyze a negligence claim like NO other Barbie can!

Viagra - Free Gift with Purchase!

2007-01-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

An article was brought to my attention yesterday by my husband's friends, that said that The Aids Healthcare Foundation is suing the pharmaceutical behemoth Pfizer Inc. for promoting the recreational use of Viagra, resulting in an increase in sexually transmitted diseases, including, but not limited to, HIV/AIDS. It was originally posted on http://www.cnn.com/ but I also found it at http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/809740/viagra_advertising_lawsuit__aids_healthcare_foundation_hosts_nyc_press/index.html?source=r_health. Here is an excerpt:

"We are filing this lawsuit today to seek an injunction against Pfizer to force it to stop advertising this prescription medication in the reckless manner it has been doing, and to require Pfizer to undertake an immediate public information/education campaign to both inform members of the general public as to its prior advertising practices, and to educate the public, and in particular, men who have sex with men, about the increased risks of transmission of sexually transmitted diseases associated with using Pfizer's Viagra."

Another little tidbit:

"The promotion of Viagra for what some have called 'recreational use' must be stopped."

That last quote prompted a friend of my husband's to send an email to all of their friends asking, "Is there a NON-recreational use for Viagra???" (I picture this group of educated, highly intelligent, professional men sitting at their desks snickering, as I fear they are all just cleverly disguised horny 13 year old boys!)

Based on what I read in the article, I am certain there is a non-recreational use for Viagra. If your soldier cannot stand at attention on his own, it becomes a serious, non-recreational activity to get him back on active duty!! It just might be a matter of national security. However, if your soldier can stand at attention on his own, and is just too lazy to do so, or wants to stand at attention for hours on end while enduring heart palpitations and seeing a foggy blue haze, then it is deemed "recreational" use.

I, of course, have an answer to the problems associated with the recreational use of Viagra. What if Viagra came with a free gift with purchase, similar to those offered by Lancome or Estee Lauder or any of the other cosmetics counters? Free gift: box of condoms! Buy a bottle of Viagra and get a free 1 month supply of Trojans, in a cute little makeup bag with a complimentary compact mirror and comb! Everyone would be happy!! All soldiers in need of extra motivation, recreationally or otherwise, can continue to use Viagra, while significantly reducing the amount of sexually transmitted diseases resulting from the use of Viagra! Brilliant!

For those of you who think I have veered tragically off the bar review path, fret not. As I was pondering the aforementioned issue, I reviewed several key subjects for the bar exam:

1. Constitutional Law - 1st Amendment, Prior restraints, Commercial speech, Standing
2. Civil Procedure - Jurisdiction, Venue
3. Corporations - Unlawful Business Practices, disgorgement
4. Remedies - Injunction, Inadequate legal remedy, Restitution

Not bad!

My Advice to Hilary.

2007-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

A woman is going to run for President of the United States. I wonder if things are a little icy down in hell today?

Regardless of how you feel about Hilary, the fact that a woman is running for President is a huge sign that times are changing. And if Barack Obama decides to run, everyone in Texas is going to tearily cling to their shotguns and pray for Armageddon! Ann Coulter is probably having an aneurysm right now. These events should make the next year and 10 months oh so interesting. And what a great time to be in law school! We endlessly fought about women running for president and it wasn't even a possibility then, I can hear the soapboxes being dragged out as I write this!

But Hilary, girl, I think you need a little help. A little help from a woman that doesn't know anything about politics or running for president, but knows a thing or two about men. According to The League of Men Voters (http://www.leagueofmenvoters.org/index.html) women are voting in larger numbers than men. Apparently, for every 100 male voters that take part in national elections, 115 women take part. HHHmmmm. This is great news for Hilary.

Women, in general, can be bitchy and catty. I think Hilary should concentrate on the male vote and with a few minor PR-type changes in her presentation, she can manipulate the male vote in her favor. Here is a list I have for Hilary with some suggestions for how to win the male vote:

10. Wear shorter skirts and get rid of the pants. Regardless of what Ann Coulter says about her calves, men like skin and they want to see it.

9. For the same reason listed above, show more cleavage; invest in a Wonderbra.

8. Go to a party at the Playboy Mansion. Make friends with The Girls Next Door.

7. Promise to declare the Monday after Superbowl Sunday a national holiday so no one has to go to work hungover.

6. DO NOT air your speeches, political campaign slogans, commercials or debates on any channel showing any sporting event ever.

5. Have Anheuser-Busch sponsor your campaign travel and have kegs at all your rallies and speeches.

4. While on said campaign trail, if you are in a city that has a professional sports team of any kind, wear that team's jersey while giving your speech. If that city has more than one professional team, make more than one speech!

