I am the Best Paralegal EVER!!!

That's my story and I am stickin' to it!

I did not pass the bar exam, my friends.

I am off to drown my sorrows......

100 Minutes.

You have got to be kidding me.

Seriously, I am going home now....everyone else has been gone for a while.....

Survival of the Fittest...

In an effort to divert my attention from the California Bar website, my husband sent me this:

http://www.rgj.com/emailexpress/efrd.php?id=268732

An Arizona death row inmate's last words on this earth were, "Go Raiders."

Speaks volumes, doesn't it??

8 Hours....

8 hours to go, says the website.

I actually thought that I would be productive at work today, but as it turns out...not so much.

I brought nail polish to work today.

I Hate This Day.

This is what the California State Bar website looks like right now:

February 2007 California Bar Examination Pass List


The State Bar of California makes the pass list available on this page in two phases:



1. Applicant-Only Search
Results from the February 2007 California Bar Examination will be mailed to applicants on Friday, May 25, 2007. Applicants will be able to access the pass list that evening, beginning at 6:00 PM (PDT) using their applicant number and file number.

Results will be available in 10 hours

2. Public Search
The pass list will be available to the public beginning Sunday, May 27, 2007 at 6:00 AM (PDT).

For some reason, I will likely be checking it periodically today. I have a nagging fear that some tool over at the Bar is rubbing his hands together, laughing, considering whether to release the list early and see if anyone notices......

When it gets to less than an hour till results, it will tick off the minutes.....seriously.....THIS is why lawyers are asshats.

The Pussycat Dolls - Las Vegas Style!

Ok, so I went on a quick girls trip to Las Vegas, or as I like to call it, The Mothership, this weekend with a friend of mine who was on a business trip.

We went to see The Pussycat Dolls at The Pussycat Lounge, which is in the Pure nightclub at Caesar's Palace. As soon as I walked in, it was as if the heaven's opened up and the angels sang. I was home.

Those Dolls are six kinds of HOT! They are not the same Dolls that recorded the CD or that go on tour, they are the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls and let me just tell you what the difference is: tits and ass. The Las Vegas Dolls are not as skinny as the other Dolls, they have hips and boobs and the show is truly a burlesque show. They sing some of the same Pussycat Doll songs, but they have some old school burlesque numbers as well, complete with pig tails, ruffled bloomers and garter belts. I could totally rock that look, being the total Glamazon I am.

But the highlight of my night, (besides paying $12 for a vodka/cranberry...good times!) was that they announced that Chelsea and Melissa R, my favorites from The Next Pussycat Doll, WILL BE JOINING THE LAS VEGAS SHOW!!! But here is the kicker.....they can't join UNTIL THEY TURN 21!!! They will both be turning 21 within the next couple months. I am WAY too old to be so excited about this.

I am going back to Vegas in November with my husband and don't think I'm not draggin' him there. Maybe I will wear some ruffled bloomers myself and see if I can be "discovered" and join Robin Antin's evil empire...

My faith in the universe has been restored.

I Am Glad He's Dead.

I should never run for office and here's why: I am a bad liar. And I think the world could use a little more honesty.

Jerry Falwell passed way the other day and the media everywhere has been "celebrating the life" and "remembering" and "looking back" on his life and his alleged "contribution" to society. Consider the following excerpt from http:www.thenation.com/doc/20070528/blumenthal:

"As with his positions on abortion and homosexuality, the basso profondo preacher's own words on race stand as vivid documents of his legacy. Falwell launched on the warpath against civil rights four years after the Supreme Court's Brown v. Board of Education decision to desegregate public schools with a sermon titled "Segregation or Integration: Which?"

If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God's word and had desired to do the Lord's will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision would never have been made," Falwell boomed from above his congregation in Lynchburg. "The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line."

Falwell's jeremiad continued: "The true Negro does not want integration.... He realizes his potential is far better among his own race." Falwell went on to announce that integration "will destroy our race eventually. In one northern city," he warned, "a pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife.""

Everyone wants to be politically correct and discuss his "contributions" and "celebrate" his life? Are you kidding me with this?

Here is the press release I would issue from Barred for Life:

Jerry Falwell was a dick and he will not be missed. That's one more ignorant, hateful miscreant off the face of this earth. Hopefully, his death will be akin to cutting the head off the snake; his legion of hate peddlers will slowly dissipate and die.

McStupid!

Do not even get me started on Grey's Anatomy. Seriously!?!?! That was the worst season finale I have ever seen on any show I have ever watched. NOTHING went well for ANYONE!!! Unequivocally, all of their lives now suck. Although, arguably, a lot of their lives sucked before the suicidal debacle that was last night's episode.

It was SO unbelievable. After Burke waxes poetic during surgery (Note to self: if ever on a gurney headed into life threatening heart surgery while pregnant with twins, ask surgeon if there is anything he would like to get off of his chest before slicing me open, in an effort to ensure said surgeon is focused on my heart that is about to explode and not his vows to some sadistic closet lesbian with anger issues. Oh please, she is so in love with Meredith. She is her person. Whatever.) he then leaves her at the altar in front of his overbearing nightmare of a mother? Right. Burke has serious mommy issues anyways, so she is probably better off.

