I want to be The Pussycat Lawyer!!

I am sure that I should be focusing on the more weighty issues of the day in case I actually end up becoming a lawyer next month, but really, the fluff is so much more interesting. I should be pontificating on the recent decision on the ban on partial birth abortions, or the tragedy at Virginia Tech, or the fact that McCain has joined every other politician in the world and decided to run for President. Yeah...not so much. I am all about intelligent banter and all, but seriously, I hate arguing about abortion with the fire of a thousand suns. Which made me super-popular in law school. Not.



But what is really on the forefront of my agenda today is the grave error I feel Robin Antin committed when she chose Asia to be The Next Pussycat Doll. WHAT was she thinking?? That girl is from Planet Ghetto Illiterate. I SO wanted Chelsea to win, but knew that she probably wasn't going to and Melissa R. is really just a mini Nicole, so I didn't think she was going to win either. However, Ron Fair said that she was the "complete package" and I totally agree. I thought from the beginning that Melissa S. was a shoe-in but God almighty, that girl was as dumb as a box of rocks and a total beeee-yatch! My pet name for her was Vapid.

Asia is g-h-e-t-t-o. She is 18 and has an infant daughter and maybe it was just creative editing, but she constantly had this vacant look on her face, and was always standing around pigeon-toed with her finger in her mouth. Crying about how she is chasing her dream so her daughter can say her mom was a Pussycat Doll. She ain't giving up, she is a survivor. Save it sister, it's tired. Everyone had a rough childhood and everyone is from the ghetto and had parents that did things they shouldn't have done, so get over yourself. And PLEASE, get rid of the frosty pink lipstick!!! Ya look like a hooker in your Wet n' Wild #97. (And don't even get me started on the whole "ain't" thing, that is a rant for another day...)

Of course, my husband, desperately trying to get back in my good graces, finds the fact that I watch CNN, actually know who Boris Yeltsin is, yet want to be The Next Pussycat Doll kinda hot. I myself find it to be a sexy dichotomy. Not many chicks can say they aced Legal Research and Writing and still know the names of all the Pussycat Dolls. I can intelligently discuss the Kelo decision and I can also tell you which season of The Real World was the best (Las Vegas, by far....complete and utter debauchery...) I can quote Benjamin Cardozo, yet I want Holly, Kendra and Bridget to be my BFF's.

My husband, out of the blue, says to me this morning, as we are getting ready for work, "I can't believe she picked Asia, I never saw that coming. "

My work here is done.

Even The Mighty Can Fall...

So, I have made no secret of the fact that the July 2006 bar exam made me hella much fat. Seriously, that is the only way to put it. "Junk in my trunk" and "Jiggle in my wiggle" are way to cute for what happened to me. At least I can say that I just got bigger everywhere...I spread the love, so to speak....I just became a Super-Sized version of myself. SO not hot.

Since I am sure you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for my scintillating weight loss update, here it is. I have lost 23 pounds and two sizes since the beginning of the year. This might sound great to you, and believe me, I am liking the sound of it too. But seriously, I am working my ass off (literally) and I would have expected better and quicker results. I eat vegetables, and a lot of them. Fiber is my friend, as is I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. About once a week I treat myself to a small fat-free, sugar-free fro-yo with some almond slivers. I eat organic at home and whenever I can when I eat out. No more Cosmos or Lemon Drops. White wine is less caloric and when all you eat is veggies, you get buzzed just as quick, so it's all good. I am at the gym at least 5 times a week, and a friend of mine talked me into running a half marathon with her in July, so I have been running. Usually, I make it a policy to avoid running unless someone is actually chasing me. I have had no white bread, no potatoes, and no pasta since January 1. This is what my life has been like since the beginning of the year.

I have also made no secret of the fact that I have a perfect husband. Seriously, the do all the right things all the time, totally hot, sweet, generous, kind, never look at me like I am a psycho even when I am, kind of perfect. He is also a lawyer, so he totally understood the whole bar exam psychosis and in fact, never mentioned moving out or divorce once! Score! I love him to death. He is one of those men that loves women, has a great respect for women, and is a gentleman.

He is wicked smart, and one of the things that just kills me, is when we are in bed reading, and he is reading "Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson and His Times, 1961-1973," and I am reading "Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith," this man has the inner strength not to fall off the bed laughing and, if you ask him, will maintain that we are mental equals and that I "challenge" him. Make no mistake, ladies, big boobs will take you far in life.