3. Appear in a swimsuit (preferably one that is red, white and blue) on the cover of Maxim. Or Stuff. Or FHM. Or all three.

2. Promise to put the Texas Cattle Barons in charge of the White House Kitchen. Meat and potatoes for everyone!

And the number one piece of advice I would give Hilary to get men to vote for her is...

1. Grow your hair long. Doy.

Really, Hilary, you said on your website www.hillaryclinton.com that you are in it to win it. Then play the game by the rules that have been established since Adam gave up that rib. You are not a man, so don't try to be like one. Don't try and run for president and change how men view women in politics too. That is too much to do in one lifetime.

It is 12 Degrees In There!

2007-01-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

As some of the other bloggers out there studying for the bar will tell you, looking and feeling good is an important component of bar preparation. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to concentrate or retain significant amounts of material if you do not look or feel good. When I studied for the bar last time, I was a total mess. No makeup, sweats or shorts (it was usually about 100 degrees outside!) and my hair up in a knot on my head. I looked like shit and felt even worse. However, I just could not give up the 30 or 40 minutes of extra sleep. My husband continually told me I looked totally hot (back then, I thought he was exhibiting signs of early-early-onset Alzheimer's, but now I think it was just a thinly-veiled attempt to get me in the mood) but I felt like a dishrag.

Things are different now!! I am over it and am going to take on the bar looking good!! Hair (usually) done and makeup on!! I am up early and to the gym. Nails and toes are good! I am treating bar prep this time like a full time job; I wouldn't go to work in sweats without makeup, so why go to the library that way? Exactly!!

Which brings me to my next point; while I am feeling better about myself (self-confidence is crucial for the bar exam, after all!) and trying to be all cute and everything, the Bay Area is going through a cold spell and I am freezing my ass off. Apparently, my local library is trying to conserve energy or keep the PG&E bill down, because it is positively ARCTIC in there!

How am I supposed to be cute and confident when I look like the Michelin Man??? Here is what I wore to the library yesterday: tights under my jeans, jeans, two pairs of socks, tennis shoes, a tank top, a thermal long-sleeved top, an Old Navy fleece, my parka, gloves, scarf and hat. THIS IS CALIFORNIA! Are you kidding me with this, how am I supposed to feel like a hottie with all these clothes on? It took me a half hour every time I had to go to the bathroom. Even with all that, I still had to go to the bathroom every hour and run my hands under the hot water, because I can't type with my gloves on. I wonder if that would work as an excuse with my professor for not writing as much as I should, "I am sorry I don't have more essays to turn in, Mr. Bar Review Professor, it was too cold." Not so much.

So, Monday starts my quest for a kinder, gentler place to study. There are several other public library I can go to, so I may shop around. Maybe this just means that I need to buy more clothes! I wonder if there is a library near the mall...

Jackass: Part II

2007-01-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

I think Jackass is stalking me. I have seen him twice in the last week, not counting our class on Sunday. If you are unfamiliar with my friend Jackass, check out Barred for Life: First Time Takers Can Be Assholes. I have a feeling he keeps seeking me out to boost his self esteem; he can tell me about all the writing, MBE's, and performance tests he is doing all day every day, while managing to avoid the paralyzing fear and self-doubt that plagues the rest of us. How has he escaped this? Is his ego that big? And if so, who exactly is helping him create that monster of an ego?

I have a lot of friends that I went to law school with that have taken and passed the California bar exam. Not one of them has any idea how they did it. They are all very humble and grateful and more than happy to tell you what worked for them. Some of them were confident and disciplined and methodical in their approach to the bar and it paid off for them. Some weren't at all focused and some didn't take any type of bar review class and they passed as well.

I also have friends that were at the top of their class in law school, had good, high-paying jobs waiting for them and they failed the bar. Some more than once. So, why does Jackass think he will be any different than the rest of us? Don't worry, I am not going to go pissing in the karma pool. I hope he passes...yada, yada, yada. And when he does, he can suck it.

Then I start thinking that maybe I am not cut out to be a lawyer; I don't have what it takes to pass the bar. Maybe Jackass does really have it all down and he is going to go in there and kick some ass. And maybe his life is one big, naked, slumber party at the Big Firm that is going to pay him an Ungodly Amount of Money. But can one person have it all? And right then, as he is telling me about how he is way ahead of me in our bar review class, and if I just do what he does, then I will be fine, I look down, and I see them. And I feel better than I have in a really, really long time.

Jackass has seriously small feet.

Study Break!!

2007-01-16T17:36:00.001-08:00

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Angelina Jolie

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Scarred for Life.

2007-01-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

I should have named this blog "Scarred for Life." God, this sucks out loud. Why do public libraries not allow food or drink? I am not studying at school because I don't want to see anyone I know, God forbid I run into Jackass or some other shithead that is convinced they will pass the first time. So, I am studying at the local public library.