And then they reveal that the hot chick McWhiny, I mean, McDreamy hit on at the bar last week is a new intern, and lo and behold her last name is GREY. So, Dark and Twisty has a hot little sister that she doesn't know about? Daddy issues revisited.

George failed the intern exam? I thought he was supposed to be the smartest one, but of late, he is acting like a total idiot being led around by his manhood. He needs to suck it up, strap on a set and stop giving McBitchy, I mean Izzy the love eyes.

And right when Callie gets the Chief Resident position, she has a sudden estrogen attack, her eyes mist over and she wants to have a baby???? Please, I have been waiting for her to throw down and kick Izzy's ass. I would have handed that bitch her scrubs on a platter and sent her packing. Who do you think George will pick? Izzy the Underwear Model OR Callie The Wife I Thought I Wanted Who is Now Laden With My Womb Fruit. Hmmmm...that's a toughie....

Alex missed his chance with Ava, and Derek cut his hair. WTF???

And Meredith, my friend, I will never have sympathy for you again....you had McDreamy and turned him into McNightmare.

I Heart Apolo!

Aren't these two the cutest frickin' kids you've ever seen? I want to put them in my purse, take them home with me, so they can dance on my coffee table for me. She is like a mini Barbie and he is like a mini Ken, except with better hair, a better name, and he's not gay!! LOVE him! I so want him to win!

If you have no idea what I am talking about at this point, I have several questions for you. First, where the HELL have you been? Dancing With The Stars is only the best show ever. I have never taken a dance lesson in my life, yet this show makes me want to forget practicing law so I can become a professional ballroom dancer. Second, really, where the HELL have you been?? This show is on two nights a week, HOW could you miss it?? Did you not drool over Mario last season? BTW, Mario just moved in with his partner, the bitchy Ms. Karina Smirnoff. She is a total bee-yatch, but how cool is it to be named after booze? They are smokin' hot together, I would love to be a fly on that bedroom wall.....

Apolo will win this season, I just know it. He is talented and a true competitor and people love them because the two of them look like toys you want to play with. I think he is just a little hot tamale...I just wanna spread him on a cracker...

Too bad Ian Ziering went home last night. Maybe now he will have time to pull that stick out of his ass and relax. Seriously, dude, you are a has-been from 90210 in a ballroom dancing competition...you are not curing cancer. Granted, you are hot and your moves rock, but pop a Xanax or something, you're making me nervous just watching you.

Anyway, this is just one more futile attempt on my part to try and reduce the stress about next week. I am seriously STRESSED. S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D the fuck out. Bad TV helps me mellow out. Too bad they already picked the next Pussycat Doll.....that show seriously reduced my stress. (And I know I have one peep that reads this blog that claims she never watched Who Wants To Be The Next Pussycat Doll....yeah, RIGHT!! You know who you are...) BUT!! Here is the good news!! I am going to Las Vegas this weekend with a girlfriend for some fun, AND THEY ARE HAVING TRYOUTS FOR NEXT SEASON!!! Woohoo!!! Think they need an old Pussycat with a law degree?!?!?!?!

And just how many Pussycat Dolls do they need anyways!!??

2 Weeks.

Ugh. Only two weeks till results. I feel almost paralyzed; there are things I want to blog about everyday (Paris, leave Arnie alone, he has bigger fish to fry...) but I just can't seem to get it together. I finally gave up reading the blogs of bar takers from other states, it was totally stressing me out. To read their accounts of either passing and celebrating, or not passing and going through the excruciatingly painful process of reapplying makes me start itching, I get so anxious. It's all I can do to put my makeup on and get to work in the morning.

And that's another thing; work takes up a shitload of time. Between my stress level and work, my posts have been less frequent these days. Turns out that 40-50 hours a week is a LOT of time. This is why I would never pursue a job with a big firm (yeah, like they would want me...), I just do not want to work that much. Assuming that I actually WORK for 9 hours a day, which is probably a stretch seeing as how I have to read the news online, check my email and read my favorite blogs, if I were at a firm, I would probably be able to bill 6.5 hours a day. Which, after doing the math, would put me at about 1690 billable hours a year, if I don't take any holidays or time off or vacation. Which would promptly get me fired after the first year. There is no law firm I know of that has a billable requirement that low.

So, since I am basically lazy, and want to work a normal week and have time to go out and drink copious amounts of wine with my husband, I am going to try and stay right where I am if (WHEN!) I pass the bar. The whole in-house thing ROCKS! Obviously, if I don't pass, I am staying right here, happy as a Pussycat Doll, until I decide if I want to take the February 2008 bar exam.

More power to all you peeps out there that want to "hang your shingle," as they say, and open your own law office. I have never had any desire to do that and I would be terrible at picking out copy machines, designing letterhead and hiring people. I would probably just hire all my friends and chat and shop online all day. Clearly not a sound business decision. I think I will stick with my awesome in house job...

OMG.

Results come out 3 weeks from today.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

It literally makes my blood pressure rise when I read the blogs of bar takers from different states who already received their results. Some passed, some didn't and I am starting to itch just writing about it.