However, even the mighty can fall.

My perfect husband has fallen from my good graces.

In the worst way imaginable.

He has lost 10 pounds without even trying.

If I didn't love him so much, I would hate his skinny ass.

After a routine follow up appointment following a physical a couple of months ago, my husband comes home and tells me his cholesterol is down significantly, blood pressure was great, blood sugar is great, and his allergies are in check. Fantastic, I tell him, as I have also advised him that it is imperative that he outlive me since I would perish without him. Well, wait, he says, there is one more thing. Oh God, I think. It's a tumor. Jesus Christ, I wonder how long he's got. In my mind, I am halfway through the first draft of the letter I will write my boss informing her that I will need an indefinite leave of absence to care for my ailing husband, when he drops the bomb on me.

"I have lost 10 pounds, isn't that great? I don't even know how that happened."

Hold the phone, Batman. WTF?

"Did you just say you lost 10 pounds?"

"I knew you were going to be upset about his, I am really sorry, I don't know how it happened."

I am torn between wanting to laugh at the look on his face and wanting to rip his face right off. The man is sorry that he has lost 10 pounds. He knows this will throw me over the edge I am constantly walking. Consider for a moment, a common weeknight conversation between us, where he says things to me like, "Oh, I was bad today and went to Wendy's for lunch." "I had two bags of Fritos at lunch today." Compare this to things I say to him, "I had a green salad with lemon for lunch." "I did 90 minutes of cardio today."

He has no idea how this happened and I religiously monitor every bite I take and every calorie I burn???? You have got to be kidding me with this shit. But really, what can I do? I know that men have more lean muscle mass and burn fat at a higher rate than women do. Blah, blah, blah.....at least he is healthy and will more than likely outlive me.

All I know is that my birthday is next month, and in the interest of fairness...I am gonna get a kick ass birthday gift!!

SHUT UP, AL!!!

Dear Al Sharpton,

Now that Dan Imus has been fired, will you please do the world a favor and shut the fuck up? Yes, he is a racist and a misogynist, but he certainly doesn’t owe you an apology, nor does he have to speak to you. Oh, and speaking of apologies, all packed for your trip to North Carolina? I hear you are speaking out against “publicly degrading” other people:

“Sharpton praised Moonves' decision Friday and said it was time to change the culture of publicly degrading other people. “I think we've got to really use this to really stop this across the board," he told CBS's "The Early Show."

Well, Al, that is great to hear! I am sure the boys over there at Duke are waiting with baited breath for your humble apology. Bring your buddy, Jesse.

And speaking of assholes, I don’t know if you have read the U.S. Constitution lately, but I have; they really stress that in the whole bar review program. But anyway, as far as I can tell, no one in this country, regardless of their race or gender, is guaranteed an asshole-free existence. It is not against the law to be an asshole. Just ask Tom Cruise.

Since the beginning of mankind, there have been rude, socially repugnant people, of all races, genders and ethnicities, walking around being assholes. There is no reason to believe that is going to stop anytime soon. Seeing as how Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and you and your buddy Jesse keep reproducing, it’s more fun times to come!

And what have you been telling the ladies at Rutgers? Some of them have said they are “scarred for life,” it has “ruined the championship,” and some “will never get over this.” You better suck it up ladies; the world is full of people like Don Imus. Who cares what an old, ugly, ignorant has-been thinks? Ladies, ladies, you are getting an education, you are stellar collegiate athletes, don’t let this get to you. It’s not worth it.

Al, do you really think the CBS fired Imus because they are concerned about “young women of color”? Please, it’s all about the Benjamin’s.

"There has been much discussion of the effect language like this has on our young people, particularly young women of color trying to make their way in this society," CBS President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves said in announcing the decision. "That consideration has weighed most heavily on our minds as we made our decision."

Yeah, that and the fact that they are going to be bankrupt if all the advertisers pull out with their $$$. What he really meant to say was, “Shit, ever since Howard Stern left, our company has been in the toilet financially, Imus was all we had left, and now he has run his mouth off and caused all of our advertisers to flee like we have VD. We better give Imus the axe so Proctor and Gamble, Sprint, Staples, etc. get back on board with the cash. I don’t want to end up a Barista at Starbucks.”

CBS and Moonves don’t give a shit about the ladies at Rutgers, “young women of color,” their employees, or anyone else for that matter. Money makes the world go ‘round…

So Al, since Imus is pounding the pavement today, you can get the hell off your soapbox.