How the hell am I supposed to spend all day there, 8 or 9 hours, without having so much as a bottle of water with me? I could end up in a diabetic coma for God's sake. I bring a lunch, but there is no place to eat it other than the tables outside and it is freezing, so I end up eating lunch in my car with the heater on. Nothing says LOSER like trying to sneak a Diet Coke in the library at this stage of my life.

Public libraries suck and here's why: kids. They are there all the time. Even in the areas that say "Study Area - Please Be Quiet." They just don't care. They are all screaming banshees. Unequivocally. Although, I will say that it's much better studying there now, in the winter, than when I was studying there in the summer. Here is a fun little anecdote from July...

As I have said before, studying for the July bar exam ruined my life. I was a crazed, wild-eyed lunatic looking for a quiet place to study. An overdose of Rocky Road and Diet Coke was only days away. It was 106 degrees outside. Literally. At this particular library, there were about 6,000 activities and play groups for children of all ages, at any given time throughout the day. I was almost accustomed to the dull roar of all the crumb-snatchers, when one day there was a stray child wandering around near the periodical section where I was seated quietly in my study carroll. My study carroll, coincidentally, was as far away from the children's section as I could get. If I was any further I would be in the bathroom.

So, then this stray child starts singing that song about the monkeys jumping on the bed and then falling off the bed. You know, one falls down and bumps his head. She is singing out loud. Very loud. She is so loud, in fact, that I am certain she is completely unfamiliar with the term "inside voice." She is singing this loud in the periodical section. Right near me, on a day I had chosen to take on the study of mortgages and equitable servitude's and the like. I had forgotten there were so many damn monkeys jumping on that bed. Where is her mother??? There are still 4 monkeys jumping on the bed, I am sitting there without a Diet Coke, and I can feel my blood pressure rising. I am looking around for her mother, pissed off, and I am the type of person not afraid to shoot a nasty look at a mother of a child that is acting inappropriate in public.

I cannot see anyone who looks like they would claim this banshee. Now, I am not stupid, I do not want to approach this child for several reasons. One, I don't want to be banned from his library. It is only July 10th, and I need to be here for about 3 more weeks. Two, I may snap and throw her through the stained glass window. So, in a caffeine-deprived, manic rage, I fly toward the clerk at the front desk, flashcards and all, and ask her if she can hear the child singing about the monkeys. I kid you not, she looks at me and asks, "What monkeys?" Mother of God, woman, I am about to have an aneurysm. And the banshee is still singing. Only 2 fucking monkeys left now. I tell the clerk at the desk, in a low, controlled voice befitting a serial killer, that she needs to tell the child to stop singing or that she has to go outside because there are people studying. She looks at me and says, "What child?" So, as my face turned red, I screeched, "LOOK!!! THERE IS A CHILD SINGING THE MONKEY SONG BACK THERE!! MAKE HER STOP!! THE SONG ENDS BADLY; ALL THE MONKEYS END UP ON THE DAMN FLOOR WITH CONCUSSIONS AND THEY SUE THE PROPERTY OWNER FOR DAMAGES! I NEED IT TO BE QUIET!!"

Just then, a woman floats by in what appears to be a Valium-induced haze, since she is completely unfazed at the shocking lack of restraint this child is exhibiting, and in her Stepford uniform of Juicy Couture sweats and Louis Vuitton bag, she calmly collects the banshee and heads out the front door. And I am standing there at the front desk looking like a child-hating demon from hell. One of the low points of July 2006 bar review.

NOTE: I love Juicy Couture sweats and my perfect husband bought me a really cute pink pair, but thanks to the July bar exam, my fat ass doesn't fit into them. Hence, the slightly bitter tone.

Barf It Like Beckham

2007-01-12T13:34:00.000-08:00

Just a random thought on my way out the door to waste more time when I should be studying:

Maybe David Beckham could spend a little bit of the $250 million dollars he got from MLS on a cheeseburger for his wife. Food for thought...

Are you a Pregnant Man?

2007-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

Today I was on a well-known weight loss website (still have to lose the damn bar weight from July) and I was entering all my depressing statistics (height, weight, etc.) when I get to a section of health-related questions. Questions like, "Have you ever been diagnosed with bulimia nervosa," and other questions about smoking and drinking. No, no and YES, lots.

Then I come across a question set apart from the others in all caps and bold:

"THIS QUESTION IS FOR WOMEN ONLY: Are you
pregnant?"

This question was no doubt drafted by their crack legal team, to prevent future liability for giving erroneous weight loss advice to pregnant and/or lactating men. Just goes to prove my prior point on my very first post...the ability to pass the bar in no way correlates to the ability to practice law...