I read yesterday that Halle Berry is starring in a new comedy titled, “Nappily Ever After.”

Seriously?!?!?!?!!?

The New Challenge!!

OMG and WTF?!?! How did I miss this? Did my beloved Tivo fail me?

Real World/Road Rules Challenge the Inferno 3 started last night!!

Thank god for reruns.....hard to believe I went to law school, huh?

I Love Me Some Bad Grammar!

You peeps are going to be so jealous when I tell you what was waiting on my porch last night when I got home. Oh yes, the very first published account of the life and times of Anna Nicole Smith. Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/Train-Wreck-Death-Nicole-Smith/dp/1597775401/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-9478619-1353745?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176301654&sr=8-1.

What I find hilarious, and I should actually find this completely embarrasing, is that I bought this book because Amazon sent me a recommendation email. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard...the whole "based on past purchases, Amazon thinks you would like..." And then they show a whole bunch of pictures of the books you have purchased in the the past? I love it! Their records show that I am a literary schizophrenic:

So, we have your garden variety chick-lit, (which frankly, I think I could do just as well, if not better than some...) law school text books, bar review guides and trash. Nice!!

So, the book I got last night was written, and REALLY, I am using the term loosely, by Anna Nicole's half sister, Donna Hogan. I sat down just to look at the pictures in the middle, and OMG, I was riveted!! The woman cannot string together a lucid sentence to save her life. Bad grammar, improper syntax, inconsistent tenses, all the good stuff! I do this with every book I read. First, I read the fist couple pages, then I go to the end and read the last chapter. Then I spend the rest of my time reading the book in search of typos and mistakes. I have yet to be disappointed. This book was the worst, in terms of typos and misspellings: Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion by Izabella St. James (Hardcover - Aug 21, 2006)





Clearly, it should come as no suprise that my peeps over at Amazon thought Train Wreck would be something I would want to read.


I was on Bart one time, with the Playboy Bunny book and a PMBR book.....people looked afraid, very afraid.


I will be posting my favorite quotes from this work of art...I can't wait!! I should be done with it at lunch...funny what a quick read it is!!

Please, did I call it or what???

Larry is the Baby's Daddy!!

http://www.tmz.com/

Ok, on a lighter note, because I realize that last post was a total buzz-kill, did Don Imus really say "nappy-headed ho" on a nationally syndicated radio show? Check out the story here: http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=f75958fe-1b6e-4e71-b58c-99ff58f1d716

What a complete fuckwit. What, does he play poker with Mel Gibson and Michael Richards? And what's with meeting with the "leaders" after you make ignorant remarks that end up in the press? Don Imus, just like Michael Richards, met with Al Sharpton on a damage control mission, to discuss what he said and to apologize. Mel Gibson met with Jewish leaders to atone for his anti-Semitic remarks. Who did Isaiah Washington meet with? Jack from Will and Grace? Does that really make it all better? No, it is just another opportunity to show the world just how big an ass you really are.

I am hereby appointing myself "leader" of the blonde community. Anyone who makes rude or insensitive comments about blondes will need to meet with me to mend fences and assure that the blonde community is not offended. All offenders will have to ply me with lemon drop martini's and Coach bags to ensure that the blonde community does not go on strike and cease dancing on bars and showing too much cleavage. If Gloria Allred becomes Gloria Allblonde, then maybe she could be our advocate! She has already spoken out in support of Amber Frey and Anna Nicole Smith. All offenders will be required to watch Legally Blonde as their penance. Hmmmm, paralegal or Blonde Community Leader?!?!?! Tough choice.

Speaking of blondes, DNA results come out tomorrow on Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielyn...anyone wanna bet me? My money is on Birkhead...

Take the July '07 Ca Bar Exam? Oh, HELL No!

I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering what I am going to do if I fail the bar again. And what I am going to do if I pass the bar. I have thought, maybe if I fail, I will become a rock star and then when Rolling Stone magazine interviews me, I can tell them that I have a law degree but abandoned a law career to pursue my one true love: music. I have thought, maybe if I pass, I am going to be discovered as the great legal mind that I really am and argue some heart-wrenching case that will end up being the next Palsgraf. But really, if I pass, I am going to sit my ass in my chair and do some more paralegal work till I can strong-arm my company into hiring me as a lawyer. And if I fail, I am going to cry and drink. A lot. But I can tell you for sure what I am NOT going to do if I fail to bar again. I am not taking the July 2007 California Bar Exam.

The brain waves over there at the State Bar are going to be adding 3 subjects to the bar exam this July. California Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Business Associations are the new subjects. Not only do you need to know these new subjects, you need to know with specificity the difference between California Evidence and Federal Evidence, California Civil Procedure and Federal Civil Procedure and for Business Associations, you need to add Agency and Partnerships to Corporations. What-the-fuck-ever. The bar announced these fun and exciting new additions in October of 2002. Yep, almost a full FIVE YEARS before they will debut on the exam.

That is a colossal five year mind fuck, right there. Legal scholars and the mental giants that teach any and all bar review classes have been ramping up to this climactic crescendo for FIVE YEARS.

I paid thousands of dollars more than once to hear bar review professors pontificate on what subjects they think will be tested on the next bar. All of them, and I mean all of them, even the ones I didn't take, predicted incorrectly. I can't tell you how many blogs and articles I have read on-line discussing this very subject. Will the new subjects be on the exam in July or will they wait? Maybe only SOME of the new subjects will be on the July bar? They just tested Corporations twice in a row...does that make it more or less likely for them to test it in July? I can tell you that ever single person I spoke to prior to the February exam was convinced that Civil Procedure was going to be on the exam. Jackass himself told me that "without a doubt" it was going to show up on the test, and that he would "totally bet me." We call him Jackass for a reason; it was not on the exam.

This whole subject of what is going to be on the next bar makes me shake and makes me want to drink till I pass out. In my experience, July bars are more tense, emotionally charged and stressful than February bars. Maybe the sheer numbers present in July account for that, but you can count me out. There is no fucking way I am going near that bar exam. The farther away I get from the February bar, the more I realize what a stressed out, psychotic bitch I was. It is a miracle I am still married.

And it's not too late for beauty school.

Ok, Listen Up, Peeps!!

I like to think that I am slowly becoming my old self. Other than the little vomit-in-my-mouth episode from last week, the bar exam is slowly becoming a thing of the past. I am going to the gym. Going out with my husband. Reintroduced myself to my friends. Got the new job. Sleeping more, drinking less (not really, but drinking less due to suicidal/bar related thoughts). So, it would stand to reason that my patience would return as well.

Turns out, not so much. During bar review last July, I swear I thought I was going to actually break the horn in my car, I used it so much. I began to actually flip people off, which is something I never used to do as I was afraid of getting shot in the head by some road rager. Of course, driving around Berkeley with all the other psychotic Barbri students looking for parking is actually a short cut to the booby-hatch. Nothing will make you crazier.

It wasn't much better in February. There was the Grandma-with-the-new-cellphone incident at the library. And the Ipod incident, which frankly, was too disturbing to blog about. Suffice it to say I now have a new one. I was still honking at people and cussing like a sailor, which my mother abhors, but my husband finds "endearing." I think this is his word for "totally fucking annoying" but he wisely chooses not to say that because he likes having sex and wants to continue to do so. But I digress.

My patience has not returned and it doesn't look like it will be making an appearance any time soon. I know this, because when people ask me questions about the bar exam, I want to stick a fork in their eyeball.

So, the foregoing is my "press release" so to speak, that will hopefully answer any and all of the questions people have about the bar exam:

1. Yes, I am glad it is over.

2. Yes, it was very hard.

3. Yes, I know JFK, Jr. failed too.

4. No, results have not been released yet.

5. Yes, it takes a long time to get the results. Because the graders are lawyers, that's why.

6. Oh, I think I did great. I nailed it! (Seriously, what are you supposed to say to this question? "I think I fucking failed again, ruined my life, embarrassed my husband and needlessly threw thousands of dollars down the drain, all for a career that will ultimately give me ulcers and high blood pressure?" Who wants to hear that??)

7. No, I am not nervous about the results at all; my life and financial future are hanging in the balance, but no biggie.

8. No, the questions were different than the questions in July. Yes, I know that is unfair.

9. Yes, I had to retake THE WHOLE THING. They don't let you only retake the part you failed.

AND HERE IS THE BIGGIE...PAY ATTENTION, PEEPS...

10. THE RESULTS COME OUT MAY 25, 2007 AT 6:00 P.M.

Most of the people who ask me these questions are lawyers, who should know better, but are seemingly suffering from some form of post traumatic stress syndrome and have blocked out their own bar exam experiences. I can only hope this will happen to